What is best for my essential self?

Last Night's, Late Night Blogging

I should be sleeping right now. The moon is peaking through my curtains, the clock is ticking past my bed time and my cat just crawled into bed to settle in for the night. Yet something is calling me to blog. To speak about the quietness, to examine the part of my life that has me pausing and to willingly share what's been going on. Introspection isn't always easy for me, though truth be told, I don't think it is easy for anyone. It requires energy, willingness and courage and an awareness of the self. 

I'd like to talk about my journey with infertility and how I'd like to start calling this my journey with motherhood. I'd also like to talk about the Power of Purpose training course I'm taking at work. When I took the course nearly 3 years ago, I was at a very challenging time in my life. For the first time I was facing my depression, my desire to have children and my relationship with myself. Something happened during the 5 week course and through conversations and activities, I discovered hope, breaths of fresh air and a knowing that I would be journeying forward with this knowledge as a foundation for my growth. 

One of the activities in the course is to talk about our WANTS. The big things we want, what we are doing (or not doing) to get them and the roadblocks we place in our way, mostly out of fear and self-worth that stop us from getting them.

Motherhood was one of my big wants. There were times it was all I could think about. Yet all I seemed to focus on was my envy for other's pregnancy's and the struggles within my own infertility. In a state of depression, I floated further from my real want and essential self and began living like a robot, doing what I could to get through the day. Until I took this course. Somewhere deep inside, I was willing to unearth what was going on and became willing to learn from it. Reflecting back, I see that me and my body were so disconnected, that no baby could have been brought in to this experience, nor did I really want that for them or me. I wanted a baby so that I didn't have to be sad anymore. And in some way, I believed that a baby would save me from having to save myself. 

Fortunately,

(and I say that now, 5 years later,) 

my infertility 
was my doorway 
into my own healing. 

Motherhood remains a want for me. Though I'll be honest, as I was reengaging in the activities in this training course, I realized that I had other wants. And these wants weren't all about motherhood, they were about me living more fully in my life. I began to see how our wants can shift, that what is really important will ask you to fight for it a little bit harder and that we all have a choice.

Maybe someday I'll be a mommy?

Maybe someday our child will be created in my body?

Or maybe, someday, my husband and I will open our home (because our hearts are already there) to a child that doesn't have a mommy and daddy and love them, because we were meant to be together?

And even with the dreams of motherhood, I recognize that the reasons I thought I needed to be a mommy are fears that aren't true (though sometimes they feel like they are). So to reclaim, I'm rephrasing these lies into truths.

I am love. I am healing. I love children.

I am accepted for who I am.

I'm learning to live in the now,

I trust, with faith like never before, that I am exactly where I am meant to me. 

This Morning

On my way in to work, I realized that my late night blogging was my celebration of my essential self. That in my willingness to explore my want for motherhood, my day-to-day choices in how I live are mine to honor. I cannot change what comes my way, though I can feel and learn and acknowledge all of it.This journey is enjoyable (and more fun) if I pay attention and when truth pours from my heart, I begin to self-forgive and course correct that which is no longer needed. I don't know the future, though as I head into life, if there is doubt, I ask,

"What is best for my essential self?" 

Then & Now

Sometimes I forget how far I've come. (And if you've been following my story or knew me before I started this blog, you may be asking "how can that be?") But really, sometimes, in the day to day, I don't put much thought into my journey. It's not because I don't care or because it's been easy. Rather I really care and there are moments where I struggle to make the best choice for myself. It's just that I see myself in the mirror each day and though I've noticed, the changes have been gradual. 

13 months have passed since I began transforming myself, including my physical presence and today I express my gratitude for this journey. 

For the 99 pounds transformed and if a picture is worth a thousand words, here they are.

The Black Dress

The Purple Dress

Now

I Lost My Voice

You may think as a blogger that I have the ability to write and speak into my truth with ease. That self-expression comes naturally and that more often than not, I am willing to share my truth. Though, if I'm really being honest here, sometimes it is a struggle to write what is on my heart and in my mind. That I can come up with a million other things to do. Like cleaning, rearranging my living room or sorting my DVD's alphabetically (yep, did all of those before I could write this blog!) Sometimes in the moments of time and breaths of silence, the best choice of action is to be still. So as I sit writing this in my newly arranged living space, I find that my courage to write has grown, that my willingness is a trust of exploration and that as I share this new layer will unfold before me. 

