The Journey with Food

Ninth week of Inspiring Happiness Project

     How I’ve missed blogging. The last few weeks have required extra energy into care giving for my family and fortunately the road to recovery is insight. 

     I felt passionate and aware of what I was bringing into my life and how quickly something can happen to change it. I reflected on my Inspiring Happiness Project and on love, life and healing. I’ve taken for granted what I have, not out of spite or anger, because life gets busy. And it’s in the ‘bustle of busy’ that acknowledging love is essential to making our lives worth living, love is simply fundamental. 

     As I thought about those that I love and what I love, I asked “is there a relationship I have that is wanting to be acknowledged and revitalized? A relationship that could be landscaped to remove what doesn’t work and make room for things that do?" And for the first time, I began to landscape my relationship with food. Digging in and getting my hands dirty, ready to complete a huge landscaping project.

     Over the years I’ve tried various things: eliminating and incorporating certain foods, joining a gym and yes, I’d find results, but then the bustle of life would set in; mindfulness, healthy snacks and motivation could only be sustained for so long and I would soon find this relationship to be deprived of love and attention. 

     When was the precise moment I realized this relationship needed more love? I cannot say, I only know that I felt the tug on my heart to begin. I wanted to once again make choices that would foster love. As with anything, once it’s acknowledged, things start lining up to make changes for the best. 

     First I looked at what is my relationship with food based on? Is it for nutritional value? Celebration? Comfort? And I realized, for so long, food has been my safest and quickest source of comfort. It was easily accessible, provided instant gratification and did what I needed: stuffed painful feelings and memories down. If I had a stressful day at work I’d ask myself “what did I feel like eating?” I'd end up making the choice not based on what I actually needed to help eat to help alleviate the stress. No I'd chose to suppress the emotions and eat food that hurt my body. I’d find temporary relief and then crash, being left with the unresolved stress and now guilt of what I’d just eaten. 

The Layers

     Food became a way to bury the emotions I didn’t want to process. As more emotions went unexpressed and memories left ignored, layers developed. The layers stored sadness, guilt and anger and memories of times so painful to accept. I convinced myself that by eating I was protected from having any pain. 
    Although pain takes on many forms and while I thought my emotions were in check, I knew physically I was not. A number on a scale would scare me to my core and yet, another layer of shame would be added to the unexpressed emotions. Thus the food that I thought was comforting me was actually causing me the most pain. 

    With this in mind, I have grown to recognize I have new ways to find comfort, a pedicure, conversation with a dear friend and most importantly, my relationship with my emotions had begun to transform, no longer did I need to bury anything.
     I began slowly, asking myself "what is one thing that I could begin to weed out and still find support?" So several weeks ago, I eliminated soda. Before this I would drink at least 1 20 ounce bottle of pop a day. The first week was filled with headaches, withdrawal and lots of fear. But after 7 days I was sleeping better and gaining more confidence on my journey to find ways to landscape out what wasn’t working.

     On Saturday, June 16^th I started a cleanse. After researching an all fruit and vegetable juice 3 day cleanse, I was able to wrap my mind around what it would take. Some of the key items were to expect a release of toxins, clarity and a transformation on my relationship with food. As I visited with my chiropractor she also suggested doing a cleanse. Rather than doing a fruit and vegetable juicing, she suggested a nutritional shake that would replace 2 meals of the day, with the 3rd meal rice, organic vegetables and chicken. It seemed like something I could do and before my mind could talk me out of it, I agreed! 

     With an internal drive to know I could do this, I committed to a 7 day cleanse. I knew this would bring forth layered emotions and memories and as they came up I was open, honest and thankful to learn many lessons. I’m proud of my willingness to landscape my relationship with food; weeding out what wasn’t working, encouraging new things to grow and revitalizing the relationship with attention and love and it's only just begun.

A Month of Blogging

First month of Inspiring Happiness Project

     Our lives are filled with a variety of experiences. Many built up with joy and excitement for (weddings, anniversaries, birthdays), others not initially welcomed (rain at an outdoor event, an unexpected car repair or the loss of a loved one). Each experience requires choices and unplanned energy to navigate and integrate this new experience into what we envisioned our lives to be. We continue to be left with a choice to make, "how do we respond to the experience and adjust to the change?" It’s in the choices we make, that our lives are created.

