Pride & Joy

Changes

Over the course of the last few years, my life has changed, I've changed. Who I once was, how I saw the world and what I bring forward has transformed. Intention setting, writing, blogging and holding the pieces of my heart have created more healing and ultimately, more happiness. By being present, introspective and aware, I've been able to play witness to growth. Sometimes the growth came out of a painful place, a place where deep healing work was needed to cultivate the life change. Other times it was in the sound of a cricket, the flapping of a birds wings or the babble of a creek that brought forward the space of love.

Most recently I've become more in tune with HOW my healing journey is nurtured. Sure, I'd make space for it, because I thought I "had to" and while that worked for a while, the struggle to align had a heaviness to it. A shift occurred as I began working with Maggie - her nurturing presence allowed me to mirror this for myself. To trust that within me there is a loving, compassionate and authentic place I too can learn how to do this. As time goes on, I continue to receive areas where more light, more love and more truth can come in. It may not always be easy and it's in the letting in, even after hours, days or months of struggle, I find out something new about myself.

Minnesota State Fair

Many of my recent blogs (OK, for the better part of the past 23 months?!?) I've focused on my body
transformation, batch cooking and lovely nourishment received when I feed my body what it needs. What I haven't talked about, at least not here, is my love for baking. It's my craft, my hobby, one of my places of happy and it also feeds my life. From the most traditional recipe (hello, gluten/wheat, dairy and refined sugar, which I choose to not eat) to some fantastic Paleo recipe (which I lovingly enjoy eating) - I just love baking. It brings me joy and in the alignment of doing what I love, I can still be found whipping up something sweet in my kitchen.

Since this blog is all about finding the happy. It's time to talk about my other blog - that baking adventures I enjoy here: OneMainIngredient.blogspot.com. I'm choosing to take the focus from WHAT I make, to HOW it is made... with love.

Recently, I had the exciting opportunity to enter my Cake Pops into the Minnesota State Fair Competition and here's my blog post: http://onemainingredient.blogspot.com/2014/08/mn-state-fair-competition.html. This was more than a competition or some dazzling display that captured the essence of the State Fair, no, it was so much more than that, it was an opportunity for me to learn, heal and grow.

There were moments as I was baking I could feel my arms shaking and times when the anticipation of the outcome overrode my enjoyment of being present. Even as I handed in my beautiful baked goodies, I found myself flooded with anxiety and joy, all at once. Fortunately, the friend, (one of the best actually), stood beside me, acknowledged where I was at and allowed for nurturing compassion to come in.

Yes, I'm proud of my win! Grateful I found the courage to continue on with it (even when I tried to talk myself out of it). Though mostly, my heart knows this was essential to bring me forward into a new space of growth. And just because I don't know where it's going, what the end result will be or how I'll be changed, I know that by showing up, being present and saying yes, I'll wind up where I am meant to be.

With Love, Jan

The Weigh In

23rd Month

Anniversary celebrations are a loving way for me to connect in and reflect on the intentions of my healing journey. On the eve of my 23rd Month Anniversary with my food/body/life transformation, I see where healing has occurred and find myself awakened to new areas of exploration. This little life of my has wanted to shine and in the 'doing', I find that the 'being' brings forward the authenticity of nurturing vulnerability. Like a deep sea diver hunting for buried treasure, I too find myself unearthing beautiful gems; parts of my soul that are ready to shine and be shown to the world.

As I make my way towards my 2 year anniversary, I feel the healing breathe return to acknowledge and honor my past, making space for reflection. In the spirit of reconnection, I find myself willing to journey in. Last year at this time I wrote: Let Me Tell You About This Gal. Part of me likes it because my story is there, the waves I struggled with, the pieces of my heart that were found and the hope (and trust) it took to get me where I was. Though mostly, I liked reconnecting with my past, pinning it to the earth and allowing it to be what it was.

The Weigh In

On February 26, the second day of my 100 Day Journey of Nourishment, I filmed myself weighing in and observed the devastation that ran across my face for having gained 0.4 pounds. And I realized that stepping on the scale had become a measure of my success. One way or another I'd come out with a black or white reaction to what that number was: "good" for having dropped weight or "bad" for having gained weight. Yet, in the observation of the video, something happened; I recognized a more loving way to honor my journey.

Stepping away brought up fear and doubt, how would I measure my success or know if I needed to reset my eating habits without this number? The first week was hard and then the next a bit easier, until time passed and the shift occurred. The power was taken away from the number and the energy I once poured into getting the "right" number was focused into noticing HOW my body felt. If I felt uncomfortable in clothing, I took notice with compassion. Stepping away from the scale was one of the healthiest choices made within my body transformation and I am grateful I did it.

