Delicate Balance

The Whole Truth: Choosing To Heal

    The last 6 weeks have been reminders of the healing journey I am on and honestly I've been avoiding this blog post for what seems like forever (even though it has only been 4 days). I've been afraid to see myself clearly, to share The Whole Truth and to choose healing. Sometimes I think, "healing shouldn't been this hard." And then I remind myself that I'm not asking to forget or live in ignorant bliss any longer, I want to remember so that I can heal. It will take time, patience and a willingness to visit old patterns.
    There are times I find discomfort in this healing journey and often try to fill my time with distractions, rather than actually acknowledging what is really going on. It's in these times that I want to avoid blogging so that I try to forget these patterns even exist. 
    But here I am, blogging and being very patience with myself as I stumble over the words to express a deep pattern in my life. I remember the patterns that cause me and others pain and those that strip me to my soul fibers and would prefer to live in the darkness. I remind myself that these old patterns no longer align with the life I am creating and that I am choosing to heal. 

The Whole Truth: Pretty Little Lie

    Last Wellness Wednesday as I sat with Dr. Margaret, we began peeling back layers of defenses and I saw this old pattern. It crept in slowly and soon encroached over my body; I sat stunned by its magnificent depth. It revealed a Pretty Little Lie I had told myself many, many years ago. A lie that I believed was the only way I could survive.  
    Somewhere in my life the sadness was deep and anger was strong and in order to "save and protect me," I developed this part of myself that could assess situations and apply judgment. If the situation was safe, my heart could come out to dance. If the situation was unsafe or if there was the potential I may be hurt, my heart was tucked away into the darkness. 
    It was a pattern around relationships and how I deal with my emotional pain. As it thudded, I realized this pattern not only cast my heart into darkness, but the gatekeeper for managing my emotions felt similar to the Red Queen from Alice In Wonderland. The Red Queen made sharp and decisive decisions reacting to emotions with judgment. There would be peace if everything was done to her satisfaction. But watch out if something rattled her cages, she'd react and demand, "Off with their heads."
    Even though I often felt disconnected from something, I just didn't know what it was, this pattern became a way of survival and I believed was the only way I could live. Part of this pattern was an awareness of the space between my emotions and the judgmental Red Queen. Rather than asking myself what I truly needed, I'd fill the void with sugary sweets and salty starches. When I began exploring my relationship with food in July of 2012, it shook me and there have been many times during my Treat Yo Self Cleanse that I have seen connections to my emotional eating habits.  
     I sadly and humbly admit that on my way home from our session, I tried on the old pattern and grasped to fill the pocket of pain. As I sat eating a small french fry from a drive-thru (something I haven't done in over 4 months), I felt the depth of this need to fill the void.
     I can't take back the consumed fries (which didn't taste good and had my tummy grumbling), but I was able to recognize this pattern as another reminder of the importance of the healing journey I am on. Since then rather than reacting immediately to the cravings, I've been letting them float to the surface and continue to see them as Pretty Little Lies trying to stop me from healing.  

The Whole Truth: Fear To Love

      Another part of this pattern, which I reflect on with raw fear, deep sadness and much humility, is how the Red Queen ended many beautiful relationships too quickly. The gatekeeper was always keeping a watchful eye over my emotional well-being. If the relationship grew and we shared our hopes and fears, the honesty would come close to reminding me of my unexpressed pain. Rather than allowing the relationship to continue to develop based on trust; fear would take hold and the Red Queen would wield a sharp knife and it would be "off with their heads".
     While my heart knows we all make choices and unintentionally hurt others, I am saddened by the number of relationships I ended because of this pattern. I have feared that I couldn't have relationships in my life that are built on trust.  
     Not only did I lose beautiful relationships, my own emotional journey received the same judgement. If something touched me deeply, rather than letting it have its space, the Red Queen would cut me out of the process, and I'd be left with this wake of unsettled, abandoned emotions. Not only did this action stop me from fully connecting and processing my emotions, it left me alone in the darkness. I have feared having a connection with my emotion.

The Whole Truth: Delicate Balance

     With awareness I seek to find a delicate balance to approach relationships and my emotional journey. With a kind and gentle trust I begin to heal by accepting and forgiving what was and what is. While this pattern no longer works for me, I need to forgive the part of myself that is the Red Queen. The part that thought relationships couldn't be built on trust and that unprocessed emotions just disappeared.
     I want meaningful relationships based on trust and I want to create a space where I can trust my own emotional journey, share my feelings and begin to love the things in me that I fear.

