Week 12: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan

Where I Thought This Would Go

Let Me First Say....

This wasn't where I thought this would go. Yet it started out the way most of my blog posts do, me thinking it's one thing and as I lean in, I write into something much deeper. Sure it's easy to blame the initial response for what is going on and most times I'd be fine with stopping there. (screeching noise: wait a second, that isn't exactly true, though most often it's the default.)

Because the truth is; to write and to explore takes courage and sometimes I doubt that I have it in me. So here it goes, I write about a piece of me that has me feeling a little timid and shy. I've been practicing saying this phrase (3 simple words) for the last few weeks and each time I do, it still comes out of me awkwardly  and hyper aware. Even sitting in a room with my holistic nutrition counselor, I struggled to put the words together. Not because they are complex, rather because of the complex feelings and thoughts they evoke. Like an athlete in training, this muscle of mine wants to grow stronger and the only way I do this, is by practicing (and more importantly, believing) that I am...

Where I Thought This Would Go...

It's the calm of this beautiful Sun day, truly the Minnesota weather shined its glory

And as I head into the Sun evening, I count my blessings

The leisurely walk around someone else's neighborhood. Meals outside, wholly devouring nutrients.

A refrigerator stocked with delicious food for the week. The joy of beginning a new GiveIt100 Project that involves Creating Artitude.

Though there it is, the Primary tab of my email account sits empty and I realize that I am feeling that thing.

The piece that thinks, "I'm the only one who feels this way" a little alone, or maybe just lonely.

So I lean in (because that has become a much more loving friend).

And I find in between the stories that I tell myself and the stories I believe, that I need something more.

Yet my mind races with all the things; the missteps taken, the dislikes and negative comments

They race to the supposed finish line, but are stopped from being typed

Because there she is, the observer in me who notices and says, "thank you" to the thoughts

And I pause, to breathe deeply, because there is something more than just this idea of being alone.

What I Really Need To Say

Beneath the stories and somewhere between The Head and The Heart

There is a connection missing, something valuable inside that I'm just not getting

So I keep searching in or out or upside down, just to see if it will be found

Though as I spoke in a sacred space, I realized it's the connection I crave

Not really to anyone else, rather this part of me, that really just wants to be

To have the option to climb a mountain or swim the sea

To explore new worlds or stay home and comfy

To be surrounded with Beauty or be the one creating Beauty

In a place where...
There are no sizes to match up with the value of self worth

No numbers on the scale that measure the importance of my journey

And certainly no comparisons to others on how they create their happy and how I create mine.

If I want to be happy when I think I am...(fill in the blank: thin enough, smart enough, worthy of creating, worthy of being loved), I want to be happy now!

If I want to be confident when I feel I am ... (fill in the blank: talented enough, poised enough, courageous enough), I want to be confident now!

(And if I want to proclaim from this blog, for me to see)

If I want to be sexy when I believe I am... (fill in the blank: thin enough, confident enough, safe enough), I want to be sexy now!

And that's when the flood of what "sexy" is comes in. The definition shaped from an outside perspective.

And even as I've practiced saying it several times, when it comes down to saying: "I Am Sexy!" a part of me is filled with judgment and fear. Because sometimes I do this thing where I look past what I've done and how far I've come and I pull at the insecurity once more. Though it comes down to this, am I worthy of claiming my sexiness?

Well... I have 2 options: 

1) I could leave it up to others to make up my mind for me about what sexy is. 

2) Or I could honor my internal gauge that allows me to know where my sexy lies.

Because I can tell you the things sexy is not (though maybe, for a shift in perspective, I'll say what it means at a deeper level to me).

Sexy Is...

Being vulnerable, courageous and authentic

Finding beauty in what one creates

Being connected, curious and compassionate

Honoring the journey of the heart

And loving each and every body part

Written and shared,
I see that I can trust more
and believe deeply that,
"I Am Sexy." 

With Love, Jan

Week 11: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com
This week I talk a lot about my blog post from Saturday: The Eve of Mother's Day, why? Because that post allowed me to transform how I celebrate Mother's Day. The week leading up to it I was unsettled and even though I tried to distract in many ways, finally, when I began writing in and examining the pieces, I realized that I was indeed in place where I could look at this day in another way. And this was a transformation, a way to shake the dust off the old way of doing things and find a new way to be in and with myself and my emotions. An act of courage and self-compassion came in and I am so proud of myself for taking the leap into this space of infinite possibilities.