As time went on, the ease with the unknown came in. The number stopped defining me and noticing how my body felt was liberating. I made the choice to hold myself accountable to how I want to feel. So to my surprise, earlier last week just before bed, I had a vision of myself stepping on the Wii Fit board and weighing in. This time rather than judging the indication of my body's mass; love and compassion surrounded the space. Laying my head down to rest, I allowed this vision to settle in beside me. Upon waking, support blossomed and trust allowed me to see my weight as a number; a data point. 

I AM PROUD

Feeling of excitement and anxiousness stepped forward and before I placed my feet on the board, I breathed in deeply and gave myself a hug. 

 
It had been 166 days since my last weigh in and in humble gratitude, I found the support and trust there within myself to acknowledge the registered number. I have transformed additional weight since the last weigh in and now find myself 111 pounds lighter. As I send gratitude for the journey, for the support and encouragement and for the trust within to honor what comes forward. The signals my body sends me, the comfort (or discomfort) are taken care of with healthy nourishment and I listen; creating metabolism that thrives with greens, protein and healthy fats. 

I AM PROUD! Proud of the way my body has let me know what it needs. Proud of the nurturing care I've provided it. Proud that as the waves came in or rolled out, I kept swimming, trusting that I hadn't come this far to fall off the earth, rather to become stronger, to shine and to thrive.

With Love, Jan

Returning to the Mat

Time Away

It's been some time since the squishy, blue yoga mat, bought a year and a half ago was rolled onto my living room floor. Time passed by quickly and if you looked closely a tiny bit of dust gathered on its rolled up surface. I kept trying to use it, yet I wasn't really READY  |  WILLING  |  WANTING. There were many thoughts about why I "should" exercise and in some attempt to shift the energy I even wrote a blog post about it. Though you won't find it here, it sits as a draft, written, yet unpublished.

In the last few months I've waded through my options, finding ease with the discomfort of the unknown. Uncovering that there was a BIG story I kept telling myself and it was written on the last day I joyfully practiced Yoga Booty Ballet in the summer of 2013. And this story became my excuse to not move my body PERIOD.


Picture provided by
http://evolveyogawellness.com/

Hot Yoga

In meditation space, clarity and compassion came forward, releasing the hold of the story, seeing it for what it was. In travels to Duluth, a dear family member asked if I wanted to attend a 90-minute Hot Yoga class at Evolve Duluth with them. While my brain rambled off numerous reasons why I "just couldn't do that," deeper in, the seedling of desire was discovered.

In the renovated basement with exposed stone walls of the 1889's old City Hall building, ease came in. As our instructor Tiffany led us into our first breath of the class, the flower bloomed with love. Expansiveness was found as self-reflection into the mat providing a mirror. My body spoke in silence and as sweat mixed with tears, release was found. Messages flooded in, received in my heart center and gratitude surrounded the moment. With clarify and articulation, the message to be a Wellness Warrior took root.

With Love, Jan

#ReflectionTime

Woke up this morning with these words on my heart
"Make way for space to heal"
What's in the head is ready to step forward
How "I" become concerned with external details
And awareness of the gap of incomprehensible size

Let the morning write about intangible space.
Awaken to it willingly, though not on command.
In a space surrounded with healing,
Deeper than any life long search could find.

It's not a physical space, though I used to think it was.
Because when waves crash against aged rocks,
Mountain peaks stand firm against blue sky,
A veil is lifted and the connection to the sacred was shown.
And so I thought those were the only places it could be found.
Though after time, awarenss revealed it is here, inside, always.

Introspection Interruption

It's interesting to note, as words took shape and thoughts winded into a valley.
There were other words written here.
Something about church and religion and the stories I kept telling myself with feelings of disappointment, shame and regret.
And yet, here are the published words.
Discovering acknowledgement was needed, rather than write the details
Making a choice, I see the stories for what they were,
Find a way to pin them to a space and time and allow for healing.

Introspection Continuation

I write, unaware of where this is going, words form
And on a weekend, where I arose before the sun,
The written are shared with you, those that visit, though mostly for me.

Many healings and new layers have presented themselves over the last few months.
Finding myself flooded with ideas of what I should blog about. 
Recognizing the "should's" don't come from my heart center.
And looking closely, the "should's" were holding me captive to narrowing, painful and destructive thoughts and feelings.

As I navigate into deep layers,
The pages of my journals fill with words.
Compassion is provided by holistic nutrition counselor
And sacred times with friends, create exploration space.

And in the vulnerability, I kept thinking I had to share it all.
That I was being inauthentic because I wasn't pouring it all out for the world to see. And so I stopped blogging from that space.
A healthy pause to acknowledge where the "should's" come in.
And as I settled into the discomfort, I found myself wedged into a small space, a prayer was sent, "Help me to trust this is meaningful and to hold my healings with compassion and love."

And so today, the words pour out and the desire to write about this quiet struggle steps forward.
Acknowledging the way thoughts, emotions and should's can hold captive the desire to write.
While respecting that these stories and all that is coming forward remain in the space they are meant to be.

With Love, Jan