When Self-Awareness Happens

In the last 4 and a half years, I've been given opportunities to heal, grow and transform. My journey has required courage to move through infertility, establish boundaries with family, transform the relationship with my body, accept the dissolution of my marriage and live in temporary separation from my home, my belongings and my sweet cat. I've been placed in continual transitions and it has been uncomfortable and challenging; it has also been rewarding and heart holding.

Image from:
 http://brenebrown.com/my-blog/page/2/

There are times when the movement through the 'stuff' is clear, the journey is accepted and I find myself landed in a new place of deeper love, acceptance and hope. Though the truth is, those pieces happen AFTER my 'rumble'. I didn't know what this part of the journey was called and as I've been reading Brené Brown's new book, Rising Strong, her words have enabled me to better understand the holding space. As my self-awareness is strengthened, I recognize the signs when it is time to own and move through a block.

With each block, my curiosity is peaked with the opportunity to heal. Energy, time and patience are needed to live wholeheartedly. Because the truth is, I want to be my best. Though, I need to reach a point of reconciliation that my best doesn't mean being 'perfect', having a 'final destination' or pushing myself too quickly through something. My best comes from making the best choices I can with the tools I have. To do the things that scare me, to take risks to reprogram old patterns and to trust myself to know I'm worth it.

I grew up denying my sensitivities, intuition and my ability to connect with the Divine because I didn't understand it. After scary experiences occurred, I closed off pieces of myself. Fear and self-protection created programs to prevent me from experiencing that pain again. Unfortunately, as I've grown, those programs continue to play out when I feel unsafe. So, when I'm in my 'rumble' and backed against the wall, the fear of the unknown creates anxiety and I'm not sure how I will make it through the next layer.


But, wait, remember that whole 'self-awareness' piece? Well, I'm starting to see the old programs for what they are and do my best to make choices to move beyond the power they hold. Rather than fear, I choose love; rather than doubt, I choose trust; rather than running, I see what happens when I stay with myself.

With each breath and tick of the clock; times moves me through the seasons of my life. So, while I may be in the 'rumble' phase with the next layer of my healing, I'm going to bring in self-awareness. Because the spiritual gifts of 'self-love', 'self-acceptance' and 'self-worth' happen more often when practiced. And by me saying, "I'm rumbling through this, not entirely clear on my direction or next steps, I'm going to trust that where I am, is where I am supposed to be and what is happening is happening for me." It's allowing me the opportunity to practice all of those things.

Cloud Cult recently released their new song 'No Hell' and it would seem their gift for understanding the spiritual warrior's journey was translated into music and arrived at a time when I needed to receive its gift.

"It's easy to be thankful for the things you've got. 

It takes guts to give thanks for the things you've lost"

So I honor the things that shaped me into who I am today. Because I know what the truth is.

I am writing this because I have worked through each of those previous experiences. 

I am having new and amazing experiences because of each of my changes. 

I am more loving and more compassionate, humbled and grateful.

I am more willing to be vulnerable and share what is behind the mask.

I enjoy spending time with my friends and family's children wholeheartedly. 

I am creating new relationships with my family. 

I am stronger and healthier than I've ever been. 

I am grateful for the relationship I had and the lessons learned.

I am now reunited with my cat, belongings and settling into a new home.

Each step required me to let go. 

Each step required courage. 

Each step asked me to be a better friend to myself than my negative mind talk was telling me to be. 

And each step asked me to trust the process and believe that I am worthy of love, peace and hope. 

With Love, Jan

The Anniversary Letter

Since 2013, on each of my September 21 anniversaries, I've written a letter to myself, sealed it and waited until the following year to read it. Set in nature and always near water, the woman I was, meets the woman I've become and together discover something new. After reading the letter, I write another for the me a year from now. This yearly act is loving and sacred.

When I made the commitment to change my relationship with my food and health on September 21, 2012, a leap of faith was needed. My health issues were limiting and weighing over 300 pounds had me wishing to feel better. I wanted more energy; more passion; more life.



