Re-Thinking Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!

Each year of our 7 year marriage, my husband and I have hosted Thanksgiving. I love it because it is the start to the holiday season, spending time with family and friends, 4 day weekends (at least for me) and a day dedicated to gratitude expression - sign me up! Though there's one thing that makes this day even more special, yep - THE FOOD! And I LOVE planning out this grand meal, each year trying a new recipe or 2 and improving on my turkey basting skills.

The Thanksgiving Brunch

For the last 2 years our tradition has been a Thanksgiving Day Brunch and even with the excitement of my favorite meal approaching, last year wasn't easy when it came to meal planning. I'd been on my transformation with food for about 2 months, I was still adjusting to eating gluten-free, dairy-free (with the exception to goat cheese) and starting to step in to my healing. At that time, I didn't feel prepared to embark on transforming the entire Thanksgiving meal. So I made food I could enjoy, while making food I thought needed to be on the Thanksgiving table, because it's "always been there". Being the hostess, I thought I was accommodating, though really, I wore myself out trying to plan 2 types of meals, especially half of which I couldn't enjoy.

Re-Thinking Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving I made food that supports my lifestyle. Allowing me to enjoy hostessing with ease, grateful that I am feeding my family well too. Making food that works for me and celebrates the creativity in trying new recipe and I share how I made a delicious and supportive meal.

The Turkey (a.k.a. "Turkey T")

Shepherd Song Farm's Turkey
(mine didn't actually turn out this way,
but it was delicious!)

As I began meal planning, I started with the headliner of Thanksgiving: The Turkey! As I was researching an option for a catered meal at work, I found this company: Shepherd Song Farm.

Our turkey came from a farm in Wisconsin that believes in providing a quality of life for the animals. While they primarily raise goats and sheep, during the holiday season they provide turkey's from Amish farms. I knew it was more expensive, yet I understood how important it was for me.
On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving we received "Turkey T" (as our family lovingly referred to him) on our doorstep, fresh (not frozen) and his organic, free-range, chemical, hormone and additive free lifestyle proved to be a tasty turkey experience. I would do this again!

Ode to Cranberry Jelly

I love Cranberry Jelly. Nostalgia brings forward Thanksgiving where the sweet, jiggly jelly sat on a pretty plate at the table. I've tried a few different recipes for Cranberry Relish, but it wasn't the same and I just prefer the smoothness of the jelly. I wanted it this year, though I chose after reading the ingredients from the store-bought canned version that it didn't align with my food choices. And suddenly I found myself buying fresh cranberries to make my own.

I read up on a few blogs. This one from Pick Your Own walked through all of the steps for making your own jelly (cranberry or otherwise). And while I didn't use the recipe, it helped with key steps.

This one from Food52 inspired the "jelly in a can" idea, though here again I converted the recipe.

Using Trader Joe's Pear Cinnamon Cider, pineapple juice, maple syrup, fresh cranberries and fruit pectin, the flavor of this jelly brought forward a new layer of earthiness and spice that I really enjoyed. I also discovered that making jelly, using my new food mill and giving them as gifts is really fun.

Stuffing Un-Done

When it comes to stuffing, again nostalgia brings forward the recipes that include bread crumbs, butter and giblets. Though since I haven't had bread in over 15 months and the alternative breads still have yeast (which I also avoid) I opted for a tasty Curried Wild Rice Stuffed Squash. These were a hit and no one even asked "where's the stuffing?"

I found this recipe from: Arielle Likes To Cook and here's how I modified it. I used acorn squash, rather than Kabocha Squash. Switched the pomegranate seeds for dried cranberries. And used date paste, rather than chopped dates. I also made my wild rice, boiled in organic vegetable broth the night before to make the process faster on Thanksgiving Day.

Pass the Bacon

Ok, I admit it, every so often I enjoy a crispy slice of bacon! Though I realized last year that my body responds negatively to cured bacon (and other cured meats). The sodium, nitrates and nitrites are just too much for my body, so what's a bacon lover to do? Trader Joe's has a tasty uncured bacon and while it has brown sugar and salt, it's an occasional treat that I feel better about eating.

Now how does one go about making bacon even tastier? On Pinterest I saw a bacon and egg bowl, intrigued I tried it out and the results were amazing.

I lined a cupcake pan with 1 strip of bacon per individual cupcake, cut in half. Baked in a 350 oven for 30 minutes, until crispy.

Egg & Bacon
I beat 3 eggs, some rice milk, sea salt and pepper and poured them into the crispy bacon bowls. In a few of the egg bowls, I added goat cheese for added flavor. Baked for 20 minutes.

Pancake & Bacon
I used a pancake mix that is my second choice for my from scratch pancakes, but I needed something a little quicker, so it worked. Once the mixture was complete, I poured the batter into the crispy bacon bowls. Baked for 20 minutes.

Dessert Please! 

I love all things miniature and when it comes to pies, I'm there too! I've tried a few different make-from-scratch gluten-free pie crusts, though haven't yet found one I love (if you have one, please share below). So in a pinch I tried the Glutino's Pie Crust and it was amazing! Of course, some day I hope to create my own, until then, this is perfect! I wanted treats that were gluten-free, dairy-free, refined sugar free and corn free. I found it in these little sweet bites.

Pecan Pie

I've always loved pecan pie! The top slightly crispy and when you reach the middle, it's a moist layer of sweetness and then there's the pie crust! One of pecan pie's main ingredients is corn syrup and since I choose other foods, I was in need of another inspired recipe. Right now I honestly can't remember which food blogger I used to help inspire these delicious treats, though I do have the recipe I used and will share soon! I recall boiling the maple syrup to become thicker and using vegan butter.

Pumpkin Pie
This takes second in my idea of great pies, though what is Thanksgiving without it? Here again, I honestly can't remember which food blogger I used to help inspire these treats, though I do have the recipe I used and will share soon!

I could have poured a little more batter in each, as this picture shows it came away from the side, though they were the perfect bite size treats!








I was thankful that I followed my heart, honored my body and enjoyed creating a delicious Thanksgiving Day Brunch for my family.

What is best for my essential self?

Last Night's, Late Night Blogging

I should be sleeping right now. The moon is peaking through my curtains, the clock is ticking past my bed time and my cat just crawled into bed to settle in for the night. Yet something is calling me to blog. To