Week 5: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Being a part of the GiveIt100 challenge has been quite rewarding and even though these 10 second videos only begin to touch on all the aspects that are going on in my life, I've truly appreciated what I've seen and the choices I've made. And even if the uncut footage isn't shared publicly, something is happening when I view them for myself.

I've talked about my body transformation, the changes I'm making to eat and enjoy real, beautiful foods and how my dining room table has become a sacred space. Connecting with others and with myself, remains at the heart of this nourishment. Exploring why I over think and calculate my actions is an old pattern, one I'm fairly certain I no longer need. Though how do I honor it, see the gift and beauty and continue to move forward in my life?

I'm paying attention to my intuition, allowing it to guide me with what I share publicly. Sometimes I hold it in, sometimes I release it and sometimes I let it just be. What I haven't talked about, are the pieces that are stepping forward about the relationship with my mother, my ability to mother myself and my own desire to become a mother. I wondered this morning: what if it isn't painful for me to hear others celebrating the creation of new life? What if I support them on their journey and support my emotions too? And what if I trust that what I'm doing is leading me to a space where I can receive anything that comes my way (with or without a child). And that forgiveness and self-compassion will allow a transformation to occur in all of these relationships. 

Last week I found myself in a valley of my journey, digging in to discover the roots of many pieces and as I reached out for support, I received this message from my holistic nutrition counselor, Maggie and I wanted to share.

"Emotions are just feelings in the body that want to be expressed.

You don't have to 'do' anything with them.

Just allow them to be there and notice the sensation in your body.

You don't need to 'think' about the feeling.

See if you can make peace with the feeling.

Suffering happens when you go to war with the feeling and think it shouldn't be there.

I know it can feel scary, but just breathe and allow the sensation of the emotion in your body." 

With Love, Jan

Week 4: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

Here's a compilation of my videos:

Opportunity for Self-Compassion

Friday

I celebrated and honored my 18 month anniversary with my food changes by updating my profile picture on Facebook to this. So many great people sent support and love my way and I reminded myself that these comments are mirrors I can look at when I'm feeling less compassionate with myself.

Yesterday

It's been 18 months since I began choosing to avoid (gluten, dairy, refined sugar, highly processed foods) and since then, they just haven't been in the house. Even as my husband makes more traditional food choices, he remains one of my number one supporters on my journey. He's been in the battlefield with me (sometimes by choice and sometimes because it's all you can do when you live with someone else.) He's played witness to my transformation and has truly been here, along side of me, encouraging and supporting me.

So a few weeks ago when I began seeing Maggie, my holistic nutrition counselor, I let him know, "I'm prepared for things (the way I eat, how I process foods and how I nourish myself) to change again around here." He was of course fully supportive. And even as I've been making salads, adding Nori seaweed, he's added them to his also. He's also been supportive of eating at the dining room table.

Though yesterday something happened as I came home to fill my fridge full of beautiful greens & veggies to batch cook today. As I began loving placing all the nourishing foods away, I noticed he went shopping too. In the cupboard: mac & cheese, in the pantry: ripple potato chips and in fridge: top the tator. And I froze.

I've grown used to seeing these foods in the "real world" and passing them by without a second thought. Though there was something about them being here, in my home, that brought forward a very real fear & I thought, "What's to stop me from eating all of those things? I'm home, no one would see and no one would need to know." 

My husband thought he did something wrong, though it wasn't him or even the foods. It was something inside of me, that had me feeling this way and thinking these thoughts. A good cry allowed for release, though I felt unmotivated to do anything else. I wanted to honor what was going on and ignore it, all at the same time, realizing both can exist next to each other. And while the thought of food came in as a self-soother, I choose to catch up on episodes of The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon (laughter = self-soothing and allowed for space). And after 5 hours (a considerably shorter time frame than it has previously been), I recognized that this was an OPPORTUNITY FOR SELF-COMPASSION.

This Morning

I still feel it, though maybe now, I'm actually FEELING it. So before I get into the kitchen to become a Fearless Food Prepper, because I want to cook with love, I'm sharing this vulnerable piece, going out for a walk and making a choice to nourish myself in another way.

With Love, Jan

Week 3: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

I'm going to let my Vlog do the talking. And even though I may have posted less blogs, my journey, the GiveIt100 daily - 10 second video postings and my journaling are speaking loudly and passionately. This week, I'm including a vlog, along with my 7 - 10 second videos of the past week.

Here's a compilation of my videos, along with a vlog about my 3 week experience:

With Love, Jan

Week 2: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

This week I shared one of my most vulnerable moments, the fear that arises when I talk about my relationship with food. In doing so, I found myself camera shy for a few days, though I didn't realize that at the time. I journeyed inward to support this and in a moment of release recognized that this is all part of the journey. Reclaiming my choice to be in front of the camera and share my journey was liberating and reminded me of the continuous cycle of life. I was only a week and a half into the project and somewhere an idea to STOP came in. This is why I am doing my GiveIt100 project, allowing me to share in the moment, to be present with the piece of me that wants to shine or shy away and to love the journey.

Here's a compilation of Week 2!

With Love, Jan

Week 1: 100 Day Journey of Nourishment

In the last week I've posted 7, 10 second videos on GiveIt100.com, a new online platform for people who want to achieve something in their lives by sharing videos and offering support to others.

Here's a compilation of my videos:

One might ask why I'm doing this and I'll be it, sometimes I even wonder. And I'll allow for a space of the unknown to exist, there is something I'm certain of,  I'm pouring myself into this experience. Finding willingness, opportunities for growth and even forgiveness to become companions to me on my journey. 

