By The Numbers

The Physical

Over the course of the last 15 months, I've come to recognize how important it is to take care of my health. By eating better and moving my body in ways I only once dreamed of, I have found more joy and less pain. I've talked a lot of about my emotional and weight transformation, though today I want to share how these changes have impacted my overall health including my blood pressure and cholesterol.

My last physical was in April 2012 and as I headed to my appointment in October, I knew many of the changes I've made would be reflected in my numbers. While there is no blood work to showcase how far I've emotionally healed or bar graph to show the rise in self-confidence, there are numbers that support my physical changes.

My doctor was proud of me and thought "let's have your blood work drawn, just for fun!" Normally I cringe at this process, though I'll be honest I was intrigued. I share the results from my physical from April 2012 and October 2013 below:

Weight
April 2012: 301                                         October 2013: 204

Blood Pressure
April 2012: 130/88                                    October 2013: 110/68
Difference: -20 / -20
First number:                                             Second number:
      0-120: Normal.                          /              0-80: Normal.
      120-139: Pre-hypertension.      /              80-89: Pre-hypertension.

Vitamin D (preference: between 30-80)
April 2012: 11.6                                         October 2013: 26.3
Difference + 14.7

Cholesterol (preference: less than 200)
April 2012: 196                                          October 2013: 152
Difference - 44

HDL Cholesterol (preference: greater than 39)
April 2012: 38                                            October 2013: 46
Difference + 8

LDL Cholesterol (preference: less than 130)
April 2012: 125                                          October 2013: 92
Difference - 33

Triglycerides (preference: less than 150)
April 2012: 165                                          October 2013: 74
Difference - 91

Picture as close to April 2012 as possible
(turns out I didn't take a lot of pictures then).

October 2013





A Gentle Holiday

What Has Been

I'll be honest, for that last few months I haven't felt connected to my purpose or to setting a monthly intention. It would seem that the sorting through life experiences unearthed old patterns and had me second guessing myself and my journey. I was unsure of where I was headed and where I even wanted to be. I didn't have a good sense of being grounded and lost site of why I was making the choices I've made. October was the first time since September 2011 that I didn't have (or honor) a monthly intention .

In November I posted a daily Facebook post about what I was grateful for and while this was helpful, I wasn't fully engaged. After Thanksgiving I took time to reflect on what I was grateful. While on a road trip to see my favorite band: Cloud Cult with an amazing friend, inspiration came. Somewhere between the acoustic melody and viewing the bands intentional performance, something was unearthed. The next day I heard from a life long friend who started reading The Happiness Project (a book I read in 2011 and was the inspiration for this blog). And in these moments, playing witness to other's purposes, allowed me to reconnect with mine. I heard my heart whisper: 

My intention for December:

Be Gentle with Myself. 

I paused. It was a huge sigh of relief and I wanted to understand what it took to get me out of my head and in to my heart. Though it wasn't just one thing, it was a accumulation of months, series of events that lead me down this path. I needed to test the boundaries and my rebellious gal wanted to see how much I REALLY NEEDED to set a monthly intention. And I realized that this was part of my intention, I was Trying To Figure It Out. I just didn't know it then and while part of me wishes I did, the other part knows that I needed to journey without this to see if it was important enough for me to journey forward with. 

The Holidays

Each year as the holidays approach, there is an amplified sense of emotions and expectations. Some placed on myself, some from society and others from those closest to us. I celebrate Christmas, create traditions, watch my favorite holiday movies and send up prayers of thanks. Once Thanksgiving ends, I usually find myself feeling a little more vulnerable than usual. And I knew going in to this holiday season I was at a different place in my life. I've been through a make-over, not just physically (though 102 pounds has certainly played a part in this). I've also been more willing to acknowledge my feelings, release judgement and express them. Though I still consider myself a "work in progress," I'm aware that I still find myself vulnerable to old patterns to cope and avoid uncomfortable relationships when I've been hurt. 

I'm not striving for perfection, 

just perspective. 

So this year I didn't want it to be all about the presents or the food, or the things I WASN'T doing. I wanted it to be different. To show up more where I could, create new traditions and if after checking in with myself and I needed to make a choice that might not align with others expectations, I wanted to support myself differently. While I could anticipate the triggers, I was eager to support myself with gentleness! Sure there are circumstances that tug at my heart, having me wishing things were different and yet, right now, they are the way they are. They aren't wrong or right, they just are and rather than beating myself up or doing something to "fix them" in a way that wouldn't align with my essential self, maybe, just maybe, this year, by honoring my intentions, I could feel supported in each choice I make.

It's Taken Time

So as I found myself struggling, frustrated or unsupported, I called up my intention, "Be Gentle with yourself, Jan." I'd breath and find myself calmed and grounded in my space. Vulnerable, yet aware, I participated in life with more with love. This shift in perspective allowed me to journey into the holiday season without having a mental health practitioner on stand by. This was something I was concerned about, it would be the first holiday season since 2009 that I had this. Yet, I knew deep down that only if I tried it, would I find a well of support within myself. I discovered that by changing how I thought about the situation that I could indeed be in the experience differently. This didn't mean that the events changed, nor did my feelings, though how I supported myself with it did and I felt better.(*Disclaimer: Mental health and vulnerabilities are to be approached with respect and taken seriously. I am sharing my experience and it was a step I felt I could take. Though if you are seeing a mental health practitioner and are considering making a change with practitioner or frequency, please discuss this with them. Only you and that practitioner can evaluate if this is a step you are ready to take.) 

The Ghost of Christmas Past and Present

I find myself grounded with clarity and willingness to follow my heart and ask, What is best for my essential self? And as I move forward, I reflect back with love, here are a few reasons I'm thankful this year.

The Red Capri's July 2012, June 2013 and December 2013.

The Red Capri's are a size 28 and what I wore (even snugly) in July 2012. The blue jeans are a size 16 and what I wear today.

The Red Capri's today. They actually make a cute pencil skirt.

Happy Holidays!

