Week 9: + The Head and The Heart

Here's a compilation of Week 9:

The Head and The Heart

Across from me in the cozy, leather banquette, sat my life coach
She, willing to support my journey
I, willing to discover the answer of my heart
And trying to calm the answers from my head

The question was,

What do you need right now?

Clear and true, it rang within my space

Support

What is stopping you from receiving this?

A pause, because I was calling it out 

The piece of me that wants to be right

Where old messages, long since learned, no longer fitting to the life I want to live, repeat

And in this "pause" I discovered more deeply

It wants structure and safety

And while it's gotten me through so much

It doesn't want to be discarded.

And I sat

In silence

Struggling to even call the "pause" by it's proper name

Not able to actually say the 3 letters

Because it would seem, if I did

The life I was living would shift

Her sparkling kind eyes saw me
As I squirmed to mutter the word
With deep belly breaths I said it
Because I knew
If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have spoken the truth
Yet when I did
I felt like my biggest secret was out

~

And so I have a conversation

Between my heart and my head.

2 weeks later and awareness comes in
The light into the darkness, a place no one but I can be
I've been changed

Yet in doing so,
Something new (Or actually quite old, something long since laid down to rest underneath the rubble of extra baggage)
Came forward
A way of coping with the change to structure
And the "pause" trying to do it's best to still be right

No, my friend, Chocolate doesn't really make us "feel better"

I whisper to my head

Nor does eating extra food

Yet, here I've been in a 2 week awareness

And find myself coming home with a cartfull of things that just hurt.

"It's all I know how to take care of you."

And I say,

"Yes, I'm aware of that.

Though my heart knows new ways how to do this.

Tools I've learned that help me build a new foundation of support."

"Then what will I do?"
Ego asks.

And in the most loving, compassionate way

My heart says to my head,

"I still need you! 

You are important for me to plan and process. 

To be with me on this journey. 

To be remembered, honored and respected."

With Love, Jan

Week 8: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Celebrating my 50th day and continuing to explore how I support myself, in ways other than with sweets. 

With Love, Jan

The Exercise

The Slow Down Diet 

I'm trying something different this week and blogging about what comes forward with the primary task (or exercise if you will) in one of the books I'm reading with my holistic nutrition counselor. Yesterday I shared that chocolate crept in as a self-soother and today when I found myself coming home with more sweets (even alternative sweets require a delicate balance for me) than I've had in the last few months, I realized doing this exercise is essential. So I'm making the choice to share, explore and be with the information that comes forward, all while being compassionate and supportive.

Primary Task - Week 6: The Metabolic Power of Thought

Let me start off by saying, this chapter (and book) have opened doorways for me to support my goal of creating an authentic relationship with food. Writing into this is another tool to help me identify thoughts that drain energy and replace them with thoughts that gain energy. This is meant to be a new beginning in how I use my mind to support my highest intentions.

Exercise: Think Nutritionally

I've written down my most common thoughts I repeat to myself about eating, nutrition, and my body. These thoughts come together to shape my relationships with food and ultimately help or hinder my metabolism. I completed this exercise in 3 parts. 1st: I wrote everything out. 2nd: I reread them and placed an "*" next to the thoughts that empower my metabolism and an "x" next to the thoughts that diminish it. 3rd: I used strickthrough to replace the energy-draining thoughts with metabolically inspiring ones.

What do you tell yourself when you're eating?
* If I'm eating something that works for my body, I'm rejoicing.
x If I choose something with more sugar or whole grains, I think how it will hurt my body later and then assume it will. When I listen to my body, the foods I choose are nourishing and healing.
x Sometimes I think about why I'm the only one eating this specific way. There are many people who eat to feed their bodies nutritious food and I am one of the many people who supports my body's needs.
x When I have more emotional days, I think about going to the drive-thru at one of my old favorite places and just ordering the food to eat it and feel full, regardless of how I'd feel afterward. This is an old belief I am changing. Now, I support and nourish myself at all times and when I'm feeling more emotional, I choose self-compassion and exploration.
* When I shop and I read labels on certain foods, once I know it is in there, I avoid it.
x Sometimes, I wish I didn't care what the ingredients were, that I could just buy whatever I wanted to because it looks/sounds good. I read the ingredients from a place of love and choose wisely.
x If I don't eat enough food now, I'll be hungry later and I won't be able to find something to satisfy me then (so I over eat). My body knows how much food I need each time I eat. I choose to support how much and how often I need to eat to feel my healthiest and by having nutritious snacks available, I support what my body needs.
x I wish it were easier to just "go out to dinner" and come away feeling ok. I research restaurants that support what my body needs and by doing this and asking for what I need, going out to dinner is an enjoyable treat.
x Sometimes I'm comfortable with the food on my plate and sometimes I'm not. I am increasing my capacity with comfort and relaxation with my food. If I feel discomfort, I support what my body is telling me and make another choice.
* I choose to feel nourished and satisfied with this food.

