The 1st 2015 Blog Post

It's Been A While

During the flurry of the holiday season, I felt an overwhelming amount of my own emotional space. Though an experience happened that had I not taken notice, I would have missed out on the gifts. In the subtle beauty, the experience brought forward introspection worthy of being the first blog of 2015 and the first blog post in months.

My Soul Sisters' Birthday

It felt like a regular day to me, though for her, it was a very special day. She was honoring the date of her birth and unfortunately, this very special day, slid past my awareness. My own 'tunnel vision' was holding me in a space where I couldn't see beyond. Now, it wasn't as though I committed a crime and I know I've experienced my fair share of belated birthday wishes, though that wasn't the issue. The heart of the matter left me unsettled and I chose to ask, "what can I learn from this?"

What Am I Focusing On?

Turns out I was missing other moments of pure beauty because of where my focus was. Rather than seeing the abundance, I saw the lack. Rather than experience the gratitude of the present moments, I was experiencing pain from the past or anxiety of the future and I was suffering. It was so evident, that I just assumed it was the only way I could show up to my life. I couldn't see beyond myself or the circumstances to a place of awareness, wisdom and clarity.

Within a few days, the settling (or unsettling) rocked me gently and answers surfaced. I saw the situation for what it was and made choices to stop ignoring the negative feelings. I felt beyond them and became willing to make choices from a space of awareness. First on the list was to wish a belated birthday to my soul sister and genuinely apologize for the lapse of time. In the graciousness of our connection, both were received with care. It's worth noting that, in the past I would have overcompensated with apologies. As it turned out, just one meant more than numerous apologies ever could. I also would have remained upset with myself and carried the weight around until I felt the punishment was over. Though this time, I found self-compassion and that was a gift.

Wake Up

This missed birthday was the catalyst for me to wake up from my own personal holiday flurry to the rest of my life. To once again honor the connections most cherished in my world. By being willing to ask,"what can I learn from this experience?" and listen for the answers, an opportunity for growth occurred.

There is so much life to experience and I wasn't focusing my energy within the space of abundance. It was as if I'd been driving a vehicle with a windshield covered with debris, that I couldn't possibly see beyond it. Though in the willingness to learn, the debris was cleared.

While I cannot control what happens in the external world, what I can do is approach my feelings and thoughts with compassion and care. Make choices to focus on the abundance, rather than lack and to continue clearing away the debris to journey forward.

2015 Vision Board

With this new focus and a relief from the tunnel vision of suffering, something shifted. I learned a lesson and discovered that the more often I shift the focus of my life to abundance, I find it. This is something I'm actively engaging in and am enthusiastic to continue to experience the beauty of life.

In the momentum of focus shifting, I share my 2015 Vision Board. Resolutions aren't my thing, so for the past three years I've created a vision board and selected a word for the year. My intention for 2015 is: Love, because I choose love to surround me. 

Love for myself and my self worth. 

Love for my continued journey of growth and discovery. 

Love for the amazing connections to friends and family who inspire, care and challenge me to live my full potential as a joyous and productive person. 

And love for discovering new connections and experiences that are nourishing, inspiring and authentic.

Vision Board 2015:
"I am a woman on a mission to claim my birthright."

Vision Board 2015:
Vitality, Energy, Optimism, Enthusiasm, Confidence, Connection, Hope and Love

Vision Board 2015:
The Be's

Vision Board 2015:
Love at the center and surrounding it all

Vision Board 2015:
Be Bright, Be Beautiful, Be Bountiful, Be Blissful, Be Loved!

What intentions have you set?
Is there a word that can surround the life experiences you want to create this year?

Check out my 2014 Vision Board where The Year of Support held true as my intention for the year.

With Love, Jan

My Improv Birthday & First Recital

Last month I wrote about my first few weeks with my intermediate improv class at Stevie Ray's. And there was a part of me that thought I was going to give in and give up and yet I stuck with it. Not because of the money or my pride, no, there was a deeper reason, I just needed to remember it.

There were a series of events that lead me to fall in love with improv and as I approached my 32nd birthday, I knew how I wanted to celebrate: An Improv Birthday Party.

Invitations were created by a beautiful blonde bombshell I know, who not only took ideas I had to create something so amazing, she also applied her quick wit to add lines like, "RSVP to sit at the cool kid table." I envisioned myself surrounded by friends and family, laughing until the muscles in our cheeks hurt. So yes, my 32nd birthday was laughed in with love.