Loss and Gain

This Post

There are times when I can write a blog post in the morning and share it in the evening, I'm clear of it's intention, inspiration and the love that surrounds it. And then there are times, like this post, where I've written and rewritten, saved it in the draft folder, deleted it, started over and filled pages of my journal about this topic. All the words don't feel quite right and any excuse I can make to do something else has filled the pockets of time. It would appear that in order for me to write this post, I need to share how I got there. (Maybe it's an excuse to write about something other than what is underneath the surface?)

Some research into the creative writing process has allowed me to see that "writer's block" is less about the words that won't come and more about the shattered pieces in the psyche that aren't ready to be shared. (And in truth, what I want to write is frightened to be heard, seen and felt in to.)

I'm writing this post a little differently than others, (though maybe it will be exactly the same?!?) I want to share what happens when I express truth or what thoughts try to come in and stop me. I'm going to start here, because it seems to be the most supportive way to begin. (I wrote that line and now I'm not sure what piece seemed to feel safest. I keep typing, trying to unravel at the strings that are holding the words hostage. My critical self trying to convince me to delete that line, that the blog post is long enough and that it isn't important. Also struggling with the idea of sharing my internal monologue.)

My body transformation is Amazing 

I knew, many years ago, that my body transformation would be this way. Integrative, slow and that all shattered pieces would need time. Physically: weight is transforming and the reactions I was having (migraines, stomach issues, body aches) are decreasing. Emotionally: increased happiness and more wholeness are being created. Learning to see thoughts that can derail progress and understand that my old patterns, maybe are not that old and how I, in some really honest and truthful way want to explore this. Mentally: I associated weight transformation progress with winning. Started to receive compliments and began thinking these were the only way I could be loved. And saw my preference to THINK before I FEEL. Spiritually: I'm beginning to see how my journey is connected with love and loss. Trusting that I would be supported by my higher self , God, angels and healers as I started praying more and stopped feeling so alone.

Each piece began communicating what was needed and when I started listening and taking action, life became richer. I felt alive like never before, because for the first time, I was acknowledging more of myself. I kept doing it because it felt right and when I paused, I'd try to unearth what was going on. Sometimes this process was easy and simple and sometimes it was long and difficult. No piece was the same, yet as I continued on, strength and confidence grew and began beaming out of my fingertips.

Less Than 2

This represents the journey, the struggles, the time and energy it's required for me to reach a point where my weight  began with a number that is Less Than 2. (I kept thinking that this would make a good blog post title. It's what I've called all of my journal entries over the course of the last week. Maybe it will be the title? Though for right now, it feels as if I'm trying to down play my journey and discredit that really through this journey I have experienced loss of weight and emotional baggage, while gaining awareness and forgiveness. Actually, that's a better title: Loss and Gain.) 

The number on a scale has meant a great deal to me. It's been the physical representation of my journey. I've placed emphasis and importance on the number, because it did mean I was finding support and beginning to heal. Sometimes that number, is all I can think about and sometimes I find myself on a self-made scale of judgement around my weekly weigh-ins.

If the number decreased, I gained joy; lost doubt. 

If the number increased, I lost pride; gained shame. 

99 Pounds in a Year is AMAZING

With food choices that honored my body, honoring of emotional moments and a willingness to explore life, my journey included weight loss and body transformation of .6 pounds to 2.2 pounds per week. After I reached my one year anniversary and 99 pounds transformed, something shifted and for the first time, I found myself stabilizing or gaining. I stayed between 200-206 and called it a plateau, though I really knew there was something deeper. In early October, I had my first migraine in 8 months due to an allergic reaction to gluten. That migraine flooded me with guilt, doubt and shame, filling the rest of October with introspection and a whole lot of pausing in my healing. I honored the need to take a break from seeing my holistic chiropractor. (Though I've only just started to explore the deeper meaning as to why.) I also enrolled in a Power of Purpose course at work which allowed me to reignite the passion for self-exploration and honest introspection. (I'm grateful this opportunity came forward, there are times when the universe creates moments for more love and light to shine in, exactly when needed. I'm starting to pay more attention to these beautiful life opportunities.)

Food Was All I Had 

(I'm sure there is research out there supporting the process I'm going through. Maybe it is like a 12 Step Program, just without the structure? I'm learning how to journey with my healing through honoring my feelings and writing in to it.)

Food was (is) my coping mechanism of choice and for so long it was all I had. Nothing else seemed to provide safety like it. Easy, accessible and relatively inexpensive, food and the act of eating became my co-pilot through life. It's traveled along side of me and sometimes took the driver's seat. I'd allow it, because I needed to. (My body shudders at this painful truth, what sadness is felt in the truth of this line and with tear filled eyes, I see it clearly). It's not that I was completely incapable of living. (Though during several times spent in a suspended state of living, life ending thoughts and those "big" life moments that can only transform a life - whether it is wanted or not - it might appear that there were times I actually was incapable.) I didn't know how to ask for help, so in the midst of it, all I knew how to do was cope and the best way I knew how to do that was to eat.(It also meant that I didn't actually go through and heal from the experiences, they built up over time and eventually I needed to go back, create radical forgiveness and acknowledge how I will do it differently next time.)

I carried the weight of these memories and moments around with me (literally and figuratively). And soon found that I had another way to get through life, weight! It allowed me to feel safe. And it would seem the more physical space I took up in the world, the less I was seen. Food and weight were doing what I asked them to, they were keeping me in a temporary and unstable state of safety, always requiring more from me, because it wasn't sustainable or what I needed. It kept me closed off from others, though mostly, from myself.

30 Days of Gratitude

In November I set out to share a moment of gratitude each day on Facebook, allowing myself to Be. In. The. Moment. There were days when expression would fly from my heart and others where no words could come close to honoring my journey. (Overall it was a meaningful experience and I'm grateful that I was able to strive for gratitude expression daily.)

