Last Saturday I celebrated my 31st year of life
My 30th year of life was beautiful, challenging and amazing. I did things I only ever dreamed about and as I've become more intentional with my life purpose and healing, I find a willingness to listen and trust my intuition, all of which has allowed me to venture further into my journey of self-discovery.
I began taking care of myself, ate foods that worked for me, chose to avoid foods that didn't and took supplements that provided me with additional nutrition. I found support with a holistic healthcare professional, Dr. Margaret and each of these pieces, allowed me to blog, explore my healing and transform 99 pounds of my body weight by my 1 year anniversary.
I've taken steps towards my healing and began building a foundation for growth. I've begun honoring my patterns, acknowledging memories and emotions that were set aside until I was ready to uncover, embrace and learn from them and began taking ownership of my process. I acknowledged the part of me that wanted to shine my light and in this realized that I do not need to fit into someone else's idea of who or what I need to be.
I began my journey somewhere. Was it 3 years ago in the Power of Purpose training course at work? Was it a year and a half ago when I began this blog? Was it a year ago when I began seeing Dr. Margaret? Or was it in a conversation with a dear friend this week? While I'm not certain of the exact moment, they all rocked me in to a space of acceptance. Allowing me to travel further into the sea of my own identify and away from the land of what I think I need to be for others to accept me.
At first, the little waves seemed devastating. Then I'd find strength from somewhere deep inside, courage to trust my path and I’d continue forward, moving away from the person I thought I had to be, closer towards the person I truly am. It was slow and steady, there were rays of sunshine and storms of dark. There were pieces I’d brought with me that needed to be lovingly let go and things that laid before me I need to face. It is my adventure, my self-discovery and only I could do the journey. I am the one who has to face the waves, who gets to bask in the rays and who truly knows what it feels like in the waves of infertility, family relationships and with my eating habits. It is up to me to do the work, learn the lessons and if I halt along the way, it is my opportunity to acknowledge it and love myself even more.
As I move into my 31st year of living and loving and learning, I find trust and willingness are on my mind and in my heart. My spirit and physical self are eager to align and as I continue to trust my intuition, finding that the more often I make choices from this place, I shine a little brighter and feel a lot better. I'm on a healing path, I'm healing in the breaths I take, in the clicks of my computer keyboard and in this I am finding safety. I've began writing in to this healing space. And on my birthday made the connection that today is a rebirth of my journey. That all the work I've done, all the pieces I've integrated and all the parts I've begun healing, travel forward with me.
A New Healing Layer
There is something missing in the words I wrote earlier this week. A piece of my journey that was hidden, even from all of me, until I was ready to see its truth and was willing to be vulnerable into the space. And if I were not to write or blog in to this, I would be ignoring the beautiful lessons that came forward and the embrace of a new layer of healing.
I've felt my journey leading me into approaching a new layer of healing, preparing me to go into a deeper level. I began noticing it in July and trusted that when I was ready I'd start receiving more signs. Introspection and a sense of cocooning became consuming and I knew at some point what was will need to fall away, in order for what will be to become what is. I'd need to recommit to my healing journey, deeper and with more trust than ever before. To reconnect with my intentions and that I'd begin to see why I’m taking
the time and putting forth the energy to heal. I'd need to let go of certainty and trying to predict outcomes. And that my heroine (also known as the ego) would need to take a supporting role, rather than the lead.
I couldn't articulate that when I first noticed it, it has taken months of writing, conversations, halts and prayer to acknowledge that I am working at a much deeper level than I'd ever been and all parts of me need time to embrace or fight to survive in this new layer. It’s an odd place to be - the limbo between all that has been - which seems long since forgotten and all that will be - which seems just out of arms reach. And somewhere in the middle, I sat, contemplating, trying to figure out what I really wanted. What was going on and why I was having such a hard time with this phase of my healing.
I kept asking for signs from the universe about the next steps,
hoping I’d be able to predict what was next, so that I could find safety. Once I began asking, I received many signs. The thing is I didn't think they were big enough and the part of me that was trying to resist this new layer, had me doubting that they were even real. So I'd disregarded them and then go, "hey, wait a second, where's my sign?!?"
Cocooned into the wants I have for my life and purpose, while old patterns and old self-identifies were fighting for survival. I struggled with the willingness to travel into the darkness to see the truth. I was trying to honor the new layer, while let go of the old patterns. And somewhere in the middle, I felt stuck.
The 2 Weeks
Somewhere between my 1 year anniversary and my birthday the idea of, "no one would know if I ate this or felt this way about that," crawled forward and rather than follow my intuition, I gave in. I didn't confess this to Dr. Margaret or even let my best cleanse friend know - both of whom I'd previously trusted with so much, especially around food. I
see now that I couldn't have been honest with them, because I wasn't
able to be honest with myself. My closet eating habits pulled me in and I
found comfort at first and then shame. Food and eating wasn't giving me
the same feelings I used to get, I was feeling bloated, though mostly, any emotion I had tried to stuff down didn't get stuffed down and I added guilt on top of that. Who was I really hurting in this? It wasn’t Dr. Margaret, or you, my family, friends and supporters. No, it was me and me alone.
