The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

The Journey of Nourishment

Can a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really transform someone?
On February 25th I began a new journey for my healing transformation. In 100 Days I planned to nourish myself. It wasn't only all about the food (though sometimes it was) or about what or how I ate. Nourishment has layers and what I truly wanted was to feed my soul. When I decided to dedicate 100 days to do this, courage and trust became essential. GiveIt100.com (a social media platform where other like-minded individuals wanted to learn something in 100 days too) played landscape to my journey.  A place where it's foundation of support offered a way to document the healing work I was doing. Diving in, a deep sense of knowing came forward, I knew how important this tool would be to helping me grow the garden of my heart.

Where I Began

It started off; the way most journeys of the self, back to the self, begin. I was unsure of the final destination, didn't know what I would "have" to do or what I would "have" to give up. An element of trust was needed and a deep belief arose and I knew that at the conclusion of the 100 days, I'd arrive exactly where I was meant to be and that I would learn something about myself, no matter what. What I discovered along the way, is that in the creating, editing and sharing of my videos; my ability to be loving, gentle and compassionate with myself grew.

In my work world, my organizational skills are always by my side and a good check list never far behind. So I applied this concept to this project; if I was going to pour time, energy and love into this, I wanted to understand my purpose. I wrote about my intentions with this journey Manifesto for My Upcoming 100 Day Journey.

Incorporating beautiful "real" foods was one piece. In the 16 months prior to February 25, I'd been on a cleanse (yes, a 16 month cleanse). My body celebrated joyously with the elimination of gluten, dairy and refined sugars. And as I  honored my body, I discovered a life of less pain. I began transforming weight (100+ pounds on my last weigh-in in February), no more stomach issues, no more migraines and my body began menstruating without the assistance of any prescription medications. The use of supplemental shakes for 2 meal replacements helped me get there, though something shifted around the holidays (I know what it is, I'm just not able to write in there yet). Though in this shift, I noticed that familiar place I return to when I finish one leg of the journey and am just on the verge of embracing another. I arrive and an old familiar thought comes in, "ok, you can stop here. You've done so much. Healed, learned and feel so much better, honestly, isn't this far enough?" Thankfully through meditation, awareness and compassion, I knew what was happening, so I took my time and discovered that a new piece of my heart wanted to be honored and the desire to nourish resonated within my soul.

Being Ready

The idea of being "ready" often brushes up against different parts of me in uncomfortable ways. 
Were my life, soul and heart truly "ready" for this journey?
YES! (sang with a resounding heart glow)
Was my mind or the pieces that were use to staying in the darkness "ready"?
Um, no, not really! (uttered under the breath, trying not be noticed)
So it took a lot of courage (and self-compassion) to notice both and honor what is truly best for me.

Reaching out to receive support was essential and Maggie Christopher, my holistic nutrition counselor, arrived into my life when I was ready. Amazingly enough I'd kept her business card for 3 years and as I was cleaning in the dark of winter, her card was found with a light of hope. My soul knew Maggie would help me find the keys I needed for my journey of nourishment. Partnering together in a sacred space, with the support she provided and my willingness to lean in, I discovered growth, compassion and healing when doors were opened with keys of love.

When I began incorporating real foods, first for my lunches and then 2 weeks later for breakfast, I needed to make space for my fears of and with food. Patience and time sat beside me as I navigated where I could. And in the last few months, I now claim the title of a fearless food prepper (give me an organized shopping trip Thursday/Friday with batch cooking on Sunday and I'm happy & set for the week.) And while the shakes are still here, they live in the "every so often" category, rather than a staple meal.

Reaching Day 100

So when I look back, yes, a 10-second daily video, shared for 100 days really can transform someone. As I reached my final 100th day on June 5th, I needed time to write this blog post. And while I was celebrating with friends and family, it seemed inauthentic for me to "write, just to write". So I created space for the silence, to allow for the time away from this blog to be a time of reflection and honoring.

And while I may not have crossed everything off from my check list, what I "thought" was going to be important, was minor compared to what stepped forward when I honored my intuition. I trusted someone new (again, thank you, Maggie), used a new tool (thank you, GiveIt100.com) and found myself creating an authentic relationship with food, my body and myself. Being present in and with the experience, I discovered my ability to be compassionate and courageous. To see the old patterns for what they are, honor them and release them with love. Because the truth is; they no longer fit me or the life I want to live.