I Lost My Voice

Voicelessness doesn't suit me, in fact I thoroughly enjoy communicating verbally and when left without words, I feel lost. So when I lost my voice last week, I had to appreciate the doorway into healing. Sure, some may say the voice loss was from a cold or because I've been stressed. Though, I believe it wasn't something anyone could catch, rather it was my physical body representing an emotional block of my holistic self.

The Pattern

 

The situation(s) and person(s) involved need not be mentioned, in fact the details don't really make up how I came to recognize this pattern. Through therapy, healing and this blog, the last few years have allowed me to practice speaking my truth. And yes, I do really mean practice. For years before that (actually as far back as I can remember) I often felt my best choice to confront conflicts in relationships was to listen to what others wanted, set aside what was in my best interest and justify this course of action with, "if the other person is happy, I'll be happy." 

Coping

Though in this pattern, I find that when the pain and hurt become too much, I give in to my silence. I retreated and one of the things I ran to was food. And even though sometimes I still do, food doesn't work the way it used to. It no longer has the ability to cover over what I'd like to ignore. So this weekend, as I was trying to avoid this blog, I leaned into another escape: cleaning and organizing. And though that felt good to get rid of what no longer belongs, it was just another way to try and avoid what really needed to be said.

Retreats are a powerful ally for protection and save me from having to confront a situation I'm uncomfortable in, a coping mechanism I learned early on. But what really happens (and this is a new realization, so please send a little extra love here) in my retreat, there is confusion and this leads to hurt. I don't even provide the opportunity for the other person to be involved in my experience or to understand my perspective, let alone accept or love it. I figure, if I end it first, then I don't have to sit around and wait to be hurt. The self-sabotage bathed me in doubt and this all happened before I could honor my feelings. 

I've functioned (sometimes barely) with this pattern. In fact, by denying the freedom to express, my repression would build up underground, until one day it would all become too much and explode lava of hurt and all the pent up energy would cause destruction. The thing was, I wasn't aware of it. And even though it hurt, I'd keep doing it, because in some way it provided safety. In fact it was so familiar that when it most recently happened, I thought maybe this was how I was meant to live in response to challenging moments in relationships. 

"There's a better way of doing this"

It came as a whisper from my heart, but I didn't listen right away. I wasn't ready to see the destruction, not able to understand what came from my actions and certainly not willing to identify that it wasn't the other person (or persons) that were causing me to feel this way, that it was me. That something inside was needing to be healed and loved and that there could be another way of living and doing this. A shadow in my light and internal knowing allowed this pattern to come forward for me to learn from.

It took time to see that this pattern was indeed something that needed to be healed. In the breaths of silence, I sat still and uncertain. I was so afraid of potential outcomes that may come from me expressing my true feelings that I retreated. Within a few days, I realized my silence was speaking louder my words and it was clear that I reached a point in my journey and I needed to make a choice. (I admit that I am uncomfortable with this, that is sharing a pattern I've held so closely to and known for so long. I admist I'd rather put down the keyboard and walk away. Call it a night, check Facebook or do something, anything than talk about this.)

Even Without Words, There is Hurt

If all things happen for a reason, then this voicelessness is one of them. In the days leading up to it, I kept trying to express myself, though no matter how hard I tried, it didn't feel right. There was a part of me that wanted to provide each detail as to what happened that had me feeling this way. While the other part kept asking for patience and love. And somewhere in the middle I sat.

In the beginning, I made a choice, I chose: SILENCE and so did my body. My unwillingness to express what was as the heart of the matter was actually hurting me and this relationship, more than if I had just been truthful earlier. Frustrated and concerned, I began exploring and praying, hoping to begin somewhere. When I was able to pick up a pen and journal, I realized that my act of silence hurts too. That in fact my wordlessness was creating a situation more complex than before.

 

What I needed was time and patience. Yes, I needed to speak my truth. Yes, I needed to trust that the foundation of mutual respect and love could continue to be built upon. And yes, I needed to learn how to share my feelings, especially in this uncomfortable situation. And that by making the choice to express myself, rather than pushing down the hurt, I realized that no volcano of destruction would errupt.

It became clear to me that what I wanted, more than ever before, was to lead with love in self-expression and to involve the person(s) in this exchange. My silence was the representation of me being careful and intentional. I wanted to protect what had been built. And I wanted to honor my pattern, while allowing myself to release the holds and safety of this out-of-date pattern. And that the only way I would know what outcome would come forward was for me to give it a try. To speak my truth and trust it would be surrounded with love. That only by honoring my pattern would I be able to learn from this experience. And in my act of honesty, I found my voice of self-expression and vulnerability. I found that even with the discomfort, being truthful felt better than being silent.