With Love, Jan

The Eve of Mother's Day

A Prelude to the Mother's Day Poem

I write...though it's prickly and deep. And even as my emotions surge, the parts of me that desire to be noticed are held captive to the fear and doubt. "It's complicated," I say. No life coach, therapist, spouse or friend can come close to filling the place inside. No chocolate, or food, or treats can either, heaven knows I've tried. The disconnect I feel, is asking to be seen, to notice the heartdeep and the breathbeat and to notice the pattern I feed, it's here to teach me. Bubbling underneath the surface, here's the space I've been trying to avoid. Tattered and torn or maybe better yet, worn. Yet here it goes, because there's beauty to explore.

On the last Mother's Day I tried to lean in and sent personal messages to each one of my friends. Though this year, I'm going to try another way, because honestly, this leaning in is sliding closer to my heart and I'm trying to feel it, without falling apart.

It's not just the navigating I'm experiencing with my own mother; it's something more, something deeper and (a pause to recognize the glimmer of light that wants to shine in the darkness of my mind) I know what it is. Even as my furbabies cuddle with me all day and my nephews and friends' children are available for all types of fun play, it comes down to this, they simply are not mine. So I don't know the answer and don't have a clue, I'm not even really sure quite what to do. Yet, I keep writing to see, if there is something deeper and wiser in me. And even though I find myself rhyming quite a bit, I am only looking for the pieces that fit. I don't want the wrong sort of right, or the piece shaped like a star to try and fit into the light. I want what is healthy, wholesome and true and when it comes down to it, I just want to be told, "I love you."

So I'll admit, the day recognizing mothers has me navigating deeply. The rising of the pieces that I was trying to lignore. Yet this time, I'm trying something more. To take notice of the deeper desire to feel the glow. To reach inside and rely, upon the tools I have and trust the messages from the sun and the sky. To seek no one's approval of myself or my journey; or continue to fill a cup of doubt, fear, or worry. To journey in and see the seeds, after all, this is all I truly need. To plant the garden I want to grow, where nourishment, support and love flow.

So I reach on in, to the cavernous place and make the choice to write about it, in the place where life and lessons and pain resonates. So now what will I do with the seeds of doubt? Perhaps, make the choice to turn them into something I am proud about? But before I leave this place where I learn, let me take one last turn. Notice the details of the dark and isolated, a space where no flourishing garden can grow, this I do truly know. Yet I wonder, will I still learn out in the sun and under the sky? Where light beams through the clouds and the ground beats with life? In a place where sight and sound surround the vast land. Where love knows only to love and where hope comes with courage from in and above. Where joy happens freely and emotions are observed really. And so to my garden I go, to plant the seeds of gratitude, love and peace and to truly share the final piece.

For my friends and family who are mothers,

Whether your children cuddle and coo or play joyously with you, notice the spark of light they bring to your life

And whether your birthed them from your body or birthed them from you heart;

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For my friends and family who are mothers,

Whether your children purr, bark or neigh,

You were chosen for them and they for you; 
Cuddle with your furbabies, especially today.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For those mothers whose children have journeyed to heaven

Even though they cannot be held each day, they send their love in amazing ways.

In the light from the sun beam between a cloud or in the breeze in your hair,

You are indeed mothers and for you,

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For the women who desire to be mommy's and simply are not,

Explore and share when you feel you can,

Because sometimes all you need is to be heard by a friend.

It begins with practice and blossoms with love

You who wish to mother are worthy of this beautiful message too,

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

For my own mother, I send gratitude and grace

For if it weren't for you, 
I wouldn't be able to explore in this vulnerable space.

We are both trying to grow and I appreciate this so.

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

(a pause... to breathe... to cry... to allow....)

And for the mother I wish that I were, 

Well, I send her the same.

Because if it wasn't for her, 
I wouldn't be able to explore in this vulnerable space.

For had her wish been granted 6 years ago...

Who knows where'd I'd be on this journey of mine and all the places I would grow?

Have a Happy Mother's Day!

With Love, Jan

Week 10: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's my compilation of my 10 second videos I've shared on Giveit100.com

With Love, Jan