Clarity

This little heart of mine wants to shine with wholeness, heal wounds, create joy and find clarity.

    My blog last week: The Christmas Card Debacle opened doorways. While I struggled to write it; stumbling over words, falling into holes and surprising myself to once again be covered in dirt, I also saw how the old patterns surfaced when I was experiencing doubt, anxiety or pain. I also saw how easily I fell into them.
    Whether I was ready to or not, I was offered the opportunity to explore ways to be honest with myself about what happened, welcome the old patterns without judgements and unite them with the life I am now living. With a gracious heart, I've found a way to begin healing and am thankful the old patterns of food, shopping, cleaning and emotional roller coasters now live in a new way in my life.
    It had been two weeks since I had a good night's sleep, however after blogging The Christmas Card Debacle, I slept peacefully, woke up with a renewed focus and was released from the frigid cold of non-movement. As I continue exploring the doorways, releasing judgements and integrating the patterns; I've found a space of beautiful clarity.

The Whole Truth: Intentional Updates to this Blog

     With this clarity, I was able to make important updates to my blog pages that have my heart shining

The Treat Yo Self Cleanse page received an update of content and format. I've also updated my Foods to Love and Foods to Love Letting Go Of. It was great getting to add eggs and a sweetner of Maple Syrup. I've enjoyed exploring what foods I can make. The choice to eat foods that are Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Refined Sugar-Free and Corn-Free has created a life worth living. I feel better, have transformed weight (emotional, mental and physical) away from this life.

    The Inspiring Happiness Project page now includes my favorite blog for each month. Reflecting on the creativity, growth and awareness I've communicated and received sets my heart a flutter. I've had several friends and family express their support for the journey I am on. Thankful that I continue to present my authentic self - with The Whole Truth. Willing to explore the hollows of my heart and acknowledging this journey is very personal. The Inspiring Happiness Project has worked, my own happiness, even as I see old patterns, uncover old wounds and seek to heal, has connected me with my creative life force and it thrives. It's more accessible and easier to find my way back to when the light dims.

  
    The Healing Resources page now better reflects the gratitude I have towards the fantastic women who use their talents to help me create the life I want. With my willingness and their support I've been able to create transformed healing. I am truly grateful for their beautiful souls.
    The Books page has been updated and now includes my new favorite book: Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph. D., (1992) Women Who Run With The Wolves. New York: Ballantine Books. The stories and Dr. Clarissa's insights have awoken a deep understanding and I'm grateful. 

The Whole Truth: Love for my Journey with Infertility

    And my favorite update... I spent time with my Journey of Infertility post. Just as I poured my heart into the post in May, this weekend I added a new layer of love and support as I revisited the fragility of this dream. It was a reclamation of my experience and allowed me to mourn another layer to this journey, allowing me to again transform my feelings.
    The desire, intensity and longing to create children ebbs and flows. There are many times when I will go weeks without it being a passing thought, finding joy in the life I am creating. And then there are moments where my heart yearns for this body of mine to create a child. Or at least to find a path that would bring a child in our lives through adoption. 
    When I made the wish to become a mommy, I asked for our heart and home to become ready to welcome a child and prepare us to be loving and wonderful parents. As with any good intention, I continue to believe that the last 4 years, creating the Inspiring Happiness Project and finding a deep connection to myself is a start to the transformation of life. Whether or not we have children, the insights I've found, moments I've shared and life we have created has been a true gift. Believing that everything happens for a reason and maybe angels guide us to the right doorways, rather than to the exact ones we expect to be opened. 

It's up to us to accept the journey with 

faith, hope and love!

Christmas Card Debacle

     I’ve wanted to blog about this for a while now, but I haven't been ready or willing to process everything and didn't know where to begin. Clenching in my chest, taking my breath, even now I gasp for words. With 2013 being the year of The Whole Truth, here is where I start to write to transform.