For many years I've been more intentional about being a better friend; to provide empathy, support and even laughter, connecting with so many beautiful people. And while I've been healing old patterns and being offered second chances with relationships that were once tramped on, I realized that there was one relationship I wasn't being intentional with. I wondered if I could offer the same shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to and even a companion to laugh with, to myself. If I could find a way to be more loving, more open and truly empathetic to the pieces where I breathe most deeply and pause. 

My Day 2 video struck me the most. How easily I became discouraged at a .4+ weight gain. And even as others sent their support, me, inside of myself needed to discover this. So I sat beside myself and in the best way I could allowed for the waves of love to come in and support this piece.

Turns out, watching these videos has indeed offered me a way to begin practicing being a friend, to myself.

With Love, Jan

Space for Meditation

One thing became clear to me (well, actually there were quite a few, though this is the one I'll share now) as I sat across from my Life Coach, Jasna: making space for meditation is important to me. And while my husband and I have talked about finding a space in our 1950's home for months, today, I took action and created this space in less than an hour. Amazed at how quickly and easily something can come together when the time is right. One of our bedrooms has a large closet. The doors were removed pretty much when we moved in to help make the room seem bigger. And as it turns out, both my husband and I have a lot of clothes, so he has his own closet and I get this one.

This evening I took the time to create the space I wanted with comfort and soft lighting. I moved things around which I found quite easy to do and added things into the space. Candles, lavender, my vision boards, my daily intention practice and my angel cards all found a new loving home in this space.

This is the video I posted on my giveit100.com project: The 100 Day Journey of Nourishment. Speaking of which, I'm on day 6 and to support my journey, I'll share a compilation of the week's worth of 10 second videos each Tuesday and share on here.

While posting on giveit100.com will remain a constant, there are a few things that are transforming already. One includes shifting the energy I put into blogging, into meditating daily.

I loved blogging for 15 days and even on the days I didn't want to, I remained committed to my journey and in turn found beautiful truth pour forward. And with the same love and intention, for the next two weeks, I'm pouring my energies into making time to build my foundation of support in my meditative space.

With Love, Jan

A Little Story

The Sanctuary

There once was a little girl who lived in a little house. Inside the house was a place she liked to hide. Naturally this was a favorite hide and seek place, though there was something even more special about the darkness, it was where things could just be. Her dolls made their homes there and when it was time to play, laughter and conversation came from underneath the table in the corner of the basement. 

Underneath the heavy table that stayed in the house years later when the family moved and in the shadows of a white table linen with blue and orange stripes, this little girl found something else. This space was safe for her to run and hide here too. And when the outside world would became too much and all the emotions and energies she picked up on were flashing brightly, she needed a place for her. And so, the table in the corner became her sanctuary. 

Everyone in the house knew this was hers and respected the privacy a 5 year old girl needed. Though no one knew what she did under there. In some attempt to process what she didn't understand, sometimes, she'd sneak food under the table with her. A sugary treat would accompany the solitude and for a brief moment there was silence in her world. Nothing needed to be fixed or expressed or even thought about, it was just her, the darkness and food. 

She did another thing under the table. This was where she'd run and hide to hold it all in. And by, it all, I mean everything. Processing emotions was challenging enough, let alone releasing no longer needed nutrients her body produced. And in a way to control something she could, she'd sit under the table and hold it in. Upset tummies always followed and finally when it hurt bad enough and she had to let it go, there was this release of built up pain, but at that time, it didn't feel quite right and so the pattern repeated. 

Returning to the Table

Last week as I was preparing for my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, an opportunity came for me to see her (the little 5 year old me), to see the patterns and begin healing. Journeying back to the hiding place of my youth, I saw this was where I had made choices of ways to cope with my emotions and spiritual gifts. That I'd choose to stuff things down and hold things in, rather than express and share them with the world. It was where I hid from the world, because I didn't know it was safe to share. It's vulnerable to admit, even into my adulthood (and I'll be it, sometimes even today) when something becomes too much, this is where I've wanted to run and hide. 

Though last week when I looked at the 4 mini loaves of gluten & dairy free banana bread I made, I proclaimed loudly, "I want to eat all of them." 

Rather than eating them, with tear stained cheeks, the comfort of my bed and safety of my husband's hand, I explored where this response was coming from. I saw, for the first time, how important this table and this little girl were to my life and my healing. So rather than punish the thoughts of eating or running away to hide, I acknowledged them. 

There is much for me to learn and release, to no longer run under the table or to hold it all in. To find the most authentic way to express myself, share my natural talents and choose ways of nourishing myself with things other than food. Reminding myself, with gentle honesty, there is beauty in my expression and spiritual gifts. Making the choice to allow them to shine and choosing to no longer hide under a table is a place I can begin. 

My Relationship With Food

As I've been exploring my relationship with food, I understood how enmeshed it was with my emotions and old patterns. That true healing would begin when I started acknowledging my feelings and memories, one might say this has been my secret to success. And while the removal of gluten and dairy and the addition of supplemental shakes helped transform 100 pounds in a year and a half, it was the healing work that allowed me to continue.

In the last few months, I've stabilized my weight and my awareness of two important factors are requesting acknowledgement. Up until my 1 year anniversary, I avoided refined sugar, corn products, or processed foods in 100% of my food choices, though slowly these have been appearing more and now, in a given week 10% - 20% of the food I consume, includes one of them. And while I'd like to say I didn't punish myself for making those choices, sometimes I did. I also stopped seeing one of my guiding lights on my 100 Pound Lesson and while there are pieces still so tender to the thought, I, at the very least, want to acknowledge this played a role in my stabilization. Because while what I eat is important, how I eat is even more so.

Love, Jan