The Anniversary Letter

Since 2013, on each of my September 21 anniversaries, I've written a letter to myself, sealed it and waited until the following year to read it. Set in nature and always near water, the woman I was, meets the woman I've become and together discover something new. After reading the letter, I write another for the me a year from now. This yearly act is loving and sacred.

When I made the commitment to change my relationship with my food and health on September 21, 2012, a leap of faith was needed. My health issues were limiting and weighing over 300 pounds had me wishing to feel better. I wanted more energy; more passion; more life.



As I discovered my food sensitivities with gluten, dairy, grains and sugar, I made the decision to quit them cold turkey. I was determined, though as the cravings grew with intensity and as the flu-like symptoms indicated my body was detoxing, I was unsure if I'd made the best decision. If I had a bad day, I wanted fast-food. If it was time to celebrate, I wanted delicious food. Those knee-jerk reactions needed to be reprogrammed and addressing my emotions was essential for healing. Food stopped being able to cover over or push things down and I was faced with healing past traumas.



By my 1 year anniversary, I transformed nearly 100 pounds and couldn't believe it. And yet, the pictures are the most immediate proof that it actually happened. This change took work, time and energy and it was all worth it.

On my 1 year anniversary, I wrote the first letter to myself and saved it until I reached my 2nd anniversary. That next year of my journey, more layers were healed with my health and body transformation. My love for cooking highlighted the gifts of food and working with a new guiding light, ignited my journey. On that 2nd anniversary, I read my first letter. I was shaken. My letter was filled with prayers to have a child, though having a child was the furthest thing from my mind.

So today, as I read through the letter I wrote a year ago, it flooded back to me what was on my heart and mind in 2014. There was a place of insight in my letter, I knew my primary relationship needed attention and I prayed for healing and for answers to unfold. I felt lost, unsure and afraid. I didn't know that in only a few weeks, the decision to file amicalbly and non-contested for divorce would be made.



Compassion was key as I met who I was then and who I am now. It's been a year filled with significant changes; where I live, who I live with and my routine, shifted. My primary relationship ended, my marital status changed and so did my name. I found more support systems. Discovered the deep roots my friendships had and the remarkable way friends took me in and helped me out when I wasn't able to articulate more than the grieving process I was in. Joining a gym, trying new body challenges and working out on a regular basis became an outlet that helped put me at ease. I began working with a life coach, found the strength to move through life and discovered more of who I authentically am. I was getting the chance to start a new chapter of my life.

While I stayed close to my healthy food choices and weekly food prep, my old pattern to crave comfort (and consistency) had me turning to food in the midst of change. I was no longer asking my food to provide nourishment, I was asking it to meet my emotional needs as well.

So on this anniversary, I return to connecting with myself and talk gently to the part of me that is scared. To stop asking food to fill a void or stuff things down and to trust the process of change. I know making this shift will allow me to show up as I am meant to.



I need to share that I had a good amount of shame around this topic. Admitting that I'd let the foods back into my life that were harmful (even in small doses) is uncomfortable. I'd worked so hard and I felt like I'd failed myself and anyone who has been inspired by my dedication to my journey. Though when I stop the negative mind talk, I realize that one of the most important things I've learned on this journey is that being authentic, especially when in the valley, is far better than pretending "everything is fine."



Since I've tried shame, guilt, anger, fear and frustration and because I've beaten myself up and judged what I logically understood and yet, emotionally wasn't able to process through; I'd like to do something else. I want to meet this old me that longs to be healed with the new me. It would seem my newest journey is to fall madly in love with myself and be so curious about what I'll discover next.


So I'll talk to myself, like I would talk to a friend," it's okay to be scared and feel lonely. It's okay to want comfort with all the changes that happened. And you know what, it's understandable that you turned to food, because it was what you've known. Though, I'd really like to do something new. I am curious about discovering ways to feel comforted and loved that aren't reliant upon anything else, especially food."

With Love, Jan Lynn