Delicate Balance

The Whole Truth: Choosing To Heal

    The last 6 weeks have been reminders of the healing journey I am on and honestly I've been avoiding this blog post for what seems like forever (even though it has only been 4 days). I've been afraid to see myself clearly, to share The Whole Truth and to choose healing. Sometimes I think, "healing shouldn't been this hard." And then I remind myself that I'm not asking to forget or live in ignorant bliss any longer, I want to remember so that I can heal. It will take time, patience and a willingness to visit old patterns.
    There are times I find discomfort in this healing journey and often try to fill my time with distractions, rather than actually acknowledging what is really going on. It's in these times that I want to avoid blogging so that I try to forget these patterns even exist. 
    But here I am, blogging and being very patience with myself as I stumble over the words to express a deep pattern in my life. I remember the patterns that cause me and others pain and those that strip me to my soul fibers and would prefer to live in the darkness. I remind myself that these old patterns no longer align with the life I am creating and that I am choosing to heal. 

The Whole Truth: Pretty Little Lie

    Last Wellness Wednesday as I sat with Dr. Margaret, we began peeling back layers of defenses and I saw this old pattern. It crept in slowly and soon encroached over my body; I sat stunned by its magnificent depth. It revealed a Pretty Little Lie I had told myself many, many years ago. A lie that I believed was the only way I could survive.  
    Somewhere in my life the sadness was deep and anger was strong and in order to "save and protect me," I developed this part of myself that could assess situations and apply judgment. If the situation was safe, my heart could come out to dance. If the situation was unsafe or if there was the potential I may be hurt, my heart was tucked away into the darkness. 
    It was a pattern around relationships and how I deal with my emotional pain. As it thudded, I realized this pattern not only cast my heart into darkness, but the gatekeeper for managing my emotions felt similar to the Red Queen from Alice In Wonderland. The Red Queen made sharp and decisive decisions reacting to emotions with judgment. There would be peace if everything was done to her satisfaction. But watch out if something rattled her cages, she'd react and demand, "Off with their heads."
    Even though I often felt disconnected from something, I just didn't know what it was, this pattern became a way of survival and I believed was the only way I could live. Part of this pattern was an awareness of the space between my emotions and the judgmental Red Queen. Rather than asking myself what I truly needed, I'd fill the void with sugary sweets and salty starches. When I began exploring my relationship with food in July of 2012, it shook me and there have been many times during my Treat Yo Self Cleanse that I have seen connections to my emotional eating habits.  
     I sadly and humbly admit that on my way home from our session, I tried on the old pattern and grasped to fill the pocket of pain. As I sat eating a small french fry from a drive-thru (something I haven't done in over 4 months), I felt the depth of this need to fill the void.
     I can't take back the consumed fries (which didn't taste good and had my tummy grumbling), but I was able to recognize this pattern as another reminder of the importance of the healing journey I am on. Since then rather than reacting immediately to the cravings, I've been letting them float to the surface and continue to see them as Pretty Little Lies trying to stop me from healing.  

The Whole Truth: Fear To Love

      Another part of this pattern, which I reflect on with raw fear, deep sadness and much humility, is how the Red Queen ended many beautiful relationships too quickly. The gatekeeper was always keeping a watchful eye over my emotional well-being. If the relationship grew and we shared our hopes and fears, the honesty would come close to reminding me of my unexpressed pain. Rather than allowing the relationship to continue to develop based on trust; fear would take hold and the Red Queen would wield a sharp knife and it would be "off with their heads".
     While my heart knows we all make choices and unintentionally hurt others, I am saddened by the number of relationships I ended because of this pattern. I have feared that I couldn't have relationships in my life that are built on trust.  
     Not only did I lose beautiful relationships, my own emotional journey received the same judgement. If something touched me deeply, rather than letting it have its space, the Red Queen would cut me out of the process, and I'd be left with this wake of unsettled, abandoned emotions. Not only did this action stop me from fully connecting and processing my emotions, it left me alone in the darkness. I have feared having a connection with my emotion.

The Whole Truth: Delicate Balance

     With awareness I seek to find a delicate balance to approach relationships and my emotional journey. With a kind and gentle trust I begin to heal by accepting and forgiving what was and what is. While this pattern no longer works for me, I need to forgive the part of myself that is the Red Queen. The part that thought relationships couldn't be built on trust and that unprocessed emotions just disappeared.
     I want meaningful relationships based on trust and I want to create a space where I can trust my own emotional journey, share my feelings and begin to love the things in me that I fear.