What do you expect food to do for you?
* Nourish.
* Create energy, providing power to be my authentic self.
x I ask food to comfort me, to be there when no one else is and to bring me out of feeling so lonely, providing me with a feeling of fullness, so that I at least feel like I can have that. I choose to be curiously compassionate when it comes to supporting myself.
x I also expect if I eat certain things (gluten, dairy, too many grains, too much sugar) that I will become sick (migraine, digestion issues, emotional swings) and if ignored for too long, that I will gain weight. I support the signals my body sends me by making choices with my food.

What nutritional rules do you feel strongly about?
* Eat protein, healthy fats and greens.
* Add variety by trying new foods.
* Read labels and make a choice, either put it in the cart or back on the shelf, trusting that once it's in the cart it will work for me.
* Eating at the dining room table and putting my fork down between bites helps create a more enjoyable eating experience.
* Be open to finding new recipes.

What are your rules about health, weight, and longevity?
* To feel better.
* Make choices that support my authentic self.
x Avoid gluten and dairy 99% of the time. I appreciate knowing that my body prefers gluten and dairy free food.
x Avoid whole grains 75% of the time and only have in small portions, earlier in the day. I support my body by noticing how many whole grains my body can consume.
x Avoid refined sugar 95% of the time, though alternative sweeteners (agave, maple syrup, coconut sugar) enjoy 50%. I receive sweetness from life in many ways.
x Even weighing less than I was 19 months ago, I could weigh even less now, if I would just take better care of my body. I take excellent care of my body and continue to transform the relationship I have with my body image.
x What I weigh and how I look impacts how I am perceived in the world. I am confident and comfortable with my body.
x Weight protects me when I think nothing else will. I am supported, loved and trust myself.
* I  live a life filled with joy, ease and growth.

What are your fears about health, weight and longevity?
x That if I stop paying attention to what and how I eat, I will gain weight and feel miserable. I choose to enjoy the foods I eat, by enjoying them, I maintain a weight I am happy and confident with.
x It might be easier or quicker if I just ate whatever I wanted to. The foods I choose allow me to be nourished, I find the time, energy and resources to support this.

Is food your enemy or your ally, or is it a combination of the two?
* The foods that I love now are my ally, they help me to feel better, more active, engaged and aware.
x Though it's the memories and associations with foods from my past that have me thinking I have an enemy. It's my thoughts about these other foods that have me feeling nostalgic and then it opens me to shame and the idea that I "can't have" those other foods. I honor the memories and relationships I had with food by noticing, allowing and releasing.

And About Those Sweets

This exercise took me a few hours, with pauses in between. I was diving in and when doing so, it's healthy to remember you already know how to swim. So I honored the process and after my husband and I talked about the sweets I bought at Valley Natural Foods: Suzannes Ricemellow Creme, agave gummy bears and chocolate cover pomegranates (all gluten and dairy free), I realized I'd been "thinking" I was "wrong" or "bad" so I made a choice. While I may not have purchased the items from a fully intentional space, I'll make a choice on how and when I enjoy these sweets. This will be after I've acknowledged my feelings, taking a moment before each bite and by doing so I will truly enjoy them. No guilt, no shame, no "shouldn't do that's", because I'll listen to my body and enjoy it deeply.

With Love, Jan

Fitting In

The Project Team

If I wanted to, I could list all of the reasons I wanted to be a part of this project team. The list would include my work experience, history and the fundamental belief I share for the power of the project. I had invested energy and time into even expressing my interest and when I did, I felt ready. I began envisioning the activities I'd support, the places I'd learn and the new connections I'd make. I did all of this, though what I hadn't pictured was the large number of potential candidates and the limited number of roles. And when it came time to filling these roles, I hadn't thought I wouldn't fill one of them.

