Week 9: + The Head and The Heart

Here's a compilation of Week 9:

The Head and The Heart

Across from me in the cozy, leather banquette, sat my life coach
She, willing to support my journey
I, willing to discover the answer of my heart
And trying to calm the answers from my head

The question was,

What do you need right now?

Clear and true, it rang within my space

Support

What is stopping you from receiving this?

A pause, because I was calling it out 

The piece of me that wants to be right

Where old messages, long since learned, no longer fitting to the life I want to live, repeat

And in this "pause" I discovered more deeply

It wants structure and safety

And while it's gotten me through so much

It doesn't want to be discarded.

And I sat

In silence

Struggling to even call the "pause" by it's proper name

Not able to actually say the 3 letters

Because it would seem, if I did

The life I was living would shift

Her sparkling kind eyes saw me
As I squirmed to mutter the word
With deep belly breaths I said it
Because I knew
If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have spoken the truth
Yet when I did
I felt like my biggest secret was out

~

And so I have a conversation

Between my heart and my head.

2 weeks later and awareness comes in
The light into the darkness, a place no one but I can be
I've been changed

Yet in doing so,
Something new (Or actually quite old, something long since laid down to rest underneath the rubble of extra baggage)
Came forward
A way of coping with the change to structure
And the "pause" trying to do it's best to still be right

No, my friend, Chocolate doesn't really make us "feel better"

I whisper to my head

Nor does eating extra food

Yet, here I've been in a 2 week awareness

And find myself coming home with a cartfull of things that just hurt.

"It's all I know how to take care of you."

And I say,

"Yes, I'm aware of that.

Though my heart knows new ways how to do this.

Tools I've learned that help me build a new foundation of support."

"Then what will I do?"
Ego asks.

And in the most loving, compassionate way

My heart says to my head,

"I still need you! 

You are important for me to plan and process. 

To be with me on this journey. 

To be remembered, honored and respected."

With Love, Jan

Week 8: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Celebrating my 50th day and continuing to explore how I support myself, in ways other than with sweets. 

With Love, Jan

The Exercise

The Slow Down Diet 

I'm trying something different this week and blogging about what comes forward with the primary task (or exercise if you will) in one of the books I'm reading with my holistic nutrition counselor. Yesterday I shared that chocolate crept in as a self-soother and today when I found myself coming home with more sweets (even alternative sweets require a delicate balance for me) than I've had in the last few months, I realized doing this exercise is essential. So I'm making the choice to share, explore and be with the information that comes forward, all while being compassionate and supportive.

Primary Task - Week 6: The Metabolic Power of Thought

Let me start off by saying, this chapter (and book) have opened doorways for me to support my goal of creating an authentic relationship with food. Writing into this is another tool to help me identify thoughts that drain energy and replace them with thoughts that gain energy. This is meant to be a new beginning in how I use my mind to support my highest intentions.

Exercise: Think Nutritionally

I've written down my most common thoughts I repeat to myself about eating, nutrition, and my body. These thoughts come together to shape my relationships with food and ultimately help or hinder my metabolism. I completed this exercise in 3 parts. 1st: I wrote everything out. 2nd: I reread them and placed an "*" next to the thoughts that empower my metabolism and an "x" next to the thoughts that diminish it. 3rd: I used strickthrough to replace the energy-draining thoughts with metabolically inspiring ones.

What do you tell yourself when you're eating?
* If I'm eating something that works for my body, I'm rejoicing.
x If I choose something with more sugar or whole grains, I think how it will hurt my body later and then assume it will. When I listen to my body, the foods I choose are nourishing and healing.
x Sometimes I think about why I'm the only one eating this specific way. There are many people who eat to feed their bodies nutritious food and I am one of the many people who supports my body's needs.
x When I have more emotional days, I think about going to the drive-thru at one of my old favorite places and just ordering the food to eat it and feel full, regardless of how I'd feel afterward. This is an old belief I am changing. Now, I support and nourish myself at all times and when I'm feeling more emotional, I choose self-compassion and exploration.
* When I shop and I read labels on certain foods, once I know it is in there, I avoid it.
x Sometimes, I wish I didn't care what the ingredients were, that I could just buy whatever I wanted to because it looks/sounds good. I read the ingredients from a place of love and choose wisely.
x If I don't eat enough food now, I'll be hungry later and I won't be able to find something to satisfy me then (so I over eat). My body knows how much food I need each time I eat. I choose to support how much and how often I need to eat to feel my healthiest and by having nutritious snacks available, I support what my body needs.
x I wish it were easier to just "go out to dinner" and come away feeling ok. I research restaurants that support what my body needs and by doing this and asking for what I need, going out to dinner is an enjoyable treat.
x Sometimes I'm comfortable with the food on my plate and sometimes I'm not. I am increasing my capacity with comfort and relaxation with my food. If I feel discomfort, I support what my body is telling me and make another choice.
* I choose to feel nourished and satisfied with this food.

