It's been 9 days since I began my Treat Yo Self Cleanse and already so much has inspired and excited me to be motivated with this journey.
Throughout my life I've struggled with my weight. I've dieted and exercised. I've made changes, lost weight and found myself later going back to old patterns. I don't even own a scale - the thought of looking at the number used to have so much power to send me into a pattern of anxiety, frustration, guilt and then I'd try to comfort myself... with food?!? It would seem that when things became tough, I would let myself use food to find comfort. It was the most easily accessible and socially acceptable way (or so I thought).
When my husband and I began trying for children 4 years ago and we struggled, my own depression set-in and the ability to find comfort outside of food seemed impossible. And last year when I began setting new boundaries with my mother more weight was put on. And when the scale registered at the largest weight I've ever been, I cried. How did I let it go so far? How was I so unable to make room for healthy changes?
Food was quick and I used it to provide an immediate consolation. How often did I ask myself, "what do you FEEL like eating?" Where the answer was tied with the overwhelming feelings and all I wanted to do was bury them. I would rather do this than spending time acknowledging my feelings, accepting what was going on and finding peace. I would choose food for comfort. Relief from painful emotions (for even just a moment) seemed worth it. And as the food settled, those emotions would resurface and then I'd sprinkle it with guilt. It was a painful and harmful pattern, one that I'm changing.
Food also connects me to people and baking is my creative outlet. I love planning important meals like Thanksgiving and finding new recipes for family to enjoy. Often the food became a shiny star, something I was proud of. And baking, I love to creatively express myself through baked goods. Cake Pops anyone? I love the craftsmanship that goes into creating something so beautiful and tasty that others love it, putting a smile on their face and in my heart.
Maybe the energy I've been putting toward food could be shifted? Perhaps I could find new ways to comfort and love myself if I've had a challenging day? And those emotions - maybe I could spend time processing them, rather than trying to bury them? Maybe food doesn't = connection. While it may be the backdrop of a gathering, any good hostess knows, it's not all about one thing, it's the overall experience. And what about me? Can't I create delicious dishes and get to drool over it myself? Can't the smile I give to others be on my face because of something I made? Can't I give myself shiny stars?
The answer is, YES! And this is where my Treat Yo Self Cleanse comes into play. It's not about what I can't have (even though there are moments that seem to be the only focus), it's about giving myself the things I can have in a beautiful and lovely way.
There is this amazing electric energy and I'm extremely excited about living, loving and choosing what works for the life I want to create.
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