As I discovered my food sensitivities with gluten, dairy, grains and sugar, I made the decision to quit them cold turkey. I was determined, though as the cravings grew with intensity and as the flu-like symptoms indicated my body was detoxing, I was unsure if I'd made the best decision. If I had a bad day, I wanted fast-food. If it was time to celebrate, I wanted delicious food. Those knee-jerk reactions needed to be reprogrammed and addressing my emotions was essential for healing. Food stopped being able to cover over or push things down and I was faced with healing past traumas.



By my 1 year anniversary, I transformed nearly 100 pounds and couldn't believe it. And yet, the pictures are the most immediate proof that it actually happened. This change took work, time and energy and it was all worth it.

On my 1 year anniversary, I wrote the first letter to myself and saved it until I reached my 2nd anniversary. That next year of my journey, more layers were healed with my health and body transformation. My love for cooking highlighted the gifts of food and working with a new guiding light, ignited my journey. On that 2nd anniversary, I read my first letter. I was shaken. My letter was filled with prayers to have a child, though having a child was the furthest thing from my mind.

So today, as I read through the letter I wrote a year ago, it flooded back to me what was on my heart and mind in 2014. There was a place of insight in my letter, I knew my primary relationship needed attention and I prayed for healing and for answers to unfold. I felt lost, unsure and afraid. I didn't know that in only a few weeks, the decision to file amicalbly and non-contested for divorce would be made.



Compassion was key as I met who I was then and who I am now. It's been a year filled with significant changes; where I live, who I live with and my routine, shifted. My primary relationship ended, my marital status changed and so did my name. I found more support systems. Discovered the deep roots my friendships had and the remarkable way friends took me in and helped me out when I wasn't able to articulate more than the grieving process I was in. Joining a gym, trying new body challenges and working out on a regular basis became an outlet that helped put me at ease. I began working with a life coach, found the strength to move through life and discovered more of who I authentically am. I was getting the chance to start a new chapter of my life.

While I stayed close to my healthy food choices and weekly food prep, my old pattern to crave comfort (and consistency) had me turning to food in the midst of change. I was no longer asking my food to provide nourishment, I was asking it to meet my emotional needs as well.

So on this anniversary, I return to connecting with myself and talk gently to the part of me that is scared. To stop asking food to fill a void or stuff things down and to trust the process of change. I know making this shift will allow me to show up as I am meant to.



I need to share that I had a good amount of shame around this topic. Admitting that I'd let the foods back into my life that were harmful (even in small doses) is uncomfortable. I'd worked so hard and I felt like I'd failed myself and anyone who has been inspired by my dedication to my journey. Though when I stop the negative mind talk, I realize that one of the most important things I've learned on this journey is that being authentic, especially when in the valley, is far better than pretending "everything is fine."



Since I've tried shame, guilt, anger, fear and frustration and because I've beaten myself up and judged what I logically understood and yet, emotionally wasn't able to process through; I'd like to do something else. I want to meet this old me that longs to be healed with the new me. It would seem my newest journey is to fall madly in love with myself and be so curious about what I'll discover next.


So I'll talk to myself, like I would talk to a friend," it's okay to be scared and feel lonely. It's okay to want comfort with all the changes that happened. And you know what, it's understandable that you turned to food, because it was what you've known. Though, I'd really like to do something new. I am curious about discovering ways to feel comforted and loved that aren't reliant upon anything else, especially food."

With Love, Jan Lynn

I Thought I Needed A New Blog

A few weeks ago the idea for a new blog sparked enthusiasm. "Oh, what great adventures this new blog and I will have." A post saying farewell to this blog was created, as was a welcome post to my new blog. Confident I was traveling the best path for my journey, I shared my plans with my life coach. Everything was going fine until... (insert: dum, dum, dum sound bite). Energy shifted, questions drilled beyond the surface and I discovered something about myself.

Three years ago my blogging journey began here on the Inspiring Happiness Project and while I was unsure of what I would write or where I would grow, I knew this was the platform for something truly beautiful. It took me time to discover my voice, though as I wrote into the darkness, light was revealed. My blog became a sacred place of healing.

What this new blog had to offer was something different. I could stop being reminded of who I was. Stop being "the one" who worked hard to work through her "stuff". And people wouldn't know my past or all of the struggles I had. Simply put: I no longer wanted to wear the badges of courage I'd earned. They only reminded me of the pain I experienced with depression, anxiety, infertility and emotional eating. The self-made prison of shame held me captive and I'd grown tired of needing new tools to increase my happiness. I found fault in my humanness. I'd become so afraid of my realness that I wanted to shut it down and "be perfect".