What do you expect food to do for you?
* Nourish.
* Create energy, providing power to be my authentic self.
x I ask food to comfort me, to be there when no one else is and to bring me out of feeling so lonely, providing me with a feeling of fullness, so that I at least feel like I can have that. I choose to be curiously compassionate when it comes to supporting myself.
x I also expect if I eat certain things (gluten, dairy, too many grains, too much sugar) that I will become sick (migraine, digestion issues, emotional swings) and if ignored for too long, that I will gain weight. I support the signals my body sends me by making choices with my food.

What nutritional rules do you feel strongly about?
* Eat protein, healthy fats and greens.
* Add variety by trying new foods.
* Read labels and make a choice, either put it in the cart or back on the shelf, trusting that once it's in the cart it will work for me.
* Eating at the dining room table and putting my fork down between bites helps create a more enjoyable eating experience.
* Be open to finding new recipes.

What are your rules about health, weight, and longevity?
* To feel better.
* Make choices that support my authentic self.
x Avoid gluten and dairy 99% of the time. I appreciate knowing that my body prefers gluten and dairy free food.
x Avoid whole grains 75% of the time and only have in small portions, earlier in the day. I support my body by noticing how many whole grains my body can consume.
x Avoid refined sugar 95% of the time, though alternative sweeteners (agave, maple syrup, coconut sugar) enjoy 50%. I receive sweetness from life in many ways.
x Even weighing less than I was 19 months ago, I could weigh even less now, if I would just take better care of my body. I take excellent care of my body and continue to transform the relationship I have with my body image.
x What I weigh and how I look impacts how I am perceived in the world. I am confident and comfortable with my body.
x Weight protects me when I think nothing else will. I am supported, loved and trust myself.
* I  live a life filled with joy, ease and growth.

What are your fears about health, weight and longevity?
x That if I stop paying attention to what and how I eat, I will gain weight and feel miserable. I choose to enjoy the foods I eat, by enjoying them, I maintain a weight I am happy and confident with.
x It might be easier or quicker if I just ate whatever I wanted to. The foods I choose allow me to be nourished, I find the time, energy and resources to support this.

Is food your enemy or your ally, or is it a combination of the two?
* The foods that I love now are my ally, they help me to feel better, more active, engaged and aware.
x Though it's the memories and associations with foods from my past that have me thinking I have an enemy. It's my thoughts about these other foods that have me feeling nostalgic and then it opens me to shame and the idea that I "can't have" those other foods. I honor the memories and relationships I had with food by noticing, allowing and releasing.

And About Those Sweets

This exercise took me a few hours, with pauses in between. I was diving in and when doing so, it's healthy to remember you already know how to swim. So I honored the process and after my husband and I talked about the sweets I bought at Valley Natural Foods: Suzannes Ricemellow Creme, agave gummy bears and chocolate cover pomegranates (all gluten and dairy free), I realized I'd been "thinking" I was "wrong" or "bad" so I made a choice. While I may not have purchased the items from a fully intentional space, I'll make a choice on how and when I enjoy these sweets. This will be after I've acknowledged my feelings, taking a moment before each bite and by doing so I will truly enjoy them. No guilt, no shame, no "shouldn't do that's", because I'll listen to my body and enjoy it deeply.

With Love, Jan

Fitting In

The Project Team

If I wanted to, I could list all of the reasons I wanted to be a part of this project team. The list would include my work experience, history and the fundamental belief I share for the power of the project. I had invested energy and time into even expressing my interest and when I did, I felt ready. I began envisioning the activities I'd support, the places I'd learn and the new connections I'd make. I did all of this, though what I hadn't pictured was the large number of potential candidates and the limited number of roles. And when it came time to filling these roles, I hadn't thought I wouldn't fill one of them.

