No Fire Extinguisher Needed - Pt. 1 - Skinny Jeans

A Mini-Series of Blog Posts

    A friend saw me last Friday and our conversation went to this place of love and support, as I was sharing all the things I've taken action on since I last saw them (fyi: the last time I saw them was only 10 days before that). 
    Time flies when you open yourself up to let love in and really feel into what inspires you. It didn't matter that it was snowing outside the end of April or that there were 2 more hours left at work. What did matter was that I was showing up and saying yes. Yes, to doing more. Yes, to creating things I want for my life. Yes, to receiving and sharing love. I am glowing and my heart is flowing with ignited passion, I am on fire for living this life.
    My friend felt how alive I was and said, "No Fire Extinguisher Needed"here. They were honoring the ignited fire I was displaying by living a life with purpose and love. There was simply no cause for alarm and no need to put this fire out - it is beautiful.
    This conversation sparked the desire to blog about each wonderful thing, but each topic is so rich it deserves its own blog post. To honor this, I will be posting 3 parts of the "No Fire Extinguisher Needed" mini-series. While each are separate topics, they are interconnected by One.Main.Ingredient...Love. 

Part 1

    The celebration of my body transformation and how by reaching my goal and wearing my Skinny Jeans opened my life to really celebrate with joy and confidence. Look for more posts yet in the month of April, things are really happening and I am thrilled to share it all.

Rockin' The Skinny Jeans

    Last week I blogged about reaching my goal of 230 and celebrating by purchasing my first pair of Skinny Jeans. But something happened over the next few days, while my heart was thrilled, my ego had me doubting that I could actually wear them. "You don't deserve to wear them." "What will others think?" It was a bunch of words that were hurting my self-esteem and acting more like a punishment, than a reward. 
    I sat with this frustration of wanting to do something and seeing the wall that was stopping me. This isn't the first time I'd been there. So on Tuesday, I compromised and appeased the ego and wore a pair of pants that by 9 am were too bagging and made me sad, "Why didn't I just wear the Skinny Jeans?" I let myself find a breath on Wednesday, console my fearful ego and remind my heart soon, it will shine!

    Thursday was the day, I was filled with excitement and nerves. It felt like the day I got married and I found a way to support myself. By 10 am I was feeling confident and celebrated that I "Rocked The Bod" and wore my Skinny Jeans. Oh and those cheerleaders in my life who said "you look great," thank you!
    As you can tell, I am happy, proud, thrilled, overjoyed, thankful and confident (I warn this may be contagious). Externally it was important to feel comfortable and internally I needed to heal.  
    Reaching this goal was huge and now that I'm here - celebrate it. But we tend to do down play the positive, shuffle our feelings or actions to the side because "how can this be so important?" Well, this was and it was essential to honor the whole process.  
    Wearing the Skinny Jeans was important, but there was something more to it. It was being able to support myself through a few moments of doubt and rather than just pushing myself past the fear and dismissing it, or eating away from it, I felt in to it. I validated the presence of this emotion in my life. I realized how by choosing fear, I was stopping myself from doing something I really loved and wanted to let in. Having these moments of frustration and letting myself recognize that was what it was, helped me get to this point where my whole self can sparkle and shine, not just the Skinny Jeans or my goal,  but me. So here I am living passionately, learning to love myself and letting myself glow with this fire. 

Skinny Jeans

7 Months Ago

     My body weighed 300 pounds and I wore a size 28. I had health issues, low self-esteem and was disconnected from living my life's purpose. I didn't shop for clothes to honor my curves; I bought them to hide in.

