July

My New Year beings in July,

At least since 2011.

It isn't in the fall with my birthday wishes,

Or on New Years Eve with hubby kisses.

Rather, my life, or the examination of what it can be,

Began 3 years ago.

It wasn't what I wanted,

To Hurt  |  Sever  |  End.

And if I could have done it any other way - I would have tried.

But it was, at that time, the only choice I felt I had.

The foundation crumbled

What I thought I was. Who I thought I was. And what my life looked like,

Shifted.

Judgement and Criticism |  Fear and Doubt,

Clouded this decision.

Maybe because there was a more loving way to set healthy boundaries?

But I didn't know how to do that then.

Maybe because what I needed was to learn how to do that.

How to discover that I am...

Separate from what others

Thought  |  Expected  |  Needed of me.

And when the decision was made,

The dark woods surrounded me.

A light needed to be found.

Trust needed to be created.

My voice needed to be discovered.

I've learned a lot since that warm day in July

Uncovered Truths  |  Patterns  |  Words I say  |  Hurt I throw others way

But what I see, besides the hurt,

Is by doing it the way I have

I've learned how to Have Compassion  |  Return to Prayer  |  Start Healing

Where there was only a little spark, Now I light up.

Where there was only fear, Love has come in.

Where there was black and white absolution, Colors paint outside the line.

Beyond the surface,

Hiding behind Food  |  Body Weight  |  Blame

There was me.

Written 7/1/13 J.L.