Not Now

I felt unruly when I found out. My mind had been made up and was in a state of shock to think of not being a part of something I wanted. So when I crashed in - I found myself standing in the cavern of my favorite retreat, afraid of what "not fitting in" meant for me and my journey. I reached out, because it was something, I could do and my life coach appropriately "congratulated me" on not actually getting the role. Why? (not for the reason I initially thought,) rather, she saw, what I couldn't, perhaps this is a gift. Though last night I was still too confused to read the recommended enlightened posts she sent me. My thoughts were racing and I tried with my most authentic self to settle in. I ate a nourishing meal when I got home and moved my body to a Yoga Booty Ballet routine, yet the thoughts kept repeating. And as the tension built between me noticing what was going on and trying to ignore it, the belief that "I only know how to navigate with my feelings by eating" stepped forward. And even as I grabbed for the bag of Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips and headed to the couch, I paused and asked myself if this was the best choice.

Reflecting now, I see that it was the best choice I was able to make at that time. Aware and yet wanting to zone out, I found temporary relief from trying to figure things out. I wanted something from the chocolate - a calm, trust that I could indeed navigate with my thoughts and emotions. I wanted something from the act of eating - though the quick and zoned out approach didn't actually allow me to really ENJOY what I was eating. I wanted distraction - the movie I watched helped, but even that can only pull you in, until you realize there is something inside that wants your attention.

I didn't want to figure it out, heck, I didn't even want to be in it or with it. This new feeling was bringing up discomfort and now that I have a new lens through which I see myself, my journey and my world, I knew what it meant, I'd need to make a choice on what and how I support myself with Courage, Compassion and Authenticity. And even though I knew (deep down) that I was ready for this awakening to a new layer, I resisted. Though I see, after many navigation's of the self, back to the self, that while the story and details are different, the new layer isn't meant for me to suffer or feel pain, that's a choice I make in how I respond to it. Rather, it's meant for me to be in it, with it, love it and release it so that I may continue to grow, teach and become more of the authentic person I choose to be.

Perspective

Yesterday I chose avoidance and bitterness, though even that was significantly reduced from the amount of time I would have spent in that place before. Today I choose to write. To begin folding out the layers of the lesson and to see this with my new lens of compassion.

Ok, so yes, I wanted to be a part of something I believed in, yes, I hoped it would be so and yes, I was not selected. Yes, I chose to be angry, bitter, frustrated and sad. Though what I came to see, was that underneath it all, there was this part of me that just wanted to belong. And how by not being selected, I felt like I was the last kid picked for the kickball team (insert here all of the negative things I said about myself and the reasons why). How I thought now that I have transformed my body and "look more the part" maybe now, I will be accepted. And as my friend helped me process with this, she placed the mirror before me and I saw how at the heart of this lesson was my desire to fit in.

So it really wasn't about the project, the team or not being selected that had me in a tizzy. It wasn't even about the choice I made to indulge in chocolates and numb out with tv that had me upset. It was knowing that I had somehow placed my self-worth on whether or not I fit in to this group.

The End is the Beginning

And while I'd like to share all the lessons I've learned, it's still new and I trust with time, I'll gain more respect and come to see this lesson as a gift. Though before I get there, here, right now is where I am meant to be. Spending time understanding the layers of acceptance, self-worth and the external validation I look for, when here, in my heart, is all the validation I need to know I'm living my life with Courage, Compassion and Authenticity. 

With Love, Jan

50th Day of My 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Today is my 50th day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment (wow!)

My relationship with food, weight and my health has become more authentic and this journey has been supported by posting a 10 second video on GiveIt100.com daily. I've become more willing to be present to my experience, to share where I am and how I've navigated with deeply beautiful spaces of growth.

And for those who have been supportive and encouraging, thank you! Your words and thoughts are appreciated and I truly believe have been (and will be) essential to the healing journey I am on.

So with arms wide open and a heart filled with love, I embrace what the next 50 days will bring me. The places I'll journey, the people I'll connect with and the stories I'll share!

With Love, Jan