November 2013

On November 6 I shared this post: "Day 6: Gratitude for entering into my "one-derland" (when the number on the scale begins with a "1") this morning: 198. The last time I weighed that I was in my senior year of high school. The last month or so reaching this goal was more challenging than other big goals had been. A lot of lessons, patience and love were required to reach it and I'm thankful I'm here and it happened the way that it did! — feeling awesome.

And with that, I went about my day, shared the joy and found myself on the "winning" side of the scale. Then at the next week's weigh in I was up over 200. And for the rest of November I stayed there, just above 200. And even though some of this was due to premenstrual water weight, there was something deeper that I needed time to process, accept and honor.

The Prize

When I began my journey, it was all about the numbers, reaching goals and reaching a specific outcome. I've been "in it, to win it," wanting to "defeat the monster that lives in my head" and to "be a better person on the other side of it." I placed a lot of energy, time and money into my healing and in some way thought, "it better be worth it." Sure I had health issues, suffered with migraines and stomach issues and weighed over 300 pounds. Sure I was continuously finding myself stunned in emotional experiences that I didn't know how to support myself in. Though those pieces didn't seem sparkly or satisfactory enough. And even as I journeyed the only thing that kept me hanging on was the idea that when I reached the end of this, I'd get a prize.

Someone asked me last week, 

"What inspired you to start this journey?" 

My answer, 

"so I could have a baby." 

(Let's just stay there for a moment. There was a time when it was all I dreamed of, hoped for and waited on. It was dark in the world of absolution and when I linked weight-loss, with baby-gain, the two became tied so tightly to one another. It was an underlying, silent sabotage, because honestly I wasn't aware of it until this week. Somewhere all of this had become about me reaching a goal weight, so that I could have a baby. And now that I approached being closer to my weight-loss goal, I had feelings of loss, shallowness, selfishness and sadness. Could my journey, back to myself be just about reaching an end result?!? I struggled to see any other meaning for this. I do want something good to come from this, though what if that something good is feeling better, being healthy and creating wholeness in my life? What if being able to do this - BLOG - is the something good that I don't need to wait for something else to happen, because it is happening right now.) 

There's a Lesson To Be Learned

As I started seeing that I was closer to my weight goal of 150, I realized I was closer to what inspired my shift in life, what finally got me to start taking care of myself and that I was in this new world of expectations and what if's. 

What happens when I reach my goal weight? 

Or what happens if I don't reach my goal weight?

What if when I reach this goal, I am still not able to conceive? 
Or what if I reach this goal and I want to adopt instead?

All of this came pouring out on November 6 and I didn't know what to do with it. So I waited, found a well of patience and began feeling in to this space. (This wasn't my first choice or the easiest one, though it was the most important. I kept trying to avoid the questions, because I felt they would bring forward so much truth I wouldn't know how to handle. And then somewhere - maybe a whisper from my heart - I realized that I didn't need to have any of the answers or that even when I reach my goal weight that I don't know what is in store for me, my body or my life. I learned that in the acknowledgment of each question, feeling, thought, I was bringing forward the space of my beautiful vulnerability. In these moments I see that I am not Less Than anything.)

December 2013

On the first weigh in for December I found myself at 198 and it felt fitting to be there. (I felt as if I was ready, at least more than I had been a month ago, to embrace the unknowns, disconnect from outdated outcomes and continue with this journey back to myself.) 

And now, as I continue to journey towards my goal, I'm starting to ask myself, what will motivate me to reach it, sustain it and accept it with all the beautiful pieces of me coming together to heal.

Beautifully Vulnerable

Yesterday I Threw A Party

Me, my doubts, insecurities and the unknowns were the only ones invited and I, in some desperate attempt to see things differently, involved my husband in my discontented projections. He really wasn't ignoring me, though that's what I opened the conversation with, actually he was giving me what I needed, space.

When Did It Begin?

I often find myself asking this question, because, really there was some event, some moment that I didn't take too much notice of that had me falling into myself, unwilling, but mostly, unable to see something other than what I could. Asking this question allows me to start peeling back the layers, where I find richness, a delicate beauty of truth and a lot of trying NOT to go there.

The Creation of Space

When bedtime came two nights ago, I had this idea in my head about the way things are supposed to be and upon waking I realized they weren't and I wanted it to be different. Time was spent in thought, forming words around the experiences that were now haunting me. And I wrote into the unnameable, into the reactions, the patterns, the concerns. Along with this drudge of misplaced expectations, in the peeling back, I found I'd uncovered raw nerves and I simply stopped writing and talking and doing.

Looking back, here is where I would have been gentler on myself. I would have acknowledged what was going on, where I was and the depth in which it brought me into my self-created rabbit hole. And that I would have allowed myself to have the courage to write my way around it, into it and finally out of it. To see it for what it really was. (Hindsight is great into providing a light on a moment that was so dark, though that didn't help yesterday.)

I've done this before, both the going into this space inside of myself that is so raw and vulnerable, that in peeling back the layers, I discovered truth and was able to do something with it. I could write. I could change how I respond next time and forgive myself for how I behaved last time. (But I didn't want to see anything differently yesterday.)

Avoidance

In the next few hours, my cats cuddled with me as I watched something unremarkable on tv and basked in the warm glow of the Christmas tree. I wanted distractions, anything expect exploring that which was really affecting me. My attention span wavered and I found myself bouncing between shows as quickly as my head was bouncing around ideas. Nothing worked though, because it wasn't what I really needed, none of it was. And somewhere, (maybe deep down?), I knew that too.

The silence in the house was broken, while my head stirred with bountiful thoughts. On top of telling myself all the things I "should be" doing, I added comments about my body, my healing, my pauses. And somewhere in the seemingly unending conversation, through tear stained cheers I whispered, "I don't know how to do this."

By "THIS" I mean - how do I pull myself out of my head and into my experience? How do I acknowledge what is going on for me? How do I BE in it and with it? Somehow I started to think I was "doing it wrong" and I needed a really good cry.