Those little 10-second videos may only have shown snip-its of what was happening, though in the process they are my tribute to the journey I am on and I am grateful. Transformation, mindfulness and self-compassion didn't happen to me in one 10-second video, it was in a series acts of being engaged, intentional and creating what I wanted. Sometimes this meant sharing when I didn't "think" I could and honoring the little voice inside of me that said, "Give It A Try"

With Love, Jan

How To Trust

Let me start off by saying,  I'm not sure I actually know how to trust, at least not in a step-by-step way. And I'm not sure why this topic of trust is becoming so important to me, though it's continued to play on my heart strings for the past few days and so I write to see what is hidden beneath the layers.

Trusting requires courage and compassion and takes me time. The amount of years I spent avoiding the word, even the concept, are measurable. And the number of times I've walked away from something or someone because the trust was no longer there, well, let's just say, that's a door I'll open another day. It isn't a natural path for me to travel; to honor my emotions and trust that I am on a path for my higher good. And while in the last few years, I've been learning new tools, seeing healers and started finding my connection to the sacred; my innate pattern, the program set to run on default is use to being on the run. With time and practice I've become more able, willing and ready to allow the various learnings to come forward and see that there is indeed a healthier and more loving way of navigating. Though sometimes I really get to practice; to see how my default program works, so that I can learn and it's uncomfortable and frustrating, though it's there for a reason.

The Truth of  How I Trust

It's not easy writing this, nor is it easy to face the part of me that thinks I need boundaries around what trust looks like. It's like trying to explain the depths at which love can heal or the fear of the darkness within; trust is like this for me - often just out of reach of words, though when it's there I know it and when it's not, I know it too, what I don't understand is why. How can I meet someone and know we are meant to be connected? And on the reverse, how do I honor the twinge of discomfort that has me flee a situation for my safety? And so again I say, trust is mysterious to me.

Trust comes from this place of inner wisdom, from a sense of knowing, beyond words and explanation, what makes sense for my higher purpose. Though there is this other piece, the part that wants to know why and sometimes I find myself stuck in the middle. Each time I see, follow, honor or ignore what is going on, I learn something about myself. Though I find it's often easier to say "well, that went well and I understand why that happened," on the other side. Yet while it's actually happening, trying to be intentional, engaged and present that's a whole other story. It's unknown why certain things are placed in our journeys and even I've wondered, why have I not been able to have a child? Why did I gain the years of weight, only now to begin healing with them? Why do I continue to blog, vlog and share my story? And why did past wounds (and even present ones) arrive when they did? It's unknowable to the logical piece of me, yet the one and only thing I've been able to believe is this: I TRUST it's for a reason.

Why Talk About Trust Now?

The last few days I've been feeling introspective and didn't want to write or talk about it - so, I didn't. I placed a "I'll talk about that later" label around a lot of things and somehow this meant run, hide and avoid. Though the other night when I laid in bed, tears began soaking my pillow. No longer able to dispense the energy I'd been using to run, I offered up words to guide and heal, a connection to the sacred was created and something transformed. And in the vulnerability of a tearful connection, the acknowledgment of my feelings nestled at the heart of this lesson. All I was looking for was a safe space to explore. As I nestled into the comfort of my bed, I realized this act, of leaning in, feeling, observing and connecting to the sacred was my act of trust. Turns out I just needed the reminder of how to get there.

So I continue on, accepting what comes forward, because as often as I've tried to run, seeing in the last few days how that worked and then having the release, I realized by leaning in, it felt better. My brain has an amazing capacity to remember and keep me safe and I am grateful. At the same time, I am wanting (and in need of) seeing the amazing capacity of my heart. To trust what comes forward and honor it.

With Love, Jan

Week 13: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

For the past few weeks I've been waiting for inspiration to arrive, knowing that I wanted to do another 100 Day project. And while I'll keep nourishing myself beyond the 100 Days, I want to honor the amazing transformation I've been a part of and begin a new chapter. With the final 9 days left of my journey, I find myself in a place of gratitude and amazement. How did February 25th fly by so quickly? Wasn't I just stomping through the snow in my backyard to write 2.25 for my cover photos, only now to find myself enjoy each of my meals outdoors? This journey and opportunity to share the GiveIt100.com projects has made a difference in my life and I am grateful, here's my Week 13 of videos:

With Love, Jan

For Grandma E

Grandma E

A farmer's wife, mother of six
An old farmhouse that functioned like clock work, when food was on the table for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
And she, Grandma E made time somewhere between loving, mothering, hearty meals and meticulous needlepoint; she wrote.
The cursive loops of her O's were beautiful
And there was a rhythm to all she wrote
Today, I write,
To connect with her, to connect with myself.

I often think of the house that is no longer there
Of the large kitchen table
The narrow, curved staircase leading to the upstairs bedrooms
Of the closet my cousin and I once got locked in (for what seemed like hours, though probably wasn't?!?)