    I don't know when the exact moment came that I began reclaiming my journey. But what I do know is that I made a choice and began listening to my heart. Working with Dr. Margaret Mitchell allowed me to finally accept support and on September 21, 2012, I began transforming what I eat, how I eat and I took the chance and dove into the depths of my relationship with food. Creating the O.M.I. Life has allowed me to do what I never thought possible.
    By remaining dedicated to eating O.M.I. Foods to Love, I have found new favorite dishes and baking gluten-free, dairy-free and refined-sugar free has been so much fun to explore. I still like baking with "traditional ingredients" I just don't eat them.
    I stopped making excuses for emotional eating and started eating from my heart. What foods will REALLY make me happy? Rather than eating, what do I need to heal? I stopped thinking I couldn’t do this or that or the other thing and started doing more. And even though I need to continue to read labels, ask for accommodations and stay in check with it all - I feel better. There wasn’t a miracle pill and it wasn’t just diet and exercise (Yoga Booty Ballet) that has helped me transform 68 pounds away. And yes, this journey has been frustrating and doubt has crept in thinking I couldn't do this. Yes, I have been concerned about what I would eat and how I would handle the emotional pains that came up if I didn't have food to comfort it. Yes, I still have challenges. But I kept at it, I kept accepting support, sharing my story and once I stopped making excuses, started showing up and committing to the choices I was making I noticed how my body felt and how I felt in my body. There has been something about the work, the emotional ups and downs, the realness of this journey and that by really showing up I've been able to really transform this body, heart and soul.

When the Heart Calls

   Being a creative person, it isn't unusual for me to have so many works of love going on that I seem to run out of time in the day to celebrate them all. I've grown used to my heart and know that sometimes what ignites my passion today, may be different tomorrow. So when the idea to celebrate my body transformation with a mini-goal, “when I weigh 230 pounds, I will get my first pair of Skinny Jeans,” I paused. My mind has continued to be my harshest critic and doubted I could reach this goal. Fortunately, my heart kept holding on, reminding me of how important this was and as my body kept transforming, my mind jumped on board.

My Best Cleanse Friend

    With the mini-goal in mind, I soon found myself approaching the goal with ease. I told one or two people about it and a few months later I had a dream where my best cleanse friend and I went shopping for my first pair of skinny jeans and had a wonderful time. I woke up knowing I could really do this and that this friend would be instrumental in helping me reach that goal. 

    I've truly loved the support so many of you have sent my way - thank you! But there has been something different with my best cleanse friend. I let her in and allowed her to see my vulnerable, fragile self and the ego that was desperately holding onto the "Food As Comfort" motto. And through it all, she has let me know my thoughts and feelings were ok. But what I have appreciated most, was her honesty. She was able to help me navigate through dark moments and it was because of this truthfulness I was able to reestablish my intention with my lifestyle change. I remember texting her 20 days into my cleanse when my emotions were raw and the "Food for Comfort" motto was still such an immediate response to compensate for them.

Me: "Remind me why I don't want Culver's? I'm coming up with lots of reasons why I should go get it. Had a tough day."

  Best Cleanse Friend: "Because your body doesn't need it. Your emotions do. But your emotions want release, not food. So what else can you do? 

Me: "Journal. Cuddle with the Kitties. Hug the Hubby."

 Best Cleanse Friend: "And you've come SO FAR, are you going to let one bad day get in the way of your 20 good days?"

Me: "I felt like a failure at work today."

Best Cleanse Friend: "Bad days happen. It's how you let them impact you. Nourish your soul with positivity and take the lessons from today guide you towards improvement not giving up.  

I shopped, I laughed, I bought my first pair of Skinny Jeans.

    This conversation and many others helped me reach this mini-goal. My hope is that anyone who wants to make real changes in their lives can have someone who can be both supportive and honest with you. 
    So last month when I set the date: April 13, 2013 for the Skinny Jean Shopping Trip she was supportive and was looking forward to celebrating with me. I weighed myself the morning of our shopping trip and I was at 231.8 pounds (rather than 230) a number I am still so very proud. 
    It had also been a long time since I had gone shopping with a girlfriend and this shopping trip lived up to the loveliness of my dream. It was more than just a celebration of the mini-goal accomplishment or buying a pair of skinny jeans, it was a celebration of friendship and support.

    I was certainly glad to have my best cleanse friend there, because when I had started trying on the pants I grabbed a 22. This was the size "I thought I was", but skinny jeans are more form fitting and as the sales associate kept bringing me smaller and smaller sizes I was in disbelief. Was this really happening? Was my body able to fit into a pair of pants that were 7 pant sizes down from my starting point at a size 28? As it turns out, yes, yes it is. So, thank you Torrid for bringing the Stiletto Ankle Zip skinny jeans into my life at a size 16 and thank you my best cleanse friend for being there to support me through it all!

