9th Day of Treat Yo Self Cleanse

      It's been 9 days since I began my Treat Yo Self Cleanse and already so much has inspired and excited me to be motivated with this journey.

      Throughout my life I've struggled with my weight. I've dieted and exercised. I've made changes, lost weight and found myself later going back to old patterns. I don't even own a scale - the thought of looking at the number used to have so much power to send me into a pattern of anxiety, frustration, guilt and then I'd try to comfort myself... with food?!? It would seem that when things became tough, I would let myself use food to find comfort. It was the most easily accessible and socially acceptable way (or so I thought).

      When my husband and I began trying for children 4 years ago and we struggled, my own depression set-in and the ability to find comfort outside of food seemed impossible. And last year when I began setting new boundaries with my mother more weight was put on. And when the scale registered at the largest weight I've ever been, I cried. How did I let it go so far? How was I so unable to make room for healthy changes?

      Food was quick and I used it to provide an immediate consolation. How often did I ask myself, "what do you FEEL like eating?" Where the answer was tied with the overwhelming feelings and all I wanted to do was bury them. I would rather do this than spending time acknowledging my feelings, accepting what was going on and finding peace. I would choose food for comfort. Relief from painful emotions (for even just a moment) seemed worth it. And as the food settled, those emotions would resurface and then I'd sprinkle it with guilt. It was a painful and harmful pattern, one that I'm changing. 

      Food also connects me to people and baking is my creative outlet. I love planning important meals like Thanksgiving and finding new recipes for family to enjoy. Often the food became a shiny star, something I was proud of. And baking, I love to creatively express myself through baked goods. Cake Pops anyone? I love the craftsmanship that goes into creating something so beautiful and tasty that others love it, putting a smile on their face and in my heart. 

      Maybe the energy I've been putting toward food could be shifted? Perhaps I could find new ways to comfort and love myself if I've had a challenging day? And those emotions - maybe I could spend time processing them, rather than trying to bury them? Maybe food doesn't = connection. While it may be the backdrop of a gathering, any good hostess knows, it's not all about one thing, it's the overall experience. And what about me? Can't I create delicious dishes and get to drool over it myself? Can't the smile I give to others be on my face because of something I made? Can't I give myself shiny stars?

      The answer is, YES! And this is where my Treat Yo Self Cleanse comes into play. It's not about what I can't have (even though there are moments that seem to be the only focus), it's about giving myself the things I can have in a beautiful and lovely way. 

      There is this amazing electric energy and I'm extremely excited about living, loving and choosing what works for the life I want to create.

3 Choices

Nineteenth week of Inspiring Happiness Project

     As autumn approaches, I'm incredibly thankful and excited for the change of the season. Picking apples, beautiful colored leaves and crisp weather. But it also symbols a time when the earth prepares for winter; releasing attachments of past events like falling leaves.

     Not only do I look forward to embracing healing, but also moving forward from the summer season. It has been the most challenging summers for my husband and I. Each month the structure which we had come to rely on was shaken. In June and July my husband was in the hospital twice, requiring recovery and care taking. And in August my husband had a job shift. With each of these events, the overwhelming feeling of health, money and purpose overshadowed our lives.

     Which is why this week's inspirational quote is a great approach to any situation, whatever it may be. There is hope. Hope that through all of the overwhelming feelings, that whatever comes into our lives we have a choice and I'm choosing to let strength come in.

A Year of Inspiring Happiness

Inspiring Happiness Project

      September marks the one-year anniversary of the creation of the Inspiring Happiness Project. It began as an exploration of self-discovery and blossomed into artwork, blogging and a whole lot of healing. With gratitude of this journey, I reflect on the overall project. What have I absolutely loved? What have I wanted to transform? What do I need the Inspiring Happiness Project to reflect for my life now?

Ask Questions. Welcome Answers. Make Changes.

     Last December I began working with Sara Shrode, a graphic designer of Campfire Studio. We began with an idea and it became a tangible item with a monthly theme, weekly quote and 6 Senses to support the theme. Along with this, the materials were printed, with an area for me to journal, as well as a Giveaway portion to share with others. As the project began taking shape, I felt inspired to create the final element, this blog!

Loving It!

1) Monthly and weekly theme: each has lent itself to beauty and mindfulness.
2) Giveaways: being able to share this with others was lovely.
3) Blogging: it's become an amazing tool for healing.

Inspiring Happiness Experience Summary

     While I can't say that every moment has been both inspired and happy, what I can say is that there have been amazing moments. All filled with joy, excitement; as well as sadness, tears and healing. It's in the cumulative experience of these moments that my life was created. With the Inspiring Happiness Project I was encouraged to participate fully and really honor each. Joy came as a relief during the times of sadness and sadness came as a way to find healing. Teaching me that life it is not about the end result, it's about the journey along the way.

Changes

1) Designs: I've begun using my creativity to design all of the digital inspirational images for the Inspiring Happiness Project.
2) Monthly theme: The monthly theme and 6 Senses are combined, supporting each other beautifully. Plus, these will be updated as the blog title.
3) Weekly quote and image: A weekly quote and image will be created with a different look and feel from previous months.
4) Giveaways: I'm revising this process and waiting for the creative solution to be discovered.
5) Blogging: This is a keeper! My experience over the last four months has proved to me that the structure I tried to apply to a weekly blog was sometimes overwhelming. Making time to live life, spend time with family and friends and work are also important. So I'm setting a goal of a weekly blog and if I don't make a weekly blog, giving myself permission to be ok with that.
6) Inspiring Happiness Logo: While I love the original image, which reflected my own personal happiness, I wanted to create a new logo that captured happiness, embraced color and was fresh and beautiful!