Polka Dot Tights

I didn't realize it when I bought these tights, that they were more than just fabric that would cover my legs, they became a doorway into a few lessons of honoring my journey. 

Lesson 1: Shop with friends! They see beyond limitations.

I haven't always enjoyed shopping with others. I felt embarressed or undeserving, so I'd fly solo for most trips. After meeting a dear friend for dinner at the mall, I wanted to grab a pair of tights. This friend came with me and encouraged me to buy my first pair "fancy tights." As I stood debating on what to choose, in one hand I the more Plain Jane pair and in the other the Polka Dot pair. One brought me safety, while the other made me smile. There is nothing safe about a pair of polka dots tights and for me, it was outside of my comfort zone. Thankfully the friend encouraged me to by the Polka Dot pair and I didn't realize it then, how thankful I am that she was there to see beyond the boundaries I had with clothing.

Lesson 2: Love the curves! If it doesn't come from within, it cannot be found.

Somewhere (and I don't know when) I thought a "plus-size" gal like me cannot wear fancy tights (or a lot of other things for that matter). I didn't want to draw attention to myself, let alone my legs. Though throughout my life, I enjoyed shopping and liked having clothes that I felt pretty in, while trying to dress for my figure. I'll admit that wasn't always fun or easy, especially in the last few years before my body transformation. And even while I believe in loving my curves, I reached a point where I could no longer see the curves, let alone love them. 

Transforming 90+ pounds from a body peels away layers and allows the curves to be revealed. I discovered, (along with a lot of other things,) that I have a body shape I enjoy and am proud of. Clothes that used to fit (even sometimes snugly) now fall to the floor. And in my transformation, my clothing has also transformed. Though there was something more important that was transformed, I began opening to the idea that if I could love myself, where I am at, the weight or pant size really doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel about myself. If I felt confident about my outfit, I felt loved. If I wasn't, I felt that too!

Lesson 3: Permission to be Beautiful! I can list a handful of things I'd like to change about my body, but what about what I love?

I'm not sure anyone ever told me not to wear something. Well, maybe when I was younger and kids would tease me? Because I know something happened that causes me to stop myself from really feeling beautiful. And I know this place is deeper than I am ready to explore right now and when I am, I'll be ready. Others have been providing me with compliments and sometimes I am able to accept them fully and sometimes, I have a hard time with it. I keep wondering why I can't see what they see. There is a part of me that believed(s) that maybe I don't deserve to be beautiful. That somewhere I stopped giving myself permission to be beautiful and to be me.

Lesson 4: Make a choice. And trust that each choice will lead you where you need to be.

I'm glad I made the choice to wear the Polka Dot Tights! The permission to be happy, to feel beautiful and to wear what I love, is more important than me trying to guess at what others may think of me. Maybe it took me a few years to begin loving what I wear? And maybe I'm just opening to how I can make the choice to really feel beautiful? And maybe, this journey is just beginning? I made a choice and as I continue on the road of self-acceptance and love, I'll travel with fears, honor them and begin to heal another layer. 

A Change in Perspective

Last Saturday I celebrated my 31st year of life

My 30th year of life was beautiful, challenging and amazing. I did things I only ever dreamed about and as I've become more intentional with my life purpose and healing, I find a willingness to listen and trust my intuition, all of which has allowed me to venture further into my journey of self-discovery. 

I began taking care of myself, ate foods that worked for me, chose to avoid foods that didn't and took supplements that provided me with additional nutrition. I found support with a holistic healthcare professional, Dr. Margaret and each of these pieces, allowed me to blog, explore my healing and transform 99 pounds of my body weight by my 1 year anniversary.

I've taken steps towards my healing and began building a foundation for growth. I've begun honoring my patterns, acknowledging memories and emotions that were set aside until I was ready to uncover, embrace and learn from them and began taking ownership of my process. I acknowledged the part of me that wanted to shine my light and in this realized that I do not need to fit into someone else's idea of who or what I need to be.