The Waves of Infertility

My Heart Children

    Time often passes where I don't even think about my journey with infertility or that my body isn't able to create a human life right now. It is as if the many things I have created (Inspiring Happiness Project, O.M.I. Life, Body Transformation, and my Baking Blog) have filled my life with a glow of purpose.  
    It is true that these seeds of inspiration were planted in my soul and with nourishment they grew and one day, when the time was right, I labored through delivery and brought them into the world. Anyone who has ever created something with every fiber of their being knows how awakened, rejuvenated, and alive you feel. Labors of love are like that and my creations have become my Heart Children, my family. They are parts of me that are growing, wanting space in this world to be loved, cherished and given the chance to blossom.
    I am proud of my Heart Children. Amazed at how these little seeds have grown with beauty and have allowed me to reclaim my voice. I want to be a good parent, to stand beside my children proudly, support them when they grieve and let them become what they were meant to be. My hope is that these creations of my soul inspire others to reach inside and create their heart's desire. 

The Infertility Space

    But then sometimes, the Desire  |  Idea  |  Obsession comes to me and my Heart Children cannot fill the empty space (nor could they, nor do I want them to) because the truth is, these children weren’t created to fill this space; they were created to make space. Nevertheless, when I open to this empty space, it surprises me and I feel the waves crashing over me. 

    I feel the desire for my husband and I to create something together. To feel my body transform as our child grows inside of me. For me to welcome our child into the world and to hold that precious one in my arms.  

    Then another crash of the waves come and I feel my desire to get as far away from this vast feeling space. I feel it every time someone shares their announcement of creation.  
    I feel it in my stomach, as my frustration rises and disappointment sets in.

    But today, in this moment I did something different, I gave myself permission to feel it all, to feel the vastness. Between the past, present and future. The feeling of nothing and of everything. Between taking action and standing still. The space between the breaths. Between the dreams that come when I wake and the life that happens when I sleep. All held in the intangible space; nameless, shapeless, without a beginning or an end. That it was the living, not the dying of ideas that stay here. 
    And I thought, maybe I don’t have to fill the empty space? And maybe I don't actually want to? Maybe, instead I want to let the waves come to me, rather than drown me. I want the beauty and honesty, after all that is what this space is. It isn’t something my mind can fabricate a story about. It isn’t a physical place I can visit, even if I wanted to. It follows me when I wake, it waits for me to see it, to feel it, to jump in and be willing. It’s the leap of faith, the unknowing knowing, the real dream, the dreamt life, it is everything and nothing and it lives here, in me.

What It Feels Like

    Since I no longer want anyone to take away my feelings (not anymore, not like I used to), my hope is that you can open your heart to respect that my journey with infertility can sometimes feel like someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one. And while I haven’t physically lost a baby, the idea of not having a healthy pregnancy and baby feels just as deep and real. .

     So for my friends and family who are expecting, understand that when you share your news, I feel this wave crash over and around me. Please do continue to celebrate and share, this is a wonderful time for you, just be gentle with my heart, because I may just pause for a moment. 
    Please understand this isn’t a reflection on you or the precious one you've created. This is me, taking a breath, trying to stay above the water and feeling into this vast part of myself. Please know that I am happy that this little one will come into the world and grow in your capable and loving hearts and homes.  And at the same time I feeling a wave of emotions.
    For my dear friends that also experienced infertility and now find your body creating life, I celebrate with you, just remember you were once where I was and I still need time.  

    And to those who are experiencing infertility or have experienced child loss. While I know we each have had our own experiences and the depths we each have gone to in grieving vary. But for you, the one thing I encourage you to do is talk about it. I kept it bottled up inside for so long, felt so alone and ashamed. I didn't think people would want to hear about my sadness. But as it turns out, it wasn't the sadness that people respond to, it is the truth in my experiences and that by showing up, I honor the part of me that wants to have a baby and the part of me that never may.