Christmas Card Debacle

     I begin with the holiday season of 2011, 6 months before this I created boundaries with my family and I'd become accustom to balancing the choices and emotional challenges it created. I realize now how these boundaries were created out of fear and the emotional challenges I was experiencing were of my own creation. As part of this boundary, I made the choice to not see my family, rather I sent up gifts. The first year wasn't easy and while the second holiday season wasn't either, I was starting to realize how my overall health was improving, because I was making different choices. I needed to learn how to listen, trust and act with my intuition and even if the choices initially stemmed from fear, I needed to learn how to heal with that.

     Through this entire process of boundary setting, I've remained respectful of the relationships with mutual family or friends. I didn't want to blur the line or make someone choose, so I stepped aside, trusting my instincts. As I made my Christmas card list, I planned to send cards to many mutual family and friends. Paying attention to my instincts, I felt comfortable sending a card to a mutual family friend because I had received a birthday card from them in October. 

     The Saturday before Christmas we received many Christmas cards and included was an envelope without a return address. Opening the envelope I found the very Christmas card we had sent up to this family friend, unopened, with a handwritten note saying I had sent it by mistake, because they were friends with my mother.

     The words thudded in my stomach and my mind started racing. I sat stewing in my emotional baggage, as anger and sadness washed over me, the discomfort became quite unbearable and the old ghost of my hurt girl surfaced. But, before I allowed myself to feel it all, I made a choice; I pushed away the pain (an old pattern) and went external. 
     I began inspecting the card, as if it would give me the answer I was looking for. The card was returned to send a deliberate message. Why couldn't they just have thrown away the card? There was no return address, no signature and the handwriting looked nothing like the birthday card from October. It actually looked like my mothers handwriting.

My Old Patterns

      Another twinge of unresolved feelings surfaced as I thought it was an action of my mother. I found it curiously easy to make the pain I felt be linked to her, almost as if it was her fault I was feeling this way.  And in that split second, I began doubting everything (and I mean everything) I was doing for my health and I felt guilty for having set any boundaries. 
      As tears salted my cheeks, I called a dear friend and noticed more old patterns resurfacing. I wanted to eat, to shop and to get it away from me as fast as possible. I wanted to clean and lose myself in making every spot on the stove top disappear. Distraction was what I wanted and by acknowledging these patterns, I was able to start honoring them and make choices to feel into the pain, rather than fill the pockets of pain and for that I was thankful.

      Time always finds a way to heal the size of the wound. Somehow, the card had me feeling unwanted, unloved and judged. By acknowledging these feelings, I was able to discover I had choices. I could let this go - releasing the pain and disregarding this action. I could continue to release the pain, but seek truth. My instincts lead me to send a letter expressing my feelings and this was outside my comfort zone. The old pattern would have been to take the pain, remember it to apply armor and build another wall. I'd then feel awful, make empty choices all the while not standing up for myself in a healthy and supportive way.

The Real Truth

    I knew the card had been received when I began receiving several phone calls from an unknown number. No message was left and I felt uncomfortable answering to an unknown person. I had become used to this pattern of receiving frequent calls from my mother and I was scared. I didn't understand why a message couldn't have been left. 

    The next day the mystery caller left a voice mail and their name. It was the family friend letting me know why they returned the card back. They were angry and wanted me to know how the boundaries I was making with my mother were affecting the relationship.

    I made the choice to not call the family friend back. I wasn't ready to hear anymore than that. They resolved the odd scenario I had created in my head and I needed time to work through this. I also didn't feel my voice would have been heard and everyone has the right to share their feelings, but I felt judged and I needed time.

Accepting Limitations

    Like diving into chilled water, it made me realize the unresolved emotions and old patterns (food, shopping, cleaning) that I used to fill the pockets of pain with. The part of me that doubted myself. The part where I stopped feeling and blamed others. And the part of me that makes up stories that may feel real, but actually aren't.  And I realized that somewhere along the way I didn’t believe I was worthy of healing and I weep at this false belief.

    By peering into my heart, I saw the need to have my talents, gifts and limitations respectfully acknowledged and accepted. That each choice I’ve made, whether it leaves a mess or not, is everything I can do, with everything I am. Isn't that what this whole healing journey is about? That I have a choice to heal and I deserve to spend as much time as I need to do so. And that in my own healing, other relationships can begin to heal too.

Happy New Year!

     Happy New Year! What a great time of year to find a fresh start and be inspired to create new things in our lives. While I've never been one to maintain past New Years Resolutions for the entire year, the Inspiring Happiness Project has become a fulfillment of my heart's desire. And a way to maintain the resolution, connect with truthfulness and evoke passion; to create long lasting happiness and healing.

