A Life Time Experience

A Life Time Experience

In the last month and a half I've been exploring ways to add body movement into my life. I've blogged about how I reached this point in Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of The Exercise.

On Sunday, January 11, I knew where the next level of my transformation would take place. After searching for various places (gyms, private studios, Class Pass, etc) the Universe supported my intention as I attended a class at LifeTime Fitness with a friend.

 

The First Class

There were a lot of things that happened in that class.

First, I thought it was going to be a Barre Class (my primary motivator for body movement), turns out the instructor changed and we were now in Warrior Sculpt Yoga. This class combines yoga, strength training and athletic cardio training.*Keep in mind I hadn't been doing any significant form of exercise for a few months. I seriously considered leaving and then I improve'd it and said, "You're here, say Yes and show up!"

Second, even though it's been years since my weight, body and relationship to myself have been transforming, I felt very much like the "big girl" in class. I began worrying about the clothes I was wearing and comparing my body shape and size to others in the room. I realized those were old messages that are no longer the truth and fortunately they ended the moment body movement began. Turns out no one was looking at my body and if they were I was too focused on my own experience to care.

Third, for the first time I understood why people workout. There was a period of 30 minutes where I wasn't over-thinking or focused on a list of to-dos. I was present, in the moment and as my body shook awake in certain positions, I felt alive.

Fourth, I faced the thought that I wasn't worthy of moving my body in new and loving ways.

Fifth, I knew if I could rock it at Warrior Sculpt Yoga, I was ready to join the gym. I signed up and eagerly embrace where this journey will lead me and how my body, heart, mind and soul will transform.

With Love, Jan

The Exercise, Part 3

Let the Conversation Begin

So I've been blogging away on my exercise journey. Part 1 and Part 2 needed to be written before I could write this. It was my honoring of the doors and as one of my friends mentioned,

"I like that there are handles on those doors. There is sense of getting a grip, positive control and direct action to get a direct result opening and closing said doors."

So I now find myself here, eager and ready to share what I have been doing, how I've been and that I've not only seen the doors, I've turned the handles.

An Opening of Doors

For 2015, I set an intention to Discover Body Movement. Though it was before then that I knew the direction I was headed. Late last year I had two sessions with Emily Hall. She gifted me the opportunity to listen to my body's wisdom, to see many doors and open them. As it turned out, that what was beyond the initial fear, was more of me to love.

What I will share, (though trust me, there is more to write about those two experiences,) is that I got to see the way in which I've been doing my healing work from a new perspective. Energy and focus was poured into connecting with my mind and heart. And with much love and gratitude my spiritual practice has blossomed. And while I have physically transformed 130 pounds and many painful body symptoms decreased, I haven't focused much on my physical self, I just didn't know why.

The Dinner Guests

Imagine a dinner table of 4 guests; body, heart, mind and soul. Each guest has brought their strengths, vulnerabilities, truths and perspectives. They come together connecting on their discoveries; celebrating, expressing gratitude and seeking support. As it turns out my body guest was timid and shy, even afraid to step forward. Or perhaps the other 3 were talking and doing so much, my body self knew one day, it would be time to be the guest of honor at the dinner table.

Trust the Body

I remember driving home from the gym and this bit of wisdom floated up to my consciousness: Trust the Body! Tears streamed down my face, because I realized that wasn't what I had been doing, not fully or intentionally. That somewhere along the way, even as I transformed 130 pounds and focused on feeling good with what I ate, I didn't trust my body.

That lack of trust came from a part of me fearing I might gain weight again when changes were made in my life. Wasn't it my body to blame for my weight and the pain of allergic reactions to gluten, dairy, grains, refined sugars and soy? And wasn't I also doubting that I was truly worthy of this journey?

Yes, I praised and honored my body transformation, though I did a fair share of silent punishment too. What I discovered by opening those doors with Emily was that I'd been punishing myself for a very long time. Because I was trying to forget, shove down and disregard these painful pieces. The doors had kept me safe, until one day I would have enough strength, courage and a loving companion to walk beside me as I opened them. Behind the doors were experiences that happened to my body, happened to me and those moments changed the way in which I saw and felt and me, my body and my life.

Keep Trusting

While I don't condone what happened; I'm actively engaging in accepting and forgiving. I've punished myself long enough for something that happened to me, not something that I deserved or caused. By seeing those experiences for what they are, forgiveness, compassion, trust and love are being reestablished at the dinner table.

As I move forward, the energy at the dinner table has shifted. All guests are honored, engaged and participating. Forgiveness is the appetizer, Compassion the main course, Trust the dessert and Love in all of it. Together, the collective, mind, body, heart and soul will begin anew and that's a beautiful thing.