Be In It

A gentler love started rising and the judgmental foe began to be seen for what it really was. My husband, the person I asked to be by my side, surrounded me with patience. The reminder that somewhere in this I'd forgotten how to give myself love. Questions came forward, as if he knew the exact words that would allow me to see the door before me. These words sounded familiar and I pictured myself whispering them to dear friends' hearts as they were in their "it" and I stood by. (Today I wonder why I couldn't do this for myself, I was just too in it, I suppose).

An agreement among my husband and I (though it's really a silent one through seven years of marriage, we've come to support.) In my attempt to name it, here it is:

"Don't fix 'it' for me,
help me to start seeing 'it' more clearly." 

The conversation stops being about what the person on the outside can do to resolve 'it' and more about how they can support the person in 'it'.

The Vulnerability

I saw that behind a doorway there is sadness at how I'd left a relationship. I felt into the sadness as much as I could. Because I know where there once was love and trust, I got hurt, didn't express myself, didn't forgive and abandoned the relationship.

I saw that in this, regardless of the other person, I was damaging the most important relationship, my relationship with myself. By not being able to be by my own side, I abandoned what I thought was "too tough" or "too much" and walked away. And before I can begin to reconcile with others, time spent in forgiveness, with myself, is essential.

And I realized within the darkness of my self-created rabbit hole, that I could stay stuck in the bottom and I could remain unwilling to move forward and allow this to define me. Or I could allow this awareness of myself to be a lesson and: I could learn from it.

I saw that in forgiveness, a new path opens for me, one that includes a mending of the heart. And that I can ask for support and be loved. But something new happened, something I'd touched on from a distance, and now was holding in my arms. Others can be by my side and surround me with support. Though I am the only one who lives in this space and no one else knows what this is like, so it is my duty, my obligation, no, really, it's my GIFT to myself is to be: beautifully vulnerable.

~ ~ ~

There is more, underneath the surface and I'm not ready to share it, to write into what keys may open these new doorways and all of this is ok. I'm doing what I can and in this moment, I'm being gentle with myself. There is something with my physical weight transformation and the emotional journey that has followed. There is something with my opposition to exercise and that the day I stopped was because a raw moment shook me to my core. There is something with my healing journey and the pauses I've taken. And there is something in the choices I make. And today, I'm going to do my best to share this.

Re-Thinking Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!

Each year of our 7 year marriage, my husband and I have hosted Thanksgiving. I love it because it is the start to the holiday season, spending time with family and friends, 4 day weekends (at least for me) and a day dedicated to gratitude expression - sign me up! Though there's one thing that makes this day even more special, yep - THE FOOD! And I LOVE planning out this grand meal, each year trying a new recipe or 2 and improving on my turkey basting skills.

The Thanksgiving Brunch

For the last 2 years our tradition has been a Thanksgiving Day Brunch and even with the excitement of my favorite meal approaching, last year wasn't easy when it came to meal planning. I'd been on my transformation with food for about 2 months, I was still adjusting to eating gluten-free, dairy-free (with the exception to goat cheese) and starting to step in to my healing. At that time, I didn't feel prepared to embark on transforming the entire Thanksgiving meal. So I made food I could enjoy, while making food I thought needed to be on the Thanksgiving table, because it's "always been there". Being the hostess, I thought I was accommodating, though really, I wore myself out trying to plan 2 types of meals, especially half of which I couldn't enjoy.

Re-Thinking Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I made food that supports my lifestyle. Allowing me to enjoy hostessing with ease, grateful that I am feeding my family well too. Making food that works for me and celebrates the creativity in trying new recipe and I share how I made a delicious and supportive meal.

The Turkey (a.k.a. "Turkey T")

Shepherd Song Farm's Turkey
(mine didn't actually turn out this way,
but it was delicious!)

As I began meal planning, I started with the headliner of Thanksgiving: The Turkey! As I was researching an option for a catered meal at work, I found this company: Shepherd Song Farm.

Our turkey came from a farm in Wisconsin that believes in providing a quality of life for the animals. While they primarily raise goats and sheep, during the holiday season they provide turkey's from Amish farms. I knew it was more expensive, yet I understood how important it was for me.
On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving we received "Turkey T" (as our family lovingly referred to him) on our doorstep, fresh (not frozen) and his organic, free-range, chemical, hormone and additive free lifestyle proved to be a tasty turkey experience. I would do this again!

Ode to Cranberry Jelly

I love Cranberry Jelly. Nostalgia brings forward Thanksgiving where the sweet, jiggly jelly sat on a pretty plate at the table. I've tried a few different recipes for Cranberry Relish, but it wasn't the same and I just prefer the smoothness of the jelly. I wanted it this year, though I chose after reading the ingredients from the store-bought canned version that it didn't align with my food choices. And suddenly I found myself buying fresh cranberries to make my own.

I read up on a few blogs. This one from Pick Your Own walked through all of the steps for making your own jelly (cranberry or otherwise). And while I didn't use the recipe, it helped with key steps.

This one from Food52 inspired the "jelly in a can" idea, though here again I converted the recipe.

Using Trader Joe's Pear Cinnamon Cider, pineapple juice, maple syrup, fresh cranberries and fruit pectin, the flavor of this jelly brought forward a new layer of earthiness and spice that I really enjoyed. I also discovered that making jelly, using my new food mill and giving them as gifts is really fun.

Stuffing Un-Done

When it comes to stuffing, again nostalgia brings forward the recipes that include bread crumbs, butter and giblets. Though since I haven't had bread in over 15 months and the alternative breads still have yeast (which I also avoid) I opted for a tasty Curried Wild Rice Stuffed Squash. These were a hit and no one even asked "where's the stuffing?"

I found this recipe from: Arielle Likes To Cook and here's how I modified it. I used acorn squash, rather than Kabocha Squash. Switched the pomegranate seeds for dried cranberries. And used date paste, rather than chopped dates. I also made my wild rice, boiled in organic vegetable broth the night before to make the process faster on Thanksgiving Day.

Pass the Bacon

Ok, I admit it, every so often I enjoy a crispy slice of bacon! Though I realized last year that my body responds negatively to cured bacon (and other cured meats). The sodium, nitrates and nitrites are just too much for my body, so what's a bacon lover to do? Trader Joe's has a tasty uncured bacon and while it has brown sugar and salt, it's an occasional treat that I feel better about eating.