I began my journey somewhere. Was it 3 years ago in the Power of Purpose training course at work? Was it a year and a half ago when I began this blog? Was it a year ago when I began seeing Dr. Margaret? Or was it in a conversation with a dear friend this week? While I'm not certain of the exact moment, they all rocked me in to a space of acceptance. Allowing me to travel further into the sea of my own identify and away from the land of what I think I need to be for others to accept me.

At first, the little waves seemed devastating. Then I'd find strength from somewhere deep inside, courage to trust my path and I’d continue forward, moving away from the person I thought I had to be, closer towards the person I truly am. It was slow and steady, there were rays of sunshine and storms of dark. There were pieces I’d brought with me that needed to be lovingly let go and things that laid before me I need to face. It is my adventure, my self-discovery and only I could do the journey. I am the one who has to face the waves, who gets to bask in the rays and who truly knows what it feels like in the waves of infertility, family relationships and with my eating habits. It is up to me to do the work, learn the lessons and if I halt along the way, it is my opportunity to acknowledge it and love myself even more. 

As I move into my 31st year of living and loving and learning, I find trust and willingness are on my mind and in my heart. My spirit and physical self are eager to align and as I continue to trust my intuition, finding that the more often I make choices from this place, I shine a little brighter and feel a lot better. I'm on a healing path, I'm healing in the breaths I take, in the clicks of my computer keyboard and in this I am finding safety. I've began writing in to this healing space. And on my birthday made the connection that today is a rebirth of my journey. That all the work I've done, all the pieces I've integrated and all the parts I've begun healing, travel forward with me.

A New Healing Layer

There is something missing in the words I wrote earlier this week. A piece of my journey that was hidden, even from all of me, until I was ready to see its truth and was willing to be vulnerable into the space. And if I were not to write or blog in to this, I would be ignoring the beautiful lessons that came forward and the embrace of a new layer of healing. 

I've felt my journey leading me into approaching a new layer of healing, preparing me to go into a deeper level. I began noticing it in July and trusted that when I was ready I'd start receiving more signs. Introspection and a sense of cocooning became consuming and I knew at some point what was will need to fall away, in order for what will be to become what is. I'd need to recommit to my healing journey, deeper and with more trust than ever before. To reconnect with my intentions and that I'd begin to see why I’m taking the time and putting forth the energy to heal. I'd need to let go of certainty and trying to predict outcomes. And that my heroine (also known as the ego) would need to take a supporting role, rather than the lead. 

I couldn't articulate that when I first noticed it, it has taken months of writing, conversations, halts and prayer to acknowledge that I am working at a much deeper level than I'd ever been and all parts of me need time to embrace or fight to survive in this new layer. It’s an odd place to be - the limbo between all that has been - which seems long since forgotten and all that will be - which seems just out of arms reach. And somewhere in the middle, I sat, contemplating, trying to figure out what I really wanted. What was going on and why I was having such a hard time with this phase of my healing. 

I kept asking for signs from the universe about the next steps, hoping I’d be able to predict what was next, so that I could find safety. Once I began asking, I received many signs. The thing is I didn't think they were big enough and the part of me that was trying to resist this new layer, had me doubting that they were even real. So I'd disregarded them and then go, "hey, wait a second, where's my sign?!?"

Cocooned into the wants I have for my life and purpose, while old patterns and old self-identifies were fighting for survival. I struggled with the willingness to travel into the darkness to see the truth. I was trying to honor the new layer, while let go of the old patterns. And somewhere in the middle, I felt stuck.

 

The 2 Weeks

 

Somewhere between my 1 year anniversary and my birthday the idea of, "no one would know if I ate this or felt this way about that," crawled forward and rather than follow my intuition, I gave in. I didn't confess this to Dr. Margaret or even let my best cleanse friend know - both of whom I'd previously trusted with so much, especially around food. I see now that I couldn't have been honest with them, because I wasn't able to be honest with myself. My closet eating habits pulled me in and I found comfort at first and then shame. Food and eating wasn't giving me the same feelings I used to get, I was feeling bloated, though mostly, any emotion I had tried to stuff down didn't get stuffed down and I added guilt on top of that. Who was I really hurting in this? It wasn’t Dr. Margaret, or you, my family, friends and supporters. No, it was me and me alone.

So while all of this was going on, I kept asking for more signs, trying to sort through and write into that which was affecting me and my actions. And as time progressed, the signs grew larger in size.