Not Now

I felt unruly when I found out. My mind had been made up and was in a state of shock to think of not being a part of something I wanted. So when I crashed in - I found myself standing in the cavern of my favorite retreat, afraid of what "not fitting in" meant for me and my journey. I reached out, because it was something, I could do and my life coach appropriately "congratulated me" on not actually getting the role. Why? (not for the reason I initially thought,) rather, she saw, what I couldn't, perhaps this is a gift. Though last night I was still too confused to read the recommended enlightened posts she sent me. My thoughts were racing and I tried with my most authentic self to settle in. I ate a nourishing meal when I got home and moved my body to a Yoga Booty Ballet routine, yet the thoughts kept repeating. And as the tension built between me noticing what was going on and trying to ignore it, the belief that "I only know how to navigate with my feelings by eating" stepped forward. And even as I grabbed for the bag of Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips and headed to the couch, I paused and asked myself if this was the best choice.

Reflecting now, I see that it was the best choice I was able to make at that time. Aware and yet wanting to zone out, I found temporary relief from trying to figure things out. I wanted something from the chocolate - a calm, trust that I could indeed navigate with my thoughts and emotions. I wanted something from the act of eating - though the quick and zoned out approach didn't actually allow me to really ENJOY what I was eating. I wanted distraction - the movie I watched helped, but even that can only pull you in, until you realize there is something inside that wants your attention.

I didn't want to figure it out, heck, I didn't even want to be in it or with it. This new feeling was bringing up discomfort and now that I have a new lens through which I see myself, my journey and my world, I knew what it meant, I'd need to make a choice on what and how I support myself with Courage, Compassion and Authenticity. And even though I knew (deep down) that I was ready for this awakening to a new layer, I resisted. Though I see, after many navigation's of the self, back to the self, that while the story and details are different, the new layer isn't meant for me to suffer or feel pain, that's a choice I make in how I respond to it. Rather, it's meant for me to be in it, with it, love it and release it so that I may continue to grow, teach and become more of the authentic person I choose to be.

Perspective

Yesterday I chose avoidance and bitterness, though even that was significantly reduced from the amount of time I would have spent in that place before. Today I choose to write. To begin folding out the layers of the lesson and to see this with my new lens of compassion.

Ok, so yes, I wanted to be a part of something I believed in, yes, I hoped it would be so and yes, I was not selected. Yes, I chose to be angry, bitter, frustrated and sad. Though what I came to see, was that underneath it all, there was this part of me that just wanted to belong. And how by not being selected, I felt like I was the last kid picked for the kickball team (insert here all of the negative things I said about myself and the reasons why). How I thought now that I have transformed my body and "look more the part" maybe now, I will be accepted. And as my friend helped me process with this, she placed the mirror before me and I saw how at the heart of this lesson was my desire to fit in.

So it really wasn't about the project, the team or not being selected that had me in a tizzy. It wasn't even about the choice I made to indulge in chocolates and numb out with tv that had me upset. It was knowing that I had somehow placed my self-worth on whether or not I fit in to this group.

The End is the Beginning

And while I'd like to share all the lessons I've learned, it's still new and I trust with time, I'll gain more respect and come to see this lesson as a gift. Though before I get there, here, right now is where I am meant to be. Spending time understanding the layers of acceptance, self-worth and the external validation I look for, when here, in my heart, is all the validation I need to know I'm living my life with Courage, Compassion and Authenticity. 

With Love, Jan

50th Day of My 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Today is my 50th day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment (wow!)

My relationship with food, weight and my health has become more authentic and this journey has been supported by posting a 10 second video on GiveIt100.com daily. I've become more willing to be present to my experience, to share where I am and how I've navigated with deeply beautiful spaces of growth.

And for those who have been supportive and encouraging, thank you! Your words and thoughts are appreciated and I truly believe have been (and will be) essential to the healing journey I am on.

So with arms wide open and a heart filled with love, I embrace what the next 50 days will bring me. The places I'll journey, the people I'll connect with and the stories I'll share!

With Love, Jan

Week 6 & 7: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment & Doors

In the last 2 weeks, I began exploring topics of my self-worth, my journey with infertility and my body image. These topics held weight with them and required time, energy and oodles of self-compassion. 