Now how does one go about making bacon even tastier? On Pinterest I saw a bacon and egg bowl, intrigued I tried it out and the results were amazing.

I lined a cupcake pan with 1 strip of bacon per individual cupcake, cut in half. Baked in a 350 oven for 30 minutes, until crispy.

Egg & Bacon
I beat 3 eggs, some rice milk, sea salt and pepper and poured them into the crispy bacon bowls. In a few of the egg bowls, I added goat cheese for added flavor. Baked for 20 minutes.

Pancake & Bacon
I used a pancake mix that is my second choice for my from scratch pancakes, but I needed something a little quicker, so it worked. Once the mixture was complete, I poured the batter into the crispy bacon bowls. Baked for 20 minutes.

Dessert Please! 

I love all things miniature and when it comes to pies, I'm there too! I've tried a few different make-from-scratch gluten-free pie crusts, though haven't yet found one I love (if you have one, please share below). So in a pinch I tried the Glutino's Pie Crust and it was amazing! Of course, some day I hope to create my own, until then, this is perfect! I wanted treats that were gluten-free, dairy-free, refined sugar free and corn free. I found it in these little sweet bites.

Pecan Pie

I've always loved pecan pie! The top slightly crispy and when you reach the middle, it's a moist layer of sweetness and then there's the pie crust! One of pecan pie's main ingredients is corn syrup and since I choose other foods, I was in need of another inspired recipe. Right now I honestly can't remember which food blogger I used to help inspire these delicious treats, though I do have the recipe I used and will share soon! I recall boiling the maple syrup to become thicker and using vegan butter.

Pumpkin Pie
This takes second in my idea of great pies, though what is Thanksgiving without it? Here again, I honestly can't remember which food blogger I used to help inspire these treats, though I do have the recipe I used and will share soon!

I could have poured a little more batter in each, as this picture shows it came away from the side, though they were the perfect bite size treats!








I was thankful that I followed my heart, honored my body and enjoyed creating a delicious Thanksgiving Day Brunch for my family.

What is best for my essential self?

Last Night's, Late Night Blogging

I should be sleeping right now. The moon is peaking through my curtains, the clock is ticking past my bed time and my cat just crawled into bed to settle in for the night. Yet something is calling me to blog. To speak about the quietness, to examine the part of my life that has me pausing and to willingly share what's been going on. Introspection isn't always easy for me, though truth be told, I don't think it is easy for anyone. It requires energy, willingness and courage and an awareness of the self. 

I'd like to talk about my journey with infertility and how I'd like to start calling this my journey with motherhood. I'd also like to talk about the Power of Purpose training course I'm taking at work. When I took the course nearly 3 years ago, I was at a very challenging time in my life. For the first time I was facing my depression, my desire to have children and my relationship with myself. Something happened during the 5 week course and through conversations and activities, I discovered hope, breaths of fresh air and a knowing that I would be journeying forward with this knowledge as a foundation for my growth. 

One of the activities in the course is to talk about our WANTS. The big things we want, what we are doing (or not doing) to get them and the roadblocks we place in our way, mostly out of fear and self-worth that stop us from getting them.

Motherhood was one of my big wants. There were times it was all I could think about. Yet all I seemed to focus on was my envy for other's pregnancy's and the struggles within my own infertility. In a state of depression, I floated further from my real want and essential self and began living like a robot, doing what I could to get through the day. Until I took this course. Somewhere deep inside, I was willing to unearth what was going on and became willing to learn from it. Reflecting back, I see that me and my body were so disconnected, that no baby could have been brought in to this experience, nor did I really want that for them or me. I wanted a baby so that I didn't have to be sad anymore. And in some way, I believed that a baby would save me from having to save myself. 

Fortunately,

(and I say that now, 5 years later,) 

my infertility 
was my doorway 
into my own healing. 

Motherhood remains a want for me. Though I'll be honest, as I was reengaging in the activities in this training course, I realized that I had other wants. And these wants weren't all about motherhood, they were about me living more fully in my life. I began to see how our wants can shift, that what is really important will ask you to fight for it a little bit harder and that we all have a choice.

Maybe someday I'll be a mommy?

Maybe someday our child will be created in my body?

Or maybe, someday, my husband and I will open our home (because our hearts are already there) to a child that doesn't have a mommy and daddy and love them, because we were meant to be together?

And even with the dreams of motherhood, I recognize that the reasons I thought I needed to be a mommy are fears that aren't true (though sometimes they feel like they are). So to reclaim, I'm rephrasing these lies into truths.

I am love. I am healing. I love children.

I am accepted for who I am.

I'm learning to live in the now,

I trust, with faith like never before, that I am exactly where I am meant to me. 

This Morning

On my way in to work, I realized that my late night blogging was my celebration of my essential self. That in my willingness to explore my want for motherhood, my day-to-day choices in how I live are mine to honor. I cannot change what comes my way, though I can feel and learn and acknowledge all of it.This journey is enjoyable (and more fun) if I pay attention and when truth pours from my heart, I begin to self-forgive and course correct that which is no longer needed. I don't know the future, though as I head into life, if there is doubt, I ask,

"What is best for my essential self?" 

Then & Now

Sometimes I forget how far I've come. (And if you've been following my story or knew me before I started this blog, you may be asking "how can that be?") But really, sometimes, in the day to day, I don't put much thought into my journey. It's not because I don't care or because it's been easy. Rather I really care and there are moments where I struggle to make the best choice for myself. It's just that I see myself in the mirror each day and though I've noticed, the changes have been gradual. 

13 months have passed since I began transforming myself, including my physical presence and today I express my gratitude for this journey. 

For the 99 pounds transformed and if a picture is worth a thousand words, here they are.

