A Gentle Holiday

What Has Been

I'll be honest, for that last few months I haven't felt connected to my purpose or to setting a monthly intention. It would seem that the sorting through life experiences unearthed old patterns and had me second guessing myself and my journey. I was unsure of where I was headed and where I even wanted to be. I didn't have a good sense of being grounded and lost site of why I was making the choices I've made. October was the first time since September 2011 that I didn't have (or honor) a monthly intention .

In November I posted a daily Facebook post about what I was grateful for and while this was helpful, I wasn't fully engaged. After Thanksgiving I took time to reflect on what I was grateful. While on a road trip to see my favorite band: Cloud Cult with an amazing friend, inspiration came. Somewhere between the acoustic melody and viewing the bands intentional performance, something was unearthed. The next day I heard from a life long friend who started reading The Happiness Project (a book I read in 2011 and was the inspiration for this blog). And in these moments, playing witness to other's purposes, allowed me to reconnect with mine. I heard my heart whisper: 

My intention for December:

Be Gentle with Myself. 

I paused. It was a huge sigh of relief and I wanted to understand what it took to get me out of my head and in to my heart. Though it wasn't just one thing, it was a accumulation of months, series of events that lead me down this path. I needed to test the boundaries and my rebellious gal wanted to see how much I REALLY NEEDED to set a monthly intention. And I realized that this was part of my intention, I was Trying To Figure It Out. I just didn't know it then and while part of me wishes I did, the other part knows that I needed to journey without this to see if it was important enough for me to journey forward with. 

The Holidays

Each year as the holidays approach, there is an amplified sense of emotions and expectations. Some placed on myself, some from society and others from those closest to us. I celebrate Christmas, create traditions, watch my favorite holiday movies and send up prayers of thanks. Once Thanksgiving ends, I usually find myself feeling a little more vulnerable than usual. And I knew going in to this holiday season I was at a different place in my life. I've been through a make-over, not just physically (though 102 pounds has certainly played a part in this). I've also been more willing to acknowledge my feelings, release judgement and express them. Though I still consider myself a "work in progress," I'm aware that I still find myself vulnerable to old patterns to cope and avoid uncomfortable relationships when I've been hurt. 

I'm not striving for perfection, 

just perspective. 

So this year I didn't want it to be all about the presents or the food, or the things I WASN'T doing. I wanted it to be different. To show up more where I could, create new traditions and if after checking in with myself and I needed to make a choice that might not align with others expectations, I wanted to support myself differently. While I could anticipate the triggers, I was eager to support myself with gentleness! Sure there are circumstances that tug at my heart, having me wishing things were different and yet, right now, they are the way they are. They aren't wrong or right, they just are and rather than beating myself up or doing something to "fix them" in a way that wouldn't align with my essential self, maybe, just maybe, this year, by honoring my intentions, I could feel supported in each choice I make.

It's Taken Time

So as I found myself struggling, frustrated or unsupported, I called up my intention, "Be Gentle with yourself, Jan." I'd breath and find myself calmed and grounded in my space. Vulnerable, yet aware, I participated in life with more with love. This shift in perspective allowed me to journey into the holiday season without having a mental health practitioner on stand by. This was something I was concerned about, it would be the first holiday season since 2009 that I had this. Yet, I knew deep down that only if I tried it, would I find a well of support within myself. I discovered that by changing how I thought about the situation that I could indeed be in the experience differently. This didn't mean that the events changed, nor did my feelings, though how I supported myself with it did and I felt better.(*Disclaimer: Mental health and vulnerabilities are to be approached with respect and taken seriously. I am sharing my experience and it was a step I felt I could take. Though if you are seeing a mental health practitioner and are considering making a change with practitioner or frequency, please discuss this with them. Only you and that practitioner can evaluate if this is a step you are ready to take.) 

The Ghost of Christmas Past and Present

I find myself grounded with clarity and willingness to follow my heart and ask, What is best for my essential self? And as I move forward, I reflect back with love, here are a few reasons I'm thankful this year.

The Red Capri's July 2012, June 2013 and December 2013.

The Red Capri's are a size 28 and what I wore (even snugly) in July 2012. The blue jeans are a size 16 and what I wear today.

The Red Capri's today. They actually make a cute pencil skirt.

Happy Holidays!