     Making the choice to create the Inspiring Happiness Project was filled with joy and unease. A month in and I’ve already begun to see the rewards of expressing myself and living more intentionally. The creative and inspiring energy I’ve put in has been a lovely way to have weekly inspirational quotes and ways to awaken my senses to continue transforming. 
    I’m making choices to be in the moment and cherish the simple things; like cuddling with my cats while the breeze ruffles the curtains and we listen to birds sing.
    I’m also making choices to let the unwelcomed moments occur; like the disappointment I had with the cancellation of the Cranberries concert, frustration with learning new dance steps and emotions that float towards the surface as I share my truth. I cannot change what happens to me, but I can choose how I will respond and I choose to create a life I treasure.

     As I continue to trust my choices, choosing to blog about my journey of healing with infertility and depression was a true testament. For so long I was ashamed and afraid to talk about these experiences and there I was last week, trusting that I was ready to share, hoping that it would be received with love, compassion and support. Thank you to everyone, I felt all of those things!

    As I travel with June’s purpose to landscape, I am already filled with excitement. Landscaping is more than planting and pulling weeds; it’s about taking what surrounds you, creating beauty and transforming how you interact with your world by Inspiring Happiness. 

Journey With Infertility

In November of 2008 I made a wish to become a mommy! 

     As my husband and I celebrated our third year of marriage and purchased our first house to become a home. 

     Every room of the house had a purpose, with the exception of one. The middle bedroom felt empty and soon I imagined the beautiful children that would occupy the room. Filled with a purpose, I began focusing on creating a new life to live in our hearts and home.

     As the months passed, my wish wasn't coming true. I started reading any book to try and understand why. Yet as another pregnancy test indicated I wasn’t pregnant, my level of concern raised. If I wasn't pregnant, then not having a monthly cycle certainly would decrease my chances of conceiving.
     After several months I visited a doctor and walked away with the diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. As I sought to accept the truth of this diagnosis, I carried broken pieces of my heart. Something was wrong with me, I couldn't fix it and it was stopping me from having something I wanted, children. I became self-conscious, sensitive and sadness filled my heart and home.

Unfulfilled Dream

     Rather than appreciate other areas in my life, my energy shifted and a cloud loomed. Unable to face the pain, I retreated into a world of the dark. Days of sorrow screamed in my head and the simple act of getting out of bed became overwhelming. Life seemed to take too much energy to participate in. My social life shriveled and in my attempt to drown out the screaming pain I ate, I shopped, I did anything to give me a quick fix. I'd then punish myself with a shame spiral after I'd look at my weight or at receipts. I felt even worse, because I had found yet another area of my life that I couldn't "do right." I began to believe that the only thing that would bring me out of my sadness was to create life.
     The bedroom sat empty with its unfilled purpose, the room became everything I couldn't have in my life. The depression symptoms began to affect my ability to participate in life. I fell into a deep pit and stayed there, for a long time. I finally recognized I needed help and began seeing a therapist. Our work together started helping me acknowledge my unexpressed feelings and mourn the loss of my dream.
     As friends and family announced their pregnancies, I became increasingly aware that I was trying to balance something inside of myself. A huge part of me had sincere happiness for each new life and the other part was trying to figure out how to sit beside my sadness of unfilled dreams. There was a significant amount of time where my best and only plan was to avoid being around anyone who was pregnant. It wasn't an easy choice, however I literally felt so much pain being with them, choosing to not be, at least allowed me the opportunity to choose which dose of pain I would receive.

Power Of Purpose

     I was frozen in life, yet time continued to move past me for two and a half years. My state of depression stopped me from simply living. In April 2011 I attended a 5-week training session called The Power of Purpose at work. It allowed me time to unearth my purpose:  

To Dance with my intuition, Following my happiness, 

Creating a world I treasure. 

     It also allowed me time to explore the barriers that stopped me from getting what I want. While many of my coworkers connected with their job goals, I explored my want for children and family.
     In the 3rd week of training, I sat in a room with 25 other coworkers and opened up. As I continued to go deeper into understanding the importance of creating life, words welled in my heart. The trainer continued to create a safe environment, encouraging my coworkers to support me as I opened the doorway to the pain. I recognized how this desire had become a mountain I couldn't climb and that I literally felt as if I would leave this earth if I didn't have children. The room flooded with support as I found clarity. Later many coworkers thanked me for my bravery, I thought, "that wasn’t bravery, it was necessity!"