The Black Dress

The Purple Dress

Now

I Lost My Voice

You may think as a blogger that I have the ability to write and speak into my truth with ease. That self-expression comes naturally and that more often than not, I am willing to share my truth. Though, if I'm really being honest here, sometimes it is a struggle to write what is on my heart and in my mind. That I can come up with a million other things to do. Like cleaning, rearranging my living room or sorting my DVD's alphabetically (yep, did all of those before I could write this blog!) Sometimes in the moments of time and breaths of silence, the best choice of action is to be still. So as I sit writing this in my newly arranged living space, I find that my courage to write has grown, that my willingness is a trust of exploration and that as I share this new layer will unfold before me. 

I Lost My Voice

Voicelessness doesn't suit me, in fact I thoroughly enjoy communicating verbally and when left without words, I feel lost. So when I lost my voice last week, I had to appreciate the doorway into healing. Sure, some may say the voice loss was from a cold or because I've been stressed. Though, I believe it wasn't something anyone could catch, rather it was my physical body representing an emotional block of my holistic self.

The Pattern

 

The situation(s) and person(s) involved need not be mentioned, in fact the details don't really make up how I came to recognize this pattern. Through therapy, healing and this blog, the last few years have allowed me to practice speaking my truth. And yes, I do really mean practice. For years before that (actually as far back as I can remember) I often felt my best choice to confront conflicts in relationships was to listen to what others wanted, set aside what was in my best interest and justify this course of action with, "if the other person is happy, I'll be happy." 

Coping

Though in this pattern, I find that when the pain and hurt become too much, I give in to my silence. I retreated and one of the things I ran to was food. And even though sometimes I still do, food doesn't work the way it used to. It no longer has the ability to cover over what I'd like to ignore. So this weekend, as I was trying to avoid this blog, I leaned into another escape: cleaning and organizing. And though that felt good to get rid of what no longer belongs, it was just another way to try and avoid what really needed to be said.

Retreats are a powerful ally for protection and save me from having to confront a situation I'm uncomfortable in, a coping mechanism I learned early on. But what really happens (and this is a new realization, so please send a little extra love here) in my retreat, there is confusion and this leads to hurt. I don't even provide the opportunity for the other person to be involved in my experience or to understand my perspective, let alone accept or love it. I figure, if I end it first, then I don't have to sit around and wait to be hurt. The self-sabotage bathed me in doubt and this all happened before I could honor my feelings. 

I've functioned (sometimes barely) with this pattern. In fact, by denying the freedom to express, my repression would build up underground, until one day it would all become too much and explode lava of hurt and all the pent up energy would cause destruction. The thing was, I wasn't aware of it. And even though it hurt, I'd keep doing it, because in some way it provided safety. In fact it was so familiar that when it most recently happened, I thought maybe this was how I was meant to live in response to challenging moments in relationships. 

"There's a better way of doing this"

It came as a whisper from my heart, but I didn't listen right away. I wasn't ready to see the destruction, not able to understand what came from my actions and certainly not willing to identify that it wasn't the other person (or persons) that were causing me to feel this way, that it was me. That something inside was needing to be healed and loved and that there could be another way of living and doing this. A shadow in my light and internal knowing allowed this pattern to come forward for me to learn from.

It took time to see that this pattern was indeed something that needed to be healed. In the breaths of silence, I sat still and uncertain. I was so afraid of potential outcomes that may come from me expressing my true feelings that I retreated. Within a few days, I realized my silence was speaking louder my words and it was clear that I reached a point in my journey and I needed to make a choice. (I admit that I am uncomfortable with this, that is sharing a pattern I've held so closely to and known for so long. I admist I'd rather put down the keyboard and walk away. Call it a night, check Facebook or do something, anything than talk about this.)

Even Without Words, There is Hurt

If all things happen for a reason, then this voicelessness is one of them. In the days leading up to it, I kept trying to express myself, though no matter how hard I tried, it didn't feel right. There was a part of me that wanted to provide each detail as to what happened that had me feeling this way. While the other part kept asking for patience and love. And somewhere in the middle I sat.

In the beginning, I made a choice, I chose: SILENCE and so did my body. My unwillingness to express what was as the heart of the matter was actually hurting me and this relationship, more than if I had just been truthful earlier. Frustrated and concerned, I began exploring and praying, hoping to begin somewhere. When I was able to pick up a pen and journal, I realized that my act of silence hurts too. That in fact my wordlessness was creating a situation more complex than before.

 

What I needed was time and patience. Yes, I needed to speak my truth. Yes, I needed to trust that the foundation of mutual respect and love could continue to be built upon. And yes, I needed to learn how to share my feelings, especially in this uncomfortable situation. And that by making the choice to express myself, rather than pushing down the hurt, I realized that no volcano of destruction would errupt.

It became clear to me that what I wanted, more than ever before, was to lead with love in self-expression and to involve the person(s) in this exchange. My silence was the representation of me being careful and intentional. I wanted to protect what had been built. And I wanted to honor my pattern, while allowing myself to release the holds and safety of this out-of-date pattern. And that the only way I would know what outcome would come forward was for me to give it a try. To speak my truth and trust it would be surrounded with love. That only by honoring my pattern would I be able to learn from this experience. And in my act of honesty, I found my voice of self-expression and vulnerability. I found that even with the discomfort, being truthful felt better than being silent.

Polka Dot Tights

I didn't realize it when I bought these tights, that they were more than just fabric that would cover my legs, they became a doorway into a few lessons of honoring my journey. 

Lesson 1: Shop with friends! They see beyond limitations.

I haven't always enjoyed shopping with others. I felt embarressed or undeserving, so I'd fly solo for most trips. After meeting a dear friend for dinner at the mall, I wanted to grab a pair of tights. This friend came with me and encouraged me to buy my first pair "fancy tights." As I stood debating on what to choose, in one hand I the more Plain Jane pair and in the other the Polka Dot pair. One brought me safety, while the other made me smile. There is nothing safe about a pair of polka dots tights and for me, it was outside of my comfort zone. Thankfully the friend encouraged me to by the Polka Dot pair and I didn't realize it then, how thankful I am that she was there to see beyond the boundaries I had with clothing.