The summers spent on the farm played landscape to my childhood; fields of green and gold
Air, that when inhaled, healed the heart
The crab apple tree perfect for climbing
And their taste that puckered our faces, (yet we kept eating them)
Grandma E somehow found a way to turn their tartness into the best Crab Apple jelly around (maybe because of the love she used to make it?)

Walking through the open pasture where no cows roamed
Or climbing into the corn crib all the way to the top
Or building up the courage to climb the wooden ladder to the barn, seeing the empty cattle stalls from high above
I felt like an explorer of the world

The smell of lilac bushes by the back door
A place where laundry hung to dry, soaked with the setting sun
Oh, and the davenport,
Which as child I always thought was the porch. Years later finding out a davenport is actually a couch. I just knew it was where grandpa went to have his afternoon nap.

And I remember dancing; in the large upstairs bedroom
Sun beams streaming in through the window
Catching the flecks of dust that swirled around me
With a flowing white dress, I twirled
Never feeling dizzy, Just... alive

In all of this, she was there; a constant
And even years later when grandpa stopped plowing the fields or herding the cows, supper was still at 6 pm
It was how the household worked
And I admit, I was too young to understand it all
I didn't get to ask enough questions
There wasn't wisdom there to appreciate all she did and was

And in someway
The dancing, this writing and my thoughts
I find myself connecting to her, to Grandma E
To the parts of myself that long for her warm hug one more time
For her rosy lips to graze my cheeks
To have her chuckle graze my ears
And for me to see her and her life in another way

I wonder...
Did she write about family? About art? About love?
Did her cursive handwriting pour out memories of her own childhood? Was God revealed in her words? And did she find the sacred connection when pen was put to paper?

She is part of me, part of who I am today
And though I don't know all that she wrote
I find when I write,
I connect to her,
To the sacred

That on this Sun day morning
As the light streams through my own living room windows
And the breeze rustles the curtains
I wonder, if I just stood up to dance
Might I feel what I did then... alive?

The Eve of My 20 Month Anniversary

20 Month Anniversary

Hard to believe, (though I know it is true), that my life changed 20 months ago. That I became more of the woman I am today, by making the choice I did then. And that my journey was meant to be exactly how it is; beautiful, compassionate, authentic and healing. That I was meant to journey in, to travel on and that this journey too had a mission: to safe my life! It isn't too often that I truly acknowledge how far I've come, where I've been and the beauty that has stepped forward in each chapter of this journey. I found my courage underneath the weight I carried and this connection changed my life forever.

It’s interesting on this eve of my 20 month anniversary that I find myself sitting in my backyard, listening to the birds sing and basking in the evening glow of the sunset, that I find myself in a different space than I have been with other anniversaries. Something shifted after my 1 year anniversary, I realized I was 100 pounds lighter and breathing more deeply. Yet, I became afraid of the power I held within myself, because if it meant I could do this, then what else was I in store for? 

I found myself hibernating through the winter months. Coming inward and connecting with the deeper work that my soul was ready to embrace. Yet, there were old messages that began repeating and I somehow began to doubt what I’d done, what I was doing and what I wanted to do – mostly, I doubted myself. That pattern of self-doubt continued to play itself out and I continued to recognize it and rather than trying to do something with “it” I practiced staying still. Noticing the triggers that brought me inward and the activities I could do to help heal it. 

The Honoring

Beginning my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment on Feb 25th, allowed me to be even more connected with my journey and myself (today is day 85!). With each moment I shared, I began finding my way back to myself. The videos became a way for me to communicate from my heart and with each week that passed, I found self-compassion overflowing.

Earlier this week, I felt the pull to find a way to honor this anniversary, not just to share the photos, no, much deeper than that, to share my heart.

If a part of me hadn't believed in myself then; 

I wouldn't be here today. 

If a part of me hadn't thought, “yes, you can do this;" 

I wouldn't have done it. 

And if a part of me hadn't trusted in the power of healing; 

I wouldn't find myself moving from surviving to thriving.

It took a series of choices to get where I am, ounces of courage to love the darkness that I use to avoid and loving curiosity to explore. So on this eve of my 20 month anniversary, I don’t know what I weigh or the difference of my body's measurements. (Stepping away from the scale during my 100 Day Journey has been one of the best gifts I've given myself.)

Though what I do know is that I weighed more when I was hiding from issues in my life, than I do now when I lean into them. I do know that I have an amazing capacity for energy that flows from a place so happy to be alive. And I know that as I write, I.AM.PROUD! Proud of myself. Proud of my body. Proud of the choices I made and the courage it takes to continue journeying. And Proud of living my life more authentically. 

With Love, Jan