Conduct - Exploration

The Cranberries

    I've loved the The Cranberries since I heard Linger in Camp Nowhere. Through the years they simply became one of those bands that I will always love. 
    In May we had ticket's for their show and although it was cancelled, I will always remain enamored with their talent! When my husband let me know about the release of their new music Roses. I was ecstatic and purchased the CD on our way home from a trip up north at the end of March. Conduct began filling the air, words reached into my heart and tears fell. 

"Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together."

    Prior to this moment, we had spent the cold March day in Taylors Falls. Memories from my childhood and of my grandparents' farm played through my heart. My spirit connected with these peaceful  memories, as I honored the love for my grandparents and my youth. A respect grew for the path I was traveling and while visiting my grandparents graves, I asked for love, support and guidance while I was on my Journey Of A Year and Journey Of Change.

"Now it’s too late, we’ve gone too far and we should not be together."

    As the lyrics kept playing, I began to explore the feelings towards my mother. It had been a long time since I was able to be with these emotions. I'd go weeks without thinking about it and then moments like this would request my time and energy. Since setting these boundaries in July of 2011, I could only see our relationship in a destructive way. All along wanting her to just understand, to know why I set this boundary and why I desperately needed this time. I've since come to realize that while I'll accept if she understands this, that it's not about her anymore. That all along all I've really wanted is to know why I needed the time.

"Destructive, disruptive not conductive.
Can’t you see where we went wrong?
Now it’s too late, I can see that we should not be together"

    Often I would ignore the anger and sadness around our relationship, it was simply too painful. Spending time trying to put words to why I'd drawn this boundary, I'd only be left with more uncertainty. I needed something and in the moment of first hearing this song I began exploring why. I realize now that I set this boundary so that I could find my authentic self.

"Take back my life, take back my heart.
I know I can hold it together.
Give back my life, give back my heart."

    There have been times when all I've wanted was the courage to just pick up the phone and call her. And then there are times that I know I'm not ready. There is something inside of me that still needs to be discovered and I will allow myself time to find healing and peace.

"I know we can hold us together. 

Enlightening, enlightening.
When we’re not fighting, we’re not fighting.
Can’t you see we should get along.
It’s not too late, I can see I know we can hold it together.

When we get along, we’re really strong, we’re really strong.
Conduct yourself."

Defying Gravity - Changes

Defying Gravity

    From the moment I heard "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked, I loved it. Seeing the play only sealed this passion and it grew to live in my heart as more than just a back story for the Wizard of Oz. It's a story of life, the importance of making choices and believing that the choices you make are what you need.

    As I began on my own Journey Of A Year, I found familiarity with the storyline and identified with Elphaba, one of the main characters. 
    No, I wasn't living in the Land of Oz, but like her, I was presented with information that shook the foundation which I'd built my life on. I awoke to a whole new part of myself, knowing that my life would forever be changed. 

ELPHABA: "But I don't want it. No, I can't want it anymore. Something has changed within me. Something is not the same."

     The relationship with my mother and my own fears reverberated to my core. I reacted with a new set of boundaries and made the choice to stop communicating with her. I needed time and space to figure our why I felt the way I did. I began changing the way our game was played and stopped playing by rules that only maintained an unbalanced relationship.

ELPHABA: "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.  
Too late for second-guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!"

    Silence filled the void of these unanswered questions, leaving space that words couldn't fill. Acceptance of the unknown began to comfort me; I didn't need answers, what I needed was time. Time to maintain the boundaries, so that I could listen to what I needed, trust my instincts and acknowledge my feelings. 

GLINDA: "Can't I make you understand? You're having delusions of grandeur."

ELPHABA: "I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but 'till I try, I'll never know! "

    A more meaningful connection with myself and my emotions developed once I began to untangle myself from the guilt and expectations. I found ground to stand on and freedom to explore healing my way. I connected with my fear and the idea that with this love, I've been paying a price. 
    Maybe the support and love I had for my mother wasn't enough to keep her alive or enough to stop anyone else from noticing she was unwell? And maybe the support and love she had for me wasn't what I needed either? I began to see how unbalanced our relationship had become and that even if we both did our best, that maybe we weren't the best for each other at this time.

ELPHABA: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost!"

    I have come to accept that the boundaries I placed on our relationship was a direct result of my fear of failing her. I chose to react to her actions. I placed these boundaries to protect myself, to acknowledge the part of me that really needed time to do my own healing.

GLINDA: "I hope you're happy now that you're choosing this."

ELPHABA: "You too! I hope it brings you bliss."

BOTH: "I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it. I hope you're happy in the end."

    As I continue on, I know that the choices I've made aren't what she would like for our relationship. But I can hope that she can respect that these choices have made all the difference to my life. That I am starting to find true healing and understanding of what my own issues are.

ELPHABA: "So if you care to find me. Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: 'Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!' And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me. Tell them how I am defying gravity.  I'm flying high defying gravity. And soon I'll match them in renown. And nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down!"