Lesson 2: Love the curves! If it doesn't come from within, it cannot be found.

Somewhere (and I don't know when) I thought a "plus-size" gal like me cannot wear fancy tights (or a lot of other things for that matter). I didn't want to draw attention to myself, let alone my legs. Though throughout my life, I enjoyed shopping and liked having clothes that I felt pretty in, while trying to dress for my figure. I'll admit that wasn't always fun or easy, especially in the last few years before my body transformation. And even while I believe in loving my curves, I reached a point where I could no longer see the curves, let alone love them. 

Transforming 90+ pounds from a body peels away layers and allows the curves to be revealed. I discovered, (along with a lot of other things,) that I have a body shape I enjoy and am proud of. Clothes that used to fit (even sometimes snugly) now fall to the floor. And in my transformation, my clothing has also transformed. Though there was something more important that was transformed, I began opening to the idea that if I could love myself, where I am at, the weight or pant size really doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel about myself. If I felt confident about my outfit, I felt loved. If I wasn't, I felt that too!

Lesson 3: Permission to be Beautiful! I can list a handful of things I'd like to change about my body, but what about what I love?

I'm not sure anyone ever told me not to wear something. Well, maybe when I was younger and kids would tease me? Because I know something happened that causes me to stop myself from really feeling beautiful. And I know this place is deeper than I am ready to explore right now and when I am, I'll be ready. Others have been providing me with compliments and sometimes I am able to accept them fully and sometimes, I have a hard time with it. I keep wondering why I can't see what they see. There is a part of me that believed(s) that maybe I don't deserve to be beautiful. That somewhere I stopped giving myself permission to be beautiful and to be me.

Lesson 4: Make a choice. And trust that each choice will lead you where you need to be.

I'm glad I made the choice to wear the Polka Dot Tights! The permission to be happy, to feel beautiful and to wear what I love, is more important than me trying to guess at what others may think of me. Maybe it took me a few years to begin loving what I wear? And maybe I'm just opening to how I can make the choice to really feel beautiful? And maybe, this journey is just beginning? I made a choice and as I continue on the road of self-acceptance and love, I'll travel with fears, honor them and begin to heal another layer. 

A Change in Perspective

Last Saturday I celebrated my 31st year of life

My 30th year of life was beautiful, challenging and amazing. I did things I only ever dreamed about and as I've become more intentional with my life purpose and healing, I find a willingness to listen and trust my intuition, all of which has allowed me to venture further into my journey of self-discovery. 

I began taking care of myself, ate foods that worked for me, chose to avoid foods that didn't and took supplements that provided me with additional nutrition. I found support with a holistic healthcare professional, Dr. Margaret and each of these pieces, allowed me to blog, explore my healing and transform 99 pounds of my body weight by my 1 year anniversary.

I've taken steps towards my healing and began building a foundation for growth. I've begun honoring my patterns, acknowledging memories and emotions that were set aside until I was ready to uncover, embrace and learn from them and began taking ownership of my process. I acknowledged the part of me that wanted to shine my light and in this realized that I do not need to fit into someone else's idea of who or what I need to be.

I began my journey somewhere. Was it 3 years ago in the Power of Purpose training course at work? Was it a year and a half ago when I began this blog? Was it a year ago when I began seeing Dr. Margaret? Or was it in a conversation with a dear friend this week? While I'm not certain of the exact moment, they all rocked me in to a space of acceptance. Allowing me to travel further into the sea of my own identify and away from the land of what I think I need to be for others to accept me.

At first, the little waves seemed devastating. Then I'd find strength from somewhere deep inside, courage to trust my path and I’d continue forward, moving away from the person I thought I had to be, closer towards the person I truly am. It was slow and steady, there were rays of sunshine and storms of dark. There were pieces I’d brought with me that needed to be lovingly let go and things that laid before me I need to face. It is my adventure, my self-discovery and only I could do the journey. I am the one who has to face the waves, who gets to bask in the rays and who truly knows what it feels like in the waves of infertility, family relationships and with my eating habits. It is up to me to do the work, learn the lessons and if I halt along the way, it is my opportunity to acknowledge it and love myself even more. 

As I move into my 31st year of living and loving and learning, I find trust and willingness are on my mind and in my heart. My spirit and physical self are eager to align and as I continue to trust my intuition, finding that the more often I make choices from this place, I shine a little brighter and feel a lot better. I'm on a healing path, I'm healing in the breaths I take, in the clicks of my computer keyboard and in this I am finding safety. I've began writing in to this healing space. And on my birthday made the connection that today is a rebirth of my journey. That all the work I've done, all the pieces I've integrated and all the parts I've begun healing, travel forward with me.

A New Healing Layer

There is something missing in the words I wrote earlier this week. A piece of my journey that was hidden, even from all of me, until I was ready to see its truth and was willing to be vulnerable into the space. And if I were not to write or blog in to this, I would be ignoring the beautiful lessons that came forward and the embrace of a new layer of healing. 

I've felt my journey leading me into approaching a new layer of healing, preparing me to go into a deeper level. I began noticing it in July and trusted that when I was ready I'd start receiving more signs. Introspection and a sense of cocooning became consuming and I knew at some point what was will need to fall away, in order for what will be to become what is. I'd need to recommit to my healing journey, deeper and with more trust than ever before. To reconnect with my intentions and that I'd begin to see why I’m taking the time and putting forth the energy to heal. I'd need to let go of certainty and trying to predict outcomes. And that my heroine (also known as the ego) would need to take a supporting role, rather than the lead. 

I couldn't articulate that when I first noticed it, it has taken months of writing, conversations, halts and prayer to acknowledge that I am working at a much deeper level than I'd ever been and all parts of me need time to embrace or fight to survive in this new layer. It’s an odd place to be - the limbo between all that has been - which seems long since forgotten and all that will be - which seems just out of arms reach. And somewhere in the middle, I sat, contemplating, trying to figure out what I really wanted. What was going on and why I was having such a hard time with this phase of my healing. 

