The Journey with Food

Ninth week of Inspiring Happiness Project

     How I’ve missed blogging. The last few weeks have required extra energy into care giving for my family and fortunately the road to recovery is insight. 

     I felt passionate and aware of what I was bringing into my life and how quickly something can happen to change it. I reflected on my Inspiring Happiness Project and on love, life and healing. I’ve taken for granted what I have, not out of spite or anger, because life gets busy. And it’s in the ‘bustle of busy’ that acknowledging love is essential to making our lives worth living, love is simply fundamental. 

     As I thought about those that I love and what I love, I asked “is there a relationship I have that is wanting to be acknowledged and revitalized? A relationship that could be landscaped to remove what doesn’t work and make room for things that do?" And for the first time, I began to landscape my relationship with food. Digging in and getting my hands dirty, ready to complete a huge landscaping project.

     Over the years I’ve tried various things: eliminating and incorporating certain foods, joining a gym and yes, I’d find results, but then the bustle of life would set in; mindfulness, healthy snacks and motivation could only be sustained for so long and I would soon find this relationship to be deprived of love and attention. 

     When was the precise moment I realized this relationship needed more love? I cannot say, I only know that I felt the tug on my heart to begin. I wanted to once again make choices that would foster love. As with anything, once it’s acknowledged, things start lining up to make changes for the best. 

     First I looked at what is my relationship with food based on? Is it for nutritional value? Celebration? Comfort? And I realized, for so long, food has been my safest and quickest source of comfort. It was easily accessible, provided instant gratification and did what I needed: stuffed painful feelings and memories down. If I had a stressful day at work I’d ask myself “what did I feel like eating?” I'd end up making the choice not based on what I actually needed to help eat to help alleviate the stress. No I'd chose to suppress the emotions and eat food that hurt my body. I’d find temporary relief and then crash, being left with the unresolved stress and now guilt of what I’d just eaten. 

The Layers

     Food became a way to bury the emotions I didn’t want to process. As more emotions went unexpressed and memories left ignored, layers developed. The layers stored sadness, guilt and anger and memories of times so painful to accept. I convinced myself that by eating I was protected from having any pain. 
    Although pain takes on many forms and while I thought my emotions were in check, I knew physically I was not. A number on a scale would scare me to my core and yet, another layer of shame would be added to the unexpressed emotions. Thus the food that I thought was comforting me was actually causing me the most pain. 

    With this in mind, I have grown to recognize I have new ways to find comfort, a pedicure, conversation with a dear friend and most importantly, my relationship with my emotions had begun to transform, no longer did I need to bury anything.
     I began slowly, asking myself "what is one thing that I could begin to weed out and still find support?" So several weeks ago, I eliminated soda. Before this I would drink at least 1 20 ounce bottle of pop a day. The first week was filled with headaches, withdrawal and lots of fear. But after 7 days I was sleeping better and gaining more confidence on my journey to find ways to landscape out what wasn’t working.

     On Saturday, June 16^th I started a cleanse. After researching an all fruit and vegetable juice 3 day cleanse, I was able to wrap my mind around what it would take. Some of the key items were to expect a release of toxins, clarity and a transformation on my relationship with food. As I visited with my chiropractor she also suggested doing a cleanse. Rather than doing a fruit and vegetable juicing, she suggested a nutritional shake that would replace 2 meals of the day, with the 3rd meal rice, organic vegetables and chicken. It seemed like something I could do and before my mind could talk me out of it, I agreed! 

     With an internal drive to know I could do this, I committed to a 7 day cleanse. I knew this would bring forth layered emotions and memories and as they came up I was open, honest and thankful to learn many lessons. I’m proud of my willingness to landscape my relationship with food; weeding out what wasn’t working, encouraging new things to grow and revitalizing the relationship with attention and love and it's only just begun.