Creating a Life

     This was the first time that I found words to express my sadness or my desire to become a mother. Before this, even being asked if we had children would set me back days. Embracing the pain and this part of my life allowed me to move forward, recognizing the mountain that had once stood in my way was now a part of my journey. 

     And now today, as I reflect on what a difference a year can make, I find myself sharing words and am so proud. I’m no longer cloaked in sadness and rather than having days, weeks or months spent in the dark, I have moments of bliss and gratitude that I embrace. 

     Do I still desire to be a mother? Yes.
     Do I believe that becoming a mother is the only thing that can bring me happiness? Not at all!
For so long this was all I believed, but now it has transformed into a knowing that while it will bring me happiness, it's not the only thing that can create a happy life. I’ve begun creating a life that brings me happiness.

     Maybe it was my willingness to talk about the things that once made me sad? Maybe it was allowing myself to love other's children? Maybe it was cuddling with my Godson for hours that helped melt the icicles from this heart? Maybe it was having a great conversation with a friend as her newborn son fell asleep in my arms? Or maybe it was sitting with another friend whose wish to become a mother hadn’t yet been granted, knowing that our pain is both real and ours. And maybe, it all has something to do with being able to recognize and appreciate what I have and stop waiting for things to happen and create a life worth living.

     And this is why I started the Inspiring Happiness Project, as a way for me to continue exploring long lasting happiness. My other hope is that by continuing to share my experience, others will be encouraged on their healing journeys. 

Pause To Continue

What do you need?

May 6-12: Second week of Inspiring Happiness Project

     As external factors kept my work world moving along, finding time to maintain my grace under pressure offered a few lessons. Supporting two dynamic work events proved to be an opportunity for learning a little lesson.
     Generally there is uncertainty towards any event on "how it will turn out? Will the technology behave? Did I do everything I possibly could to make this a great event?" While I worked through the unease, along with my spring cold provided a few sleepless nights and had me feeling worlds away from my normal "I'm right on top of that Rose" attitude. 
     As the overwhelmed feelings crept in and reached optimum levels on Wednesday morning, I knew I needed to take time. Wild thoughts raced through my mind "there's not enough time" and "just get it done" clashed as I wondered where I could find balance.
Cuddling in my cubicle, I cleared off my schedule, plugged into Jewel and found a spot to accept both.      
    While I was feeling overwhelmed, I cared about what I was doing and wanted to do a good job. I asked myself, "what do you need to know I'll be ok?"  
    And with that my energy was no longer divided; its focus shifted from what I wasn't getting done to I have all the time I need to do what needs to be done.
    Finding the stability and stillness in this simple phrase changed how I felt and how productive I was. Trusting that no matter what happens that I would be ok, well, that was all I needed and was far more important than me approaching every item on my to-do list with frustration. 
    So when we're feeling stressed or overwhelmed and our Outlook seems to be controlled by our schedule, rather than ourselves, ask yourself "what do you need?" The answer may be as simple as "to know I'll be ok."

A Week of Learning

Trusting Your Journey!

May 1 – 5: First week of Inspiring Happiness Project

     The first week has proven to be a challenge, filled with confrontation, doubt and unease with the purpose of why I'm doing this project. The idea of actually giving away the first week of quotes and senses, had me pause. Who will want to receive this gift? What responses will I receive? Why is this important?

On Wednesday, I had amazing healing session with Michele. My soul has been doing a lot of work over the last few months. Exploring what makes me happy, what I enjoy and setting boundaries. All of this has lead me to this moment where I could listen to my soul and find truth.

     Part of what I needed to hear is to tell the truth, speak my voice and live in full awareness. This road isn’t easy, nor will it be paved and on even ground. It requires taking off my shoes and trusting my feet to connect with my journey. As I walk up hills, through valleys or climb mountains, each footpath teaches a lesson. Each footpath will require strength, stamina and the a leap of faith to stay true to my path.  As I walk on this journey, while the type of path is not known, I will trust myself to know what is right. Here's to trusting my path.