And so today I write through those prisons. No longer holding myself, my gifts and my light hostage. It's in the vulnerablty to write and courage to share that a light shines brightly and the keys to let me out are found. And while my negative mind talk has me thinking I'll be "rejected, unloved and alone" by sharing that I need to work through shame, perfectionism and honoring my humanity, I've found something else. The truth is, I've been on the receiving end of compassion and love. And I like to believe it's because there are people out there, like me, who just want to know they will be embraced and loved for who they are, even when they are at their most human, beautifully messy selves.

The New Blog

While I'm sure my new blog would have brought me joy and met a need in my life, it wasn't really what I needed. Connection, honoring and embracing my humanness was. One day I'll write on that new blog and when I do, it will because I am ready to do so, not because I am running away from something.

So sweet girl, sweet blog, sweet readers, for now, this is where I choose to write, honoring my past, my patterns and my humanness with compassion and love. Because until I change myself and embody the richness of my life, my gifts, my journey and my humanity, no amount of blogs will fulfill my life.

So I return to my heartglow center with this blog where my intentions shine brightly. 

I want to inspire others to live in their authenticity

To live a passionately curious life.

To encourage growth in areas where one feels stuck. 

To learn new tools to be mindful, self-compassionate and self-loving.

To recognize when a comfort zone has stopped feeling comfortable and trust the process of stepping beyond it. 

To say, "hey, I'm human too. I get opportunities to choose how to respond to life triggers. And here's what I've discovered about myself along the way." 

I want to change someone's life in a positive and loving way. 

What I want... is to change and live mine! 

With Love, Jan Lynn

The Comfort Zone

The Collective We

For a moment allow me to write as the collective "we". While I usually avoid this writing format, it is offering me a sense of comfort (yes, I get the irony).

We LOVE our comfort zones. Their primary functions are to create safety, protection and provide us with certainty. Created by past experiences, we go through life and make decisions for our present life, from the perspective of the comfort zone.

Time goes on and then a Life Shock occurs. **Life shocks are moments that wake us up, encouraging us to grow** Suddenly, what used to work no longer does and we get the opportunity to see the Life Shock from another perspective and wisdom arises: we've outgrown the comfort zone.

The magic (not the truth) of the comfort zone is that we long for the way we used to feel. And because we are creatures of habit, we try to crawl back into the comfort zone. Often, we stay, in the uncomfortable comfort zone (yes, that's an oxymoron), even when it becomes painful.

Because

Who would want to change? 

Who wants to step beyond their comfort zones? 

Who knows they are worthy enough to embrace the process, create a new comfort zone, or better yet, live beyond them?

Here's where the healthy, perspective shifting discussion begins.

Who would choose to stay stuck?

Who would stay in a comfort zone that stopped being comfortable?

Why would we not want to discover MORE of who we are?

My Comfort Zones

Over the course of the last few years, I've faced many of my comfort zones and the work I've done has provided me with tools to live more authentically. In the process, I've discovered this amazing gift of my being; I love to learn, grow and share my experiences. Fortunately the Universe continues to provide me with opportunities to take leaps of faith.

Though I will admit, sometimes I don't see the leaps as opportunities, even though I know it is in my best interest. It isn't always easy to acclimate to the wisdom that stirs inside of me that knows, "it's time to grow." And in my vulnerable honesty, the process to shift my perspective takes time, energy and practice. What I do know about my process, is that with authentic support, nourishment and love, I navigate through the growth periods and come out stronger.

July 2012

My weight, body size and food choices used to be my primary comfort zones. They offered a form of protection, a temporary relief of pain and provided a distraction. The comfort zones were in place because of past experiences I was not yet ready to process through. When I began my body transformation in September of 2012, I faced my comfort zones again, and again, and again. Because food is essential to living, every meal became an opportunity for me to choose nourishment and connection, over frustration and avoidance. Naturally, as the layers of the healing process began, my comfort zones stopped working and started hurting. What I needed was to wholeheartedly believe that by stepping beyond my comfort zones, I'd discover a better way to live.