Best part, I got to get up on stage with one my favorite people: Carl! He was my first instructor and because of his belief in me and willingness to laugh (even when it wasn't that funny) really allowed me to go forward and shine. So to be on stage with a full house, tables of cool kids and perform with Carl, it was like Christmas!

Intermediate Improv Recital

I was nervous! Yes, I get butterflies too. Though as the 16 of us improv students huddled in the green room, I set an intention: Have fun and put out love. The 60 minutes of showtime flew and being able to hear a room filled with laughter is uplifting and loving.

I'm grateful for the joy in which I feel while on the stage and in the classroom.

Be In It

In the last 2 weeks the universe asked me to navigate with the highs and lows, the peaks and the valleys, the darkness and the light and to be present to the beauty of my life.

I celebrated my 32nd birthday and received cards, gifts and birthday wishes from family and friends. Surrounded myself with laughter at Stevie Ray's Comedy Cabaret for my improv birthday party. Captured natures change from greens into golden and red hues. And I did this all, while I was on a trip.

The Trip

A week before my birthday, a connection with inner wisdom let me know the trip was about to begin. My ticket already scanned, baggage handled and the only thing I could do was hold on, because it just might be a bumpy ride. I found myself protesting the inevitability of lesson learning and with arms crossed and a ferocious stubbornness, I exclaimed, "I don't want to go." For I knew the destination, knew the mode of transportation wouldn't be via plane, train or automobile, but what I didn't know (and that unknown scared me the most) was what would happen when I got there.

The journey flew me inward, (though to say it "flew me", is being kind, it felt more like I landed with a thud.) Placed smack dab in the middle of the light less cave I've come to identify with as "a place I learn from". A place where pain, loneliness and fear reside. Where old patterns are familiar and standing still is common. And as much as I resisted, the longer I found myself stuck. And even in my spitefulness, I knew something valuable was to be learned. That I'd discover a piece essential for me to continue to move forward, as well as a piece for me to release with love. Thing is, I just didn't know if I actually wanted to do the work.

The Work

It was emotionally triggering to find myself back in that space. Though this time, I was going to try something different. I was going to allow it to be what it was, to meet it where it is and support myself where I was at. To really be in it, beside it and with it, all while finding a healthy space between who I truly am and what the old patterns were. To accept the journey, release resistance and stay connected with compassion. My constant avoidance hadn't worked in the past and I knew it wouldn't work this time either. It felt liberating and so amazingly scary to give it a try, I didn't know how it would turn out.

There were occasions of tear stained cheeks, (honestly, I think I've cried more in the last 2 weeks, than I had in a year.) Times when anger overshadowed compassion and I lashed out. Moments when my heart ached so deeply, I just wanted to be surrounded by people I loved. Questions unfolded before me as windows of light began shining in through the walls of the cave. How do I see the old patterns for what they are, and even more lovingly as a gift and a teacher? How do I trust that the sun is there, even though I cannot see it beyond the clouds? And how do I support myself as I navigate deeply? 

It felt clumsy and awkward and I often found myself bumped up against my old pattern of avoidance. Awoken at a whole new level, my struggles were around thinking I "couldn't do it," "nothing will change," and "it's hard work."  There were times it really felt that way, heavy and dark and it was a lot of work. So I desired distractions, though strangely enough many of the distractions fell away. (Yet another sign to really "be in it.")

Other thoughts crept in, "I could eat to stuff this down," "I could shop my way around this," and "I could pretend it doesn't exist." And while there were a few navigational tools I used to numb out (Television. Social media. Sleep.) I also brought in tools that I am proud of. Reaching out to my support network, allowing loving souls to see me at my most vulnerable. Pouring love into needlecrafts. Sitting next to the river for reflection. Gazing off into the sky for introspection. Writing for release. And being beside myself with as much care, self-compassion and nurturing I could muster.

The piece that I am the most proud of: I made food choices that were nourishing, fulfilling and portioned for my loving tummy. While the thought may have been there to stuff down my emotions, I made choices that supported the way I want to feel, rather than what I don't want to feel. Feeling better, alive and engaged, those are present when food provides me nourishment and doesn't serve as a coping mechanism.