So while all of this was going on, I kept asking for more signs, trying to sort through and write into that which was affecting me and my actions. And as time progressed, the signs grew larger in size.
When my husband and I travel, we like to experience new places and enjoy new food. Though, since I began my dietary changes, it has become less enjoyable and I feel much better if I know everything that is in the meal. For my birthday, we headed to Bayfield, WI and on the way, stopped in Duluth at Blackwoods (a restaurant that offers gluten-free
food). As we were seated and browsed the menu, some options sounded great. Then I got a sign, this time louder than a whisper, my intuition, heart and body
said, “Let’s have a supplemental shake tonight.” At first I struggled to accept it, I was here at a restaurant that could make something work for me. This time though I listened and I honored what I really wanted. I had a choice and made it. It
wasn’t a “have to” or “should-be”, it was a “want to” and “need to”. It
was the start to embracing the new healing layer.
Wednesday
I
weighted myself for the first time in 2 weeks. I’d been avoiding it, knowing
that I had been eating too much. So when I got on the scale, the weight
increase of 4 pounds reverberated to my soul. For the last year, I’d
successfully maintained my weight or transformed at least 1.9 - 2.6 pounds a week.
The increase was a physical manifestation that I'd been running from something
and that this pattern wasn't working for me, it was working against me and my
healthy lifestyle goals.
And
just in case that sign wasn't enough, I received a flashing, neon lights,
larger than life sign that simply couldn't be ignored. As I attended an offsite professional development
meeting with my coworkers, I ordered a meal that was to be gluten-free and
dairy-free. I set the little special meal card at my place setting and when the
server brought over my food, I felt confident to enjoy the meal. The
presentation was great, as well as the networking. As my coworkers and I were
leaving, a mere 45 minutes since eating, I noticed that lights were too bright
and the right side of my forehead began throbbing.
We made it back
downtown and I noticed the pain was increasing. I started talking and noticed that my speech was slightly slurred, my eyesight
was starting to blur and the sound of my heals on the granite floor was pounding in my ears. I was having a full on migraine attack - my form of an allergic reaction to gluten. I made it into the comfort of a dark room and thoughts began running through my head. It has been at least 8 months since I've had a migraine (compared to my usual 1-2 a week) and part of me forgot how painful they are. While the other part of me tried to power through it. I began a list in my head of all the things I needed to do, but they were just excuses. Then I felt it, “none of those
things matter, you need to take care of yourself.” As tears streamed down my
cheeks, I acknowledged this truth.
Somehow I made it back to my desk, rescheduled my meetings, let my boss know I needed to go home and headed home. I knew taking the train to my car was going to be too much, so I took a taxi. I arrived home safely and got
sick, everything was expelled from my body. And as I stood in the shower, I felt the pain begin to slowly fade. I crawled in to bed, covered my head and wept. It was all I could do. My body was sending me a sign. And if there had been any shadow of a doubt of how important my dietary choices are, they were gone. I recommitted, stopped wavering and stopped worrying about me eating like a "normal person." I've seen how my body operates when I feel normal. Having a migraine, being sick and curling up is no longer my body's normal. Migraines are signs I’ve eaten gluten or nitrates. Stomach and
digestive issues are signs I've eaten dairy. My sensitivities are real and in fact are my body's normal.
A Change In Perspective Came...
For a while (longer than I care to admit) I allowed my choices to be in the hands of
others or outside of my ownership. After those sign, I trust that my ability to listen to myself and make the best choice for me is wisdom that I will and do learn from. I need to take care of myself and no one knows what is best for me, besides myself, my higher power, God and my angels. And when I ask for and receive signs, I'm going to do a better job of paying attention. And as I continue to explore and heal, I trust that each piece is meant to bring me closer to a piece of myself that deserves love.
I don’t know where this will lead me. Especially with baking. I enjoy baking gluten-free, dairy-free and refined sugar-free, though I also enjoy baking with traditional ingredients. I just don't eat the traditional ingredient items and for now, when I bake, I do not experience any reactions to the traditional ingredients.
There is
no way that I could keep doing this if I wasn’t committed to my healing, but there is a part of me, (maybe my heroine (ego)?) that really
doubted why I needed to. The part that brought me into my closet eating habits and pushed the boundaries of my healthy lifestyle choices. And
that’s ok, I needed to go through it and I’m sure there will be more
opportunities for me to recommit, to really claim and take care of myself. Because through all of this, through the pounds I’ve put on and the pounds I’ve
transformed and the healing I've found, I was born to do this. To explore, to heal, to share, to blog
and that my experience isn’t just about my relationship with food, it’s about
my relationship with myself.
With loving intentions, Jan
"Some
people are working on liking themselves well enough to allow healing.
It can
take time for them to achieve sufficient self-love."
- Echo Bodine
