A Little Story

The Sanctuary

There once was a little girl who lived in a little house. Inside the house was a place she liked to hide. Naturally this was a favorite hide and seek place, though there was something even more special about the darkness, it was where things could just be. Her dolls made their homes there and when it was time to play, laughter and conversation came from underneath the table in the corner of the basement. 

Underneath the heavy table that stayed in the house years later when the family moved and in the shadows of a white table linen with blue and orange stripes, this little girl found something else. This space was safe for her to run and hide here too. And when the outside world would became too much and all the emotions and energies she picked up on were flashing brightly, she needed a place for her. And so, the table in the corner became her sanctuary. 

Everyone in the house knew this was hers and respected the privacy a 5 year old girl needed. Though no one knew what she did under there. In some attempt to process what she didn't understand, sometimes, she'd sneak food under the table with her. A sugary treat would accompany the solitude and for a brief moment there was silence in her world. Nothing needed to be fixed or expressed or even thought about, it was just her, the darkness and food. 

She did another thing under the table. This was where she'd run and hide to hold it all in. And by, it all, I mean everything. Processing emotions was challenging enough, let alone releasing no longer needed nutrients her body produced. And in a way to control something she could, she'd sit under the table and hold it in. Upset tummies always followed and finally when it hurt bad enough and she had to let it go, there was this release of built up pain, but at that time, it didn't feel quite right and so the pattern repeated. 

Returning to the Table

Last week as I was preparing for my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, an opportunity came for me to see her (the little 5 year old me), to see the patterns and begin healing. Journeying back to the hiding place of my youth, I saw this was where I had made choices of ways to cope with my emotions and spiritual gifts. That I'd choose to stuff things down and hold things in, rather than express and share them with the world. It was where I hid from the world, because I didn't know it was safe to share. It's vulnerable to admit, even into my adulthood (and I'll be it, sometimes even today) when something becomes too much, this is where I've wanted to run and hide. 

Though last week when I looked at the 4 mini loaves of gluten & dairy free banana bread I made, I proclaimed loudly, "I want to eat all of them." 

Rather than eating them, with tear stained cheeks, the comfort of my bed and safety of my husband's hand, I explored where this response was coming from. I saw, for the first time, how important this table and this little girl were to my life and my healing. So rather than punish the thoughts of eating or running away to hide, I acknowledged them. 

There is much for me to learn and release, to no longer run under the table or to hold it all in. To find the most authentic way to express myself, share my natural talents and choose ways of nourishing myself with things other than food. Reminding myself, with gentle honesty, there is beauty in my expression and spiritual gifts. Making the choice to allow them to shine and choosing to no longer hide under a table is a place I can begin. 

My Relationship With Food

As I've been exploring my relationship with food, I understood how enmeshed it was with my emotions and old patterns. That true healing would begin when I started acknowledging my feelings and memories, one might say this has been my secret to success. And while the removal of gluten and dairy and the addition of supplemental shakes helped transform 100 pounds in a year and a half, it was the healing work that allowed me to continue.

In the last few months, I've stabilized my weight and my awareness of two important factors are requesting acknowledgement. Up until my 1 year anniversary, I avoided refined sugar, corn products, or processed foods in 100% of my food choices, though slowly these have been appearing more and now, in a given week 10% - 20% of the food I consume, includes one of them. And while I'd like to say I didn't punish myself for making those choices, sometimes I did. I also stopped seeing one of my guiding lights on my 100 Pound Lesson and while there are pieces still so tender to the thought, I, at the very least, want to acknowledge this played a role in my stabilization. Because while what I eat is important, how I eat is even more so.

Love, Jan