Always Learning

I did all of those things and it's not that today "I'm done" with the processing of the layers or that when I find myself emotionally triggered, that I won't soon find my bags packed headed back to the cave to stand still. It's just that today, there is clarity. A veil lifted, compassion surrounded and the acknowledgement that while at times I felt minuscule, unworthy, at my personal worst; beyond that, bigger than me, there was a loving space of trust, compassion and nurturing care.

Where I am at, what I'm doing and how I navigate is filled with all the pieces of a life lived with intention. Life is about all of it, so let the fun and fabulous moments replenish and nourish the soul and allow the beautifully vulnerable moments of heart holding anchor in to connect with the most sacred space of life living.

"Be patient and present. 

Allow the tears to release and cleanse what cannot be spoken. 

Know that by being beside it, you are making space for it."

Whispered inner wisdom.

With Love, Jan

Life Takes Time

From a thought, an idea, to action

Moments where your heart knows where it's going

And your head is catching up

Time is a funny thing

It tracks a measurement of our lives

Even I celebrate birthdays and anniversarys with glee

Though does this mean it's the only way to measure life?

I think of Rent, of The Seasons of Love

The five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes

Life is more than that, it must be

So why is it in the time before a vacation begins

Time drips slow like honey?

And then while on said vacation

Time slips like sand through the fingers? 

And a day after my 2 year anniversary

Or my "Birth"day, as a dear friend suggested

Time spent reflecting on Lost Lake

I read a letter I'd written to myself a year ago

Some of what I wanted then, is the same

And many of the things have transformed

The written words poured with authenticty

And yet, where I am today,

365 days later,

I feel different, I am different

And the only certainty I have as I look back is this:

Life Takes Time

There were times

When moments dragged on

Where absolution was desired

And the only console was to honor the feelings

Rather than run

(Though, I'll be honest, sometimes I chose to run)

It's taken time for me to understand and appreciate what nourishes me

To nuruture my emotions and support the part of me that desires to run

And to trust myself to stand beside her, letting her know, it's ok.

It's taken time for me to integrate beautiful foods into my life

To make time for batch cooking on Sundays

Filling my fridge with nutrious foods

And actually say, "I Love To Cook!"

It's taken time for my body to adjust to my transformation.

For the weight that was once needed for protection

To be released with love

And it's taken time as I explore deep layers

Honor all that steps forward

And trust, even if it feels like a single tendril to Heaven

That each experience is for my souls growth.

There have been times lived in the moment

Both measured and the intangible

Times spent afraid and in the dark
And the beauty of gratitude in the light

With the only resolution, being there is no absolution

Life Takes Time

With Love, Jan

The Upcoming Anniversary

Before work world calls me back

Words pour out my finger tips

It's been 2 years on Sunday

An anniversary of...

Life, body, healing
Transformation

September 21, 2012
The day I recognized and seized the moment that transformed my life forever

While "everything" didn't change, so very many things did

How many moons I've seen

And sunrises experienced since that day

Minutes of time pass, leading into days and weeks
Finding it now to be months and years

How often I thought "I'd never make it" to the next day
Not holding strong, barely holding on
Some days met with ease
Others where I really had to spend time to see

 

Stepping into uncharted territory

The navigation set before me

And yet, I didn't know where I was going
No outcome was predictable in that present vantage point

Trust of radical space
And yet I leaped in

There were lights shining the way

Though only a few feet in front

Enough to feel safe

Yet not enough to know where I'd end up

I still find myself trying to see beyond

To see past the light, where the shadow lies

Though it simply isn't possible

 

Place a wish in a jar

A kiss on a star

Connect to the Universe
The "something bigger than me"
Where gratitude and grace reside

On that day
My life could no longer be lived in an ordinary way
Not any more

Trust remains at the heart of my exploratory journey

To be in trust

With trust

And appreciate when trust surrounds a connection

 

I think of my Grandma E

How her poetry and journals now sit on my dining room table

And in her memory, I share two of the poems she wrote

Janet 1

Janet, your grandmother sends you love

You are truly a gift from heaven above

On October 5, 1982, you were born

At 1:17 in the wee hours of the morn

Janet 2

I'm quite lonesome for lively little Janet

I see her clearly in the eye of my mind

Questioning forehead, questioning eyes

Active legs, active arms

She smiles and everybody is charmed

Sweet baby smell, I sniff

Thank you for her, a blessed gift.

With Love, Jan