With Love, Jan

The Exercise, Part 2

Me + Body Movement = A Lesson to Learn

As I write this post, Cloud Cult’s That Man Jumped Out the Window plays in the background and the line “it’s the things that we’re too scared to talk about,” circles through the atmosphere. Because that is what exercise has been for me. I've been afraid to talk about it, to write it out, to blog and to share, because I didn't know what would happen when I opened that door.

Yesterday I shared The Exercise, Part 1, a blog post that sat as a draft for a year and a half. It was a funny thing, I've had other draft posts and when I'd return to them, they were often discarded or bits and pieces were grabbed to make a new post. But that one, it just stayed there; I couldn't delete it OR publish it. I felt stuck and didn't know why. And then there it was, I was facing a door I didn't want to open and so I waited.

The Door

Over the course of the last few years, I’d start out enthusiastic with an exercise plan. My body wanted to move in beautiful ways and so I'd find "the new thing." As the months went on, no matter how much I loved it, something would happen internally (was it mentally? emotionally? spiritually? or all?) and I would find myself blocked and that brings us to the door.

My consciousness identifies these blocks as doors. A door keeps things from getting in and also keeps things from getting out. I respected the fact that the door was there for a reason. Who am I kidding?!? Respect wasn't always there, though frustration, anger and sadness were, because I wanted so desperately to move!

There was a part of me that didn't want to know what was behind the door, because I knew it would change my life. And there was a part of me that wanted to know, because I knew it would change my life. Yes! I wanted the door to stay closed and to be opened for the same reason. I just didn't know it then and I didn't know what to do or how to be with it.

“What excuses have you been making

for not confronting the problem up till now?”

Stevie Ray

Opening the Door

For a while I kept trying to find another exercise that felt good for my body and for a while it worked and then there was the door again. I was starting to get the sense that I needed to acknowledge the door. It became revealed to me over time that it wasn't exercise itself that was the issue. It wasn't WHAT I was doing; it was HOW I was doing it. By continuing to avoid the issue, I only prolonged the dissatisfaction, making the process painful and uncomfortable. 

Sharing the post yesterday was me stepping out of my comfort zone, into the space of authentic vulnerability. Sharing this post today encourages me to keep opening the door with gentle compassion, because it will change my life.

With Love, Jan

The Exercise, Part 1

I've been waiting to post this for a while and by a while I mean since December of 2013. That was when I began to pull at the delicate strings of why I had stopped exercising 6 months prior. Where had time gone? And now, it's been over a year since I first wrote my way into it. By sharing where I was, it allows me to see where I am and to move forward. It is interesting to note, I don't have a real resolution as to why I stopped exercising, at least not one I can articulate. Though before more time passes, I'm honoring my intuition to share this post (and it isn't just to clear out my blogging draft folder), so here it goes. 

December 2013

At first I thought, "I'm too embarrassed to admit that I haven't exercised since July." And that feeling is real, though it only brushes against what is really there. Then I thought, "I'm afraid of what others will think of me when I share this." And yes, that goes to a place too. And then I asked what was behind that, because those weren't at the heart of the matter. And even writing this now, I'm not sure I understand it yet either.  
I've taken time, nearly half a year, before I could even write about this. Trying to uncover what is underneath my pause in exercising. My own fears of acceptance and love touch on the delicate outlines, my feelings of worthiness are there too. And as I write, it's me looking to honor the space within. 

Act of Courage

A willingness to explore what is sticky, to see the places I've paused and to look beyond the excuses. To share what is on the heart and in the head. This act of writing has become a compassionate companion, rather than a fearful foe. But even this post was harboring a fugitive. And for those of you that understand the depth of my journey, you see that this is a doorway into my soul. Sharing what is, what has been and what I hope for, places me in this vulnerable space. And often, it isn't until all parts of my being, are at the very least willing, that space and time lead towards sharing.

Sometimes I am not ready to acknowledge the door, let alone open it. I realize my truest concern underneath what others may think, is what I think and feel about myself. And in writing this, I acknowledge that I have felt unworthy of healing this piece, so I haven't blogged about it. And when I find myself trying to "fix it" the best course of action is to pause. To allow for me to become more loving with myself. For me to make the choice for this process to be less painful. 

So I begin here, where I am at, not knowing where it will go. Allowing this piece of me - this door into my soul - to be opened with love to let light in.

July 2013 - The Last Day I Exercised

I remember this day as if it were yesterday, though really the calendar proves that it was much longer than that. Armed with time off from work and a determination to find clarity, I eagerly approached my upcoming road trip to reconnect with several friends. I brought along my Yoga Booty Ballet DVD's and yoga mat, ensuring that I'd find time to do this exercise that I loved. It was my go-to exercise, combing yoga core strengh, cardio dance moves and ballet beauty.

