28 Months

Last Wednesday I honored my 28 month anniversary of my body transformation. With a 130 pounds transformed, choices made to feel better and a willingness to believe in myself and the power of transformation, I truly celebrated this anniversary.

Though something happened before I got to the celebration. I noticed a part of me trying to make my 28 month anniversary ordinary. I suppose I could have agreed, yet that didn't settle with me and I made the choice to find out why.

Perhaps it was the part of me that thought after I reached my 2 year anniversary, the 21st of each month would feel "just like any other day." Though it really doesn't. Nor is there any reason for me to stop honoring this measure of time. If it were not for the bold move I made then, my life transformation wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be here now. So what was really going on?

Behind The Curtain 

I felt the spiral inward, as I moved beyond the thoughts that were trying to minimize the significance of this date, the magnitude of my transformation and the gratitude of this journey. There was a piece of the puzzle that was demanding my attention. Throughout my journey there was something I'd believed to be true. A part of me that no matter how far I got, would hook me back in to a place of discontentment. So I'd struggle, find a new rhythm and keep moving forward, though I never understood why this stop and go pattern occurred, what I could do with it or how it could transform.

The Mental Block

Most recently as I was moving my body at the fitness club, I saw this "truth" come forward in a way I hadn't experienced before. My personal trainer developed a routine for my body movement. With this plan in place, I found myself at the fitness club moving and feeling stronger. A few days into the new routine, I noticed a thought that landed beside me, "great job, Jan! I think you're done."

While I was doing a great job (I'm a big fan of pep talks), I'd been keeping count and knew I wasn't done. I wondered what that little thought was trying to do. "Well, Jan, no one will know if you don't finish your routine." Frozen on the green yoga mat, I recognized this as a mental block. I affirmed that I would indeed be completing the routine and responded back, "No one else may know, but I will." The energy of the mental block lifted, the thought dissipated and Jack Johnson's Sitting, Wishing, Waiting played over the speakers, becoming my work out wake-up song.

How long will I keep sitting until I am ready to move? 

How long will I keep wishing I'd take bold steps forward? 

And when will I stop waiting to be ready? 

Little did I know then, this experience was an opportunity for me to grow even more. As I sat with Maggie at my monthly nutrition appointment, we pulled back the curtain on this mental block. I could feel my breath quicken, heart beat faster and my thoughts race, as I tried to cover up what was nestled underneath. Thankfully, this wasn't my first time sitting with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, so I settled in, took deep breaths and recognized my stop and go pattern, I was afraid and thought I was unworthy.

The Worthiness Factor

Over the course of the last 30 something days, I've been actively engaging in honoring my self worth. It's been an emotional process. A detoxification of the lie that I am unworthy and a reclamation of the truth that I am worthy. With the support of my life coach, I've grown with it, learned from it and continue to do so. Because over the course of the last few years, at the root of the 'stop and go' pattern I was experiencing with movement, both in the fitness club and on my spiritual journey, my worthiness was on the line. And in these two moments in time, I was given the opportunity to see the thoughts for what they were and return to a place of truth, that I am worthy.

With love, Jan

The 1st 2015 Blog Post

It's Been A While

During the flurry of the holiday season, I felt an overwhelming amount of my own emotional space. Though an experience happened that had I not taken notice, I would have missed out on the gifts. In the subtle beauty, the experience brought forward introspection worthy of being the first blog of 2015 and the first blog post in months.

My Soul Sisters' Birthday

It felt like a regular day to me, though for her, it was a very special day. She was honoring the date of her birth and unfortunately, this very special day, slid past my awareness. My own 'tunnel vision' was holding me in a space where I couldn't see beyond. Now, it wasn't as though I committed a crime and I know I've experienced my fair share of belated birthday wishes, though that wasn't the issue. The heart of the matter left me unsettled and I chose to ask, "what can I learn from this?"

What Am I Focusing On?

Turns out I was missing other moments of pure beauty because of where my focus was. Rather than seeing the abundance, I saw the lack. Rather than experience the gratitude of the present moments, I was experiencing pain from the past or anxiety of the future and I was suffering. It was so evident, that I just assumed it was the only way I could show up to my life. I couldn't see beyond myself or the circumstances to a place of awareness, wisdom and clarity.

Within a few days, the settling (or unsettling) rocked me gently and answers surfaced. I saw the situation for what it was and made choices to stop ignoring the negative feelings. I felt beyond them and became willing to make choices from a space of awareness. First on the list was to wish a belated birthday to my soul sister and genuinely apologize for the lapse of time. In the graciousness of our connection, both were received with care. It's worth noting that, in the past I would have overcompensated with apologies. As it turned out, just one meant more than numerous apologies ever could. I also would have remained upset with myself and carried the weight around until I felt the punishment was over. Though this time, I found self-compassion and that was a gift.

Wake Up

This missed birthday was the catalyst for me to wake up from my own personal holiday flurry to the rest of my life. To once again honor the connections most cherished in my world. By being willing to ask,"what can I learn from this experience?" and listen for the answers, an opportunity for growth occurred.

There is so much life to experience and I wasn't focusing my energy within the space of abundance. It was as if I'd been driving a vehicle with a windshield covered with debris, that I couldn't possibly see beyond it. Though in the willingness to learn, the debris was cleared.

While I cannot control what happens in the external world, what I can do is approach my feelings and thoughts with compassion and care. Make choices to focus on the abundance, rather than lack and to continue clearing away the debris to journey forward.

2015 Vision Board

With this new focus and a relief from the tunnel vision of suffering, something shifted. I learned a lesson and discovered that the more often I shift the focus of my life to abundance, I find it. This is something I'm actively engaging in and am enthusiastic to continue to experience the beauty of life.

In the momentum of focus shifting, I share my 2015 Vision Board. Resolutions aren't my thing, so for the past three years I've created a vision board and selected a word for the year. My intention for 2015 is: Love, because I choose love to surround me. 

Love for myself and my self worth. 

Love for my continued journey of growth and discovery. 

Love for the amazing connections to friends and family who inspire, care and challenge me to live my full potential as a joyous and productive person. 

And love for discovering new connections and experiences that are nourishing, inspiring and authentic.

Vision Board 2015:
"I am a woman on a mission to claim my birthright."

Vision Board 2015:
Vitality, Energy, Optimism, Enthusiasm, Confidence, Connection, Hope and Love

Vision Board 2015:
The Be's

Vision Board 2015:
Love at the center and surrounding it all

Vision Board 2015:
Be Bright, Be Beautiful, Be Bountiful, Be Blissful, Be Loved!

What intentions have you set?
Is there a word that can surround the life experiences you want to create this year?

Check out my 2014 Vision Board where The Year of Support held true as my intention for the year.

With Love, Jan