I kept asking for signs from the universe about the next steps, hoping I’d be able to predict what was next, so that I could find safety. Once I began asking, I received many signs. The thing is I didn't think they were big enough and the part of me that was trying to resist this new layer, had me doubting that they were even real. So I'd disregarded them and then go, "hey, wait a second, where's my sign?!?"

Cocooned into the wants I have for my life and purpose, while old patterns and old self-identifies were fighting for survival. I struggled with the willingness to travel into the darkness to see the truth. I was trying to honor the new layer, while let go of the old patterns. And somewhere in the middle, I felt stuck.

 

The 2 Weeks

 

Somewhere between my 1 year anniversary and my birthday the idea of, "no one would know if I ate this or felt this way about that," crawled forward and rather than follow my intuition, I gave in. I didn't confess this to Dr. Margaret or even let my best cleanse friend know - both of whom I'd previously trusted with so much, especially around food. I see now that I couldn't have been honest with them, because I wasn't able to be honest with myself. My closet eating habits pulled me in and I found comfort at first and then shame. Food and eating wasn't giving me the same feelings I used to get, I was feeling bloated, though mostly, any emotion I had tried to stuff down didn't get stuffed down and I added guilt on top of that. Who was I really hurting in this? It wasn’t Dr. Margaret, or you, my family, friends and supporters. No, it was me and me alone.

So while all of this was going on, I kept asking for more signs, trying to sort through and write into that which was affecting me and my actions. And as time progressed, the signs grew larger in size.

When my husband and I travel, we like to experience new places and enjoy new food. Though, since I began my dietary changes, it has become less enjoyable and I feel much better if I know everything that is in the meal. For my birthday, we headed to Bayfield, WI and on the way, stopped in Duluth at Blackwoods (a restaurant that offers gluten-free food). As we were seated and browsed the menu, some options sounded great. Then I got a sign, this time louder than a whisper, my intuition, heart and body said, “Let’s have a supplemental shake tonight.” At first I struggled to accept it, I was here at a restaurant that could make something work for me. This time though I listened and I honored what I really wanted. I had a choice and made it. It wasn’t a “have to” or “should-be”, it was a “want to” and “need to”. It was the start to embracing the new healing layer.  

Wednesday

I weighted myself for the first time in 2 weeks. I’d been avoiding it, knowing that I had been eating too much. So when I got on the scale, the weight increase of 4 pounds reverberated to my soul. For the last year, I’d successfully maintained my weight or transformed at least 1.9 - 2.6 pounds a week. The increase was a physical manifestation that I'd been running from something and that this pattern wasn't working for me, it was working against me and my healthy lifestyle goals.

And just in case that sign wasn't enough, I received a flashing, neon lights, larger than life sign that simply couldn't be ignored. As I attended an offsite professional development meeting with my coworkers, I ordered a meal that was to be gluten-free and dairy-free. I set the little special meal card at my place setting and when the server brought over my food, I felt confident to enjoy the meal. The presentation was great, as well as the networking. As my coworkers and I were leaving, a mere 45 minutes since eating, I noticed that lights were too bright and the right side of my forehead began throbbing.

We made it back downtown and I noticed the pain was increasing. I started talking and noticed that my speech was slightly slurred, my eyesight was starting to blur and the sound of my heals on the granite floor was pounding in my ears. I was having a full on migraine attack - my form of an allergic reaction to gluten. I made it into the comfort of a dark room and thoughts began running through my head. It has been at least 8 months since I've had a migraine (compared to my usual 1-2 a week) and part of me forgot how painful they are. While the other part of me tried to power through it. I began a list in my head of all the things I needed to do, but they were just excuses. Then I felt it, “none of those things matter, you need to take care of yourself.” As tears streamed down my cheeks, I acknowledged this truth.

Somehow I made it back to my desk, rescheduled my meetings, let my boss know I needed to go home and headed home. I knew taking the train to my car was going to be too much, so I took a taxi. I arrived home safely and got sick, everything was expelled from my body. And as I stood in the shower, I felt the pain begin to slowly fade. I crawled in to bed, covered my head and wept. It was all I could do. My body was sending me a sign. And if there had been any shadow of a doubt of how important my dietary choices are, they were gone. I recommitted, stopped wavering and stopped worrying about me eating like a "normal person." I've seen how my body operates when I feel normal. Having a migraine, being sick and curling up is no longer my body's normal. Migraines are signs I’ve eaten gluten or nitrates. Stomach and digestive issues are signs I've eaten dairy. My sensitivities are real and in fact are my body's normal.

A Change In Perspective Came...

For a while (longer than I care to admit) I allowed my choices to be in the hands of others or outside of my ownership. After those sign, I trust that my ability to listen to myself and make the best choice for me is wisdom that I will and do learn from. I need to take care of myself and no one knows what is best for me, besides myself, my higher power, God and my angels. And when I ask for and receive signs, I'm going to do a better job of paying attention. And as I continue to explore and heal, I trust that each piece is meant to bring me closer to a piece of myself that deserves love.

I don’t know where this will lead me. Especially with baking. I enjoy baking gluten-free, dairy-free and refined sugar-free, though I also enjoy baking with traditional ingredients. I just don't eat the traditional ingredient items and for now, when I bake, I do not experience any reactions to the traditional ingredients.

There is no way that I could keep doing this if I wasn’t committed to my healing, but there is a part of me, (maybe my heroine (ego)?) that really doubted why I needed to. The part that brought me into my closet eating habits and pushed the boundaries of my healthy lifestyle choices. And that’s ok, I needed to go through it and I’m sure there will be more opportunities for me to recommit, to really claim and take care of myself. Because through all of this, through the pounds I’ve put on and the pounds I’ve transformed and the healing I've found, I was born to do this. To explore, to heal, to share, to blog and that my experience isn’t just about my relationship with food, it’s about my relationship with myself.

With loving intentions, Jan

"Some people are working on liking themselves well enough to allow healing. 

It can take time for them to achieve sufficient self-love." 

- Echo Bodine