Here's my Vlog & 2 Week Video Compilation: 

A Little More About Doorways

Maybe some doors stay there, in their place, seen, touched, yet unopened? The door isn't bad or good, wrong or right, it just is. And yes, something is behind it waiting, patiently to be approached. Sometimes it's taking action on something you've always wanted? Sometimes it's reconnecting with others and just because one person has started acknowledging the door, you find yourself faced with an adjoining door, that requires the person to open their door too. This act shouldn't stop you from noticing the door, because even if the door isn't open now, it doesn't mean it won't open later? And maybe there is work to be done on this side of the door before you can pass through it?

With all doors, you know it's shape, size and the details that make it distinguishable from any others and you know it's part of your journey. It's important because you've made it be, otherwise it wouldn't be a door, it wouldn't even be a window, it would just be a time when you made a choice. The doors serve their purposes. They keep out what may be hurtful and keep in what is safe.

My Doors

I have seen many doors in my journey of healing. Some I've been so willing to embrace, open and walk through, others I stand in front of it, angry for it's existence, because I know what lies beyond is where I want to be, not here, in the closed darkness. So I'd fight with it, pretend it's not there and just go about my day. But there simply is no way to continue ignoring it, because before I can reach the outcome, something here, with this door, needs my attention. 

I used to think it only needed to be opened, so I'd try to force it, using tools that weren't right. Turns out the doors only opened when I came to them with no more excuses, no more "plans", no more running away or pushing past it. So I'd spend time in front of the door, sometimes moments, sometimes days. And rather than seeing this door as something in my way, I started asking questions. Why are you here? What do I need to learn before I can open you? And I'd wait, with patience being the teacher and somewhere I'd find the key. The answer was always here, within me. Answers come when the questions can be asked. And opening doors only comes when all pieces of ourselves (heart, soul, mind and body) are ready to open them.

I've opened many doors, particularly in the last 3 years. So I know the amount of time, energy and love that surrounds the journey of the self, back to the self. I also know, no one can get you to see, acknowledge and open the door if you don't believe you hold the key. It's oddly liberating, the act of opening a door. Yet I felt inspired last night to do something differently, rather than just opening door after door, what if I paused and reflected on how far I have come and how many doors I have opened? To be an observer to the life I've traveled and to support, love and release any doubts that this life is anything but designed for me.

Yes, I have patterns from childhood, beliefs I've continued into my adulthood that strike blows against my self-worth, body image and the trust in myself to create the life I want to live. Yes, I have relationships in my life where there's a door and it's closed and only the act of time, patience and love will open it. And yes, I have things I want that aren't in my present life and though it can be painful, it's a reminder that I do indeed want them, yet it isn't going to stop me from being happy now.  

The Pink Project

Yesterday I began noticing a new door. The door is a rosy pink, with a fuchsia pink handle and trim. The top of the door is rounded with a peak in the middle. I can tell it's been there for a while, though yesterday I only noticed it and what I recognized was the inspiration that came forward. That maybe pink, it's color, it's presence and it's meaning are all here for me to see something within my life in a new way. So I began posting pictures of me, wearing pink within my social media world. It began slowly and soon I found myself sharing over 40 pictures. So I'm going to keep doing this, because in my heart, it feels like the best thing to do, a way to honor my journey of what was and celebrate what is.

Body Talk

It began 2 weeks ago, I wanted to create a Vlog about my experience and reflections with my body image. I waited, until I could find the "right moment" to explore this topic. And then as today came in, I realized that I had really just been putting this off, because talking about it and then sharing it changes it and I didn't know if I was "ready" to bring it in to light. Though everything else I did this morning seemed only half full, I was doing the motions, but I wasn't truly invested, because my heart knew what I wanted to do. So with an ounce of courage, I sat outside on this beautiful day and began recording. In editing this, what I didn't show were the long pauses between thoughts, it would seem this topic: Body Image, stirred up thoughts, memories and emotions. I also realized I didn't quite connect with the phrase "Body Image" and maybe that is because I haven't ever talked about it. So in trying to find my way back to a space for healing, I share my vlog.

With Love, Jan

My Reflections with Infertility

I've created two vlogs in the past two days, reflecting on my journey with infertility.

Yesterday

After receiving so many kind words and honest connections, I created this additional vlog.

Today

Thank you for your empathy, love and support. I appreciate each word, kind thought and hug! I'm finding the more I share about this, the more others are willing to share with me about their own journeys. I believe in these connections and trust our journeys are bringing us together for a reason.

With Love, Jan