     The reflection of 2012: A year to Inspire Heart's Desire included an embrace of healing. After years of frozen creation, the Inspiring Happiness Project kept shining a warm light that melted icicles from this little heart of mine. Tears released words I couldn’t speak, choices solidified with truth and hands created beauty. Finding a world I treasured allowed me to grow and go against the grain, mingling with beautiful souls and reaching for the stars. As the world blossomed, this safe haven allowed me to begin to face myself with compassion and love, to be honest about my feelings, my relationships, my life; all the sparkles, all the dirt; everything. And with that the inspiration for this year is 2013: The year of The Whole Truth.

     I surprised myself when I placed the phrase: The Whole Truth on my Vision Board in November. The Whole Truth requests courage to speak from the heart and to rise up to support the things I believe in. I am taking time to carefully and delicately open doors and clean out the closest of my life. To inspect each outfit and see if it fits with the new life I am creating. Along with the beautiful sparkly outfits that have me feeling great, there are things stuffed into the dark corners that do no longer fit. As I continue to try on each garment, memories and patterns that were forgotten resurface. And through it all I support myself with light and love, to know that with The Whole Truth I am healing.

The Whole Truth #1: The Doorway of Connection

     In May of 2011 I participated in a Power of Purpose course; I began opening doors and looking in the closets. In this time, I was able to share my feelings of infertility - a journey I'd been struggling with since 2008. This was the first time words were expressed and it opened everything for me. In May 2012 I blogged about my Journey with Infertility. Infertility had become the focus of my life and the constant longing crashed against the cliffs of fear as I wept for the baby I was unable to create in my belly. As time dragged, I recognized its importance, yet I was disconnected from the depth. Soon, light began to shine and I was able to finally ask “what will a baby bring to my life?" This required an open heart and willing ears, as my patience was tested I unearthed its importance.  
     What parent hasn't been changed by a child? Babies bring new life and create transformation for the parents. I wanted to create a renewed life and find transformation. My inability to have a physical baby not only represented my future, it was my past. Somewhere in my childhood, I hid away my inner creative jewel of a child. I learned to survive, the only way I could, through the experiences that hurt me and the words that tore at my soul by doing the only thing I could to save this treasure - I locked her away. Layers of protection surrounded her as I made my way through the years of being asked to follow rules and make choices that put others best interests first.  
     As years went by, her memory faded into the corners and I forgot about the charming paintings I created, breathtaking words I wrote and a life lived with unbridled love. These were discarded because they didn't fit the rules. I forgot that I could create a transformed life filled with beauty and healing. But, she would have none of it - she kept knocking trying to remind me of her presence. But it seemed easier to ignore the pounding on my heart, so I stuffed anything into the little pockets of pain. Shopping, vacations, cleaning, food - these all became my way of trying to drown out the haunting voices longing to be loved. I convinced myself it was easier and safer to trust the pain I was creating, than by opening the door to the unknown.

     I lost a connection to my inner self - to the intuitive nature of my being. Something kept me going and I'm grateful that my desire to create babies was the doorway into discovering this lost heart; allowing me to find the transformation I was truly desiring. While I would still love to be blessed with babies, connecting with myself is allowing this broken heart to heal.

The Whole Truth #2: The Doorway of the Treat Yo Self Cleanse

     In September 2012, I began a cleanse - a cleanse of all cleanses; created to support, generate momentum and do what makes my body feel better.  Today marks day 105 and I'm continuing on with the food choices: Gluten-Free, Dairy-Free, Refined Sugar-Free, Corn-Free and Yeast-Free and enjoying 2 nutritional shakes a day. I greet 2013 with a transformation of  41 pounds away from this happy body. 

The Whole Truth #3: The Doorway of Healing

    The year of 2012 brought about amazing healing and I'm grateful. I've begun opening doors and trying on all the things in my closet. Yes, there is pain and heartache needing to be healed. Yes, there are tears and mourning of experiences no one should ever have to survive through. Yes, with it all, there is trust to be gained, patience to be found and forgiveness to grant and I will spend as much time as I need to create transformation and heal. I will speak with honesty, listen for sincerity and for this year be inspired with The Whole Truth.

May your inspiration for 2013

let your heart take wings and soar!

Happy New Year!