The first morning of the trip I woke up and could feel the longing for my body to stretch. In the basement of a college friend’s house I practiced Yoga Booty Ballet, Latin Flavor and that was the last time I’d worked out with Yoga Booty Ballet. A door was placed infront of body movement and I stopped, I just stopped doing it.

6 Months Later

One day became two and two days became three, until now I sit here 6 months later. How had I started making excuses that I was "too busy" to make time for a 30-45 minute workout? What was stopping me from body movement?

In some attempt to keep moving, I tried to find a replacement. I attended a yoga class once a week for a few months. There were several reasons I liked this class. It opened a doorway for me to feel comfortable to physically move my body in front of others. The instructor was warm and inviting. The group size was small and I felt safe. 

It even offered some relief. When I started moving, parts of myself and my body longed to be held in the breath and so I’d stay there for a moment or two. And when my left leg crossed over my body, I breathed into the space and tears rolled down my cheek. I didn't want to be “that gal” and so I stifled them in. When we turned onto our stomachs the instructor asked if I was doing ok. I responded “I'm fine physically, it's just my emotions.” She smiled lovingly and said, “It’s alright if you cry here.”

So I was doing a form of exercise, though I could tell my body needed more and I didn't want to see that then. I also was avoiding the real reason why I wasn't moving. It wasn't that I needed a new form of exercise, rather, something else needed to be acknowledged, a door opened and I just didn't want to.

Was exercise something I was afraid of? Or was it that I knew what rested behind the door and I chose to let it stop me? And in time, will I find out what to do with that? I hope some day, when the time is right, I will.

With Love, Jan

28 Months

Last Wednesday I honored my 28 month anniversary of my body transformation. With a 130 pounds transformed, choices made to feel better and a willingness to believe in myself and the power of transformation, I truly celebrated this anniversary.

Though something happened before I got to the celebration. I noticed a part of me trying to make my 28 month anniversary ordinary. I suppose I could have agreed, yet that didn't settle with me and I made the choice to find out why.

Perhaps it was the part of me that thought after I reached my 2 year anniversary, the 21st of each month would feel "just like any other day." Though it really doesn't. Nor is there any reason for me to stop honoring this measure of time. If it were not for the bold move I made then, my life transformation wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be here now. So what was really going on?

Behind The Curtain 

I felt the spiral inward, as I moved beyond the thoughts that were trying to minimize the significance of this date, the magnitude of my transformation and the gratitude of this journey. There was a piece of the puzzle that was demanding my attention. Throughout my journey there was something I'd believed to be true. A part of me that no matter how far I got, would hook me back in to a place of discontentment. So I'd struggle, find a new rhythm and keep moving forward, though I never understood why this stop and go pattern occurred, what I could do with it or how it could transform.

The Mental Block

Most recently as I was moving my body at the fitness club, I saw this "truth" come forward in a way I hadn't experienced before. My personal trainer developed a routine for my body movement. With this plan in place, I found myself at the fitness club moving and feeling stronger. A few days into the new routine, I noticed a thought that landed beside me, "great job, Jan! I think you're done."

While I was doing a great job (I'm a big fan of pep talks), I'd been keeping count and knew I wasn't done. I wondered what that little thought was trying to do. "Well, Jan, no one will know if you don't finish your routine." Frozen on the green yoga mat, I recognized this as a mental block. I affirmed that I would indeed be completing the routine and responded back, "No one else may know, but I will." The energy of the mental block lifted, the thought dissipated and Jack Johnson's Sitting, Wishing, Waiting played over the speakers, becoming my work out wake-up song.

How long will I keep sitting until I am ready to move? 

How long will I keep wishing I'd take bold steps forward? 

And when will I stop waiting to be ready? 

Little did I know then, this experience was an opportunity for me to grow even more. As I sat with Maggie at my monthly nutrition appointment, we pulled back the curtain on this mental block. I could feel my breath quicken, heart beat faster and my thoughts race, as I tried to cover up what was nestled underneath. Thankfully, this wasn't my first time sitting with uncomfortable emotions and thoughts, so I settled in, took deep breaths and recognized my stop and go pattern, I was afraid and thought I was unworthy.

The Worthiness Factor

Over the course of the last 30 something days, I've been actively engaging in honoring my self worth. It's been an emotional process. A detoxification of the lie that I am unworthy and a reclamation of the truth that I am worthy. With the support of my life coach, I've grown with it, learned from it and continue to do so. Because over the course of the last few years, at the root of the 'stop and go' pattern I was experiencing with movement, both in the fitness club and on my spiritual journey, my worthiness was on the line. And in these two moments in time, I was given the opportunity to see the thoughts for what they were and return to a place of truth, that I am worthy.

With love, Jan