When my husband and I travel, we like to experience new places and enjoy new food. Though, since I began my dietary changes, it has become less enjoyable and I feel much better if I know everything that is in the meal. For my birthday, we headed to Bayfield, WI and on the way, stopped in Duluth at Blackwoods (a restaurant that offers gluten-free food). As we were seated and browsed the menu, some options sounded great. Then I got a sign, this time louder than a whisper, my intuition, heart and body said, “Let’s have a supplemental shake tonight.” At first I struggled to accept it, I was here at a restaurant that could make something work for me. This time though I listened and I honored what I really wanted. I had a choice and made it. It wasn’t a “have to” or “should-be”, it was a “want to” and “need to”. It was the start to embracing the new healing layer.  

Wednesday

I weighted myself for the first time in 2 weeks. I’d been avoiding it, knowing that I had been eating too much. So when I got on the scale, the weight increase of 4 pounds reverberated to my soul. For the last year, I’d successfully maintained my weight or transformed at least 1.9 - 2.6 pounds a week. The increase was a physical manifestation that I'd been running from something and that this pattern wasn't working for me, it was working against me and my healthy lifestyle goals.

And just in case that sign wasn't enough, I received a flashing, neon lights, larger than life sign that simply couldn't be ignored. As I attended an offsite professional development meeting with my coworkers, I ordered a meal that was to be gluten-free and dairy-free. I set the little special meal card at my place setting and when the server brought over my food, I felt confident to enjoy the meal. The presentation was great, as well as the networking. As my coworkers and I were leaving, a mere 45 minutes since eating, I noticed that lights were too bright and the right side of my forehead began throbbing.

We made it back downtown and I noticed the pain was increasing. I started talking and noticed that my speech was slightly slurred, my eyesight was starting to blur and the sound of my heals on the granite floor was pounding in my ears. I was having a full on migraine attack - my form of an allergic reaction to gluten. I made it into the comfort of a dark room and thoughts began running through my head. It has been at least 8 months since I've had a migraine (compared to my usual 1-2 a week) and part of me forgot how painful they are. While the other part of me tried to power through it. I began a list in my head of all the things I needed to do, but they were just excuses. Then I felt it, “none of those things matter, you need to take care of yourself.” As tears streamed down my cheeks, I acknowledged this truth.

Somehow I made it back to my desk, rescheduled my meetings, let my boss know I needed to go home and headed home. I knew taking the train to my car was going to be too much, so I took a taxi. I arrived home safely and got sick, everything was expelled from my body. And as I stood in the shower, I felt the pain begin to slowly fade. I crawled in to bed, covered my head and wept. It was all I could do. My body was sending me a sign. And if there had been any shadow of a doubt of how important my dietary choices are, they were gone. I recommitted, stopped wavering and stopped worrying about me eating like a "normal person." I've seen how my body operates when I feel normal. Having a migraine, being sick and curling up is no longer my body's normal. Migraines are signs I’ve eaten gluten or nitrates. Stomach and digestive issues are signs I've eaten dairy. My sensitivities are real and in fact are my body's normal.

A Change In Perspective Came...

For a while (longer than I care to admit) I allowed my choices to be in the hands of others or outside of my ownership. After those sign, I trust that my ability to listen to myself and make the best choice for me is wisdom that I will and do learn from. I need to take care of myself and no one knows what is best for me, besides myself, my higher power, God and my angels. And when I ask for and receive signs, I'm going to do a better job of paying attention. And as I continue to explore and heal, I trust that each piece is meant to bring me closer to a piece of myself that deserves love.

I don’t know where this will lead me. Especially with baking. I enjoy baking gluten-free, dairy-free and refined sugar-free, though I also enjoy baking with traditional ingredients. I just don't eat the traditional ingredient items and for now, when I bake, I do not experience any reactions to the traditional ingredients.

There is no way that I could keep doing this if I wasn’t committed to my healing, but there is a part of me, (maybe my heroine (ego)?) that really doubted why I needed to. The part that brought me into my closet eating habits and pushed the boundaries of my healthy lifestyle choices. And that’s ok, I needed to go through it and I’m sure there will be more opportunities for me to recommit, to really claim and take care of myself. Because through all of this, through the pounds I’ve put on and the pounds I’ve transformed and the healing I've found, I was born to do this. To explore, to heal, to share, to blog and that my experience isn’t just about my relationship with food, it’s about my relationship with myself.

With loving intentions, Jan

"Some people are working on liking themselves well enough to allow healing. 

It can take time for them to achieve sufficient self-love." 

- Echo Bodine