The Perspective Shift

April 2015
The Perspective Shift

I've become familiar with my growth process and can feel a new layer rise to wake me up. With this awareness, I asked for support and received a new teacher in my life. With full heartfelt gratitude, I honor the connection that began as I began working with Aaron, my life coach.

The Universe presented the teacher that would compliment my strengths, encourage my growth and would help me to live in abundance. I've flourished, discovered and harnessed new ways of living because of the work we engage in. And what I love, respect and sometimes get frustrated with (though, again, that is what I like about the process) is that I am challenged to see my comfort zones for what they are, to tell the truth and step outside of them to grow. Depending on how honest and willing I am to ask for support, the lesson learning and time of growth can be seen in one of two ways:

Is this experience happening TO me?

Or 

Is this experience happening FOR me? 

Regardless of how I choose to see it (albeit the first feels limited, icky, dark and deep, while the second feels bountiful, bright and makes my heartglow) my life coach is there to help me work through each phase, shift the perspective and make choices that align with my authenticity.

If I've learned anything from my body transformation, the growth process is filled with surprises, takes time, energy and most of all requires PATIENCE. So as I continue forward, courage, compassion and honesty surround my intention to live in my authenticity.

Photo Courtesy of:
http://www.lovethispic.com/image/48988/you-make-mistakes

With Love, Jan

The Big Climb

21 Days Until...

A few weeks ago I was climbing the stairwell in my work building and after reaching the 5th flight of stairs I was grateful to badge in on my desired floor. Upon exiting the stairwell, with winded breath, I said, "I'm glad I don't 'have to' do the Big Climb." 

Well, if you've been following me on Facebook, you know that I am actually doing the Big Climb on April 18th. That I've committed to climbing 48 flights of stairs and raising money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. That I reached my financial goal week 1 (of course, more is always welcome). That a team has been created called The Capellavators (said with an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent). That I've been attending a weekly work out specifically geared to condition our bodies for the climb. And that I've met some amazing people through the process. 

None of those things would have been possible had I let that initial thought on the stairs stay with me. Had I lived in a "have to" world, rather than a "choose to" world. And that by making another choice, I was able to live beyond my comfort zone and try something new.

Because I practice and focus on living a holistic life, I see this Big Climb as yet another opportunity for me to challenge myself and grow. Even though I joined LifeTime Fitness in early January, climbing 48 flights of stairs takes my fitness, stamina and drive to a whole new level. I've stayed focused in the present moment and haven't worried about (well, ok, maybe a few times) "how am I going to make it up all 48 flights?"  I've focused on knowing I will make it one step at a time. 

Someone shared how blood cancer has affected their life and how grateful they were that I was doing this. It became clear to me that this climb wasn't just about challenging myself in a new way, it was about connecting even more deeply with the purpose. That these connections would keep me moving forward on the stairs, when my body and mind may want to stop. Connecting my heart in the process only furthers on the abundance in which I view my own life and now get to make a difference in someone else's. 

If you want to donate to support me and the The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society,Donate here: http://www.llswa.org/site/TR/Events/MNBigClimb?px=1737109&pg=personal&fr_id=1491

Meeting Pat with The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society

I mentioned the amazing people I've met and conversations I've had that NEVER would have happened had I stopped myself from saying "Yes" and showing up.

Yesterday I had the honor of meeting Pat Gail with The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Our souls danced together in a brilliant light, truly, words can only skim the surface on how amazing it was to connect with her. She's out there making a difference by the work that she does with passion and authenticity and that inspired me to keep shining and doing my work.

I also made a new friend in the process and honestly, this is the way in which our friendship was meant to be founded. I remember when we were both considering doing the climb. We both knew somewhere beyond all the doubts that we were meant to do this climb. We both wanted an accountability partner and as it turns out we found friends too. Her determination and enthusiasm to make this experience rewarding has been yet another beautiful gift I am only too happy (and grateful) to receive. 

So, here I go, prepared in many ways for what lies ahead in the next 21 days and also completely trusting that exciting and new experiences will happen along the way and I'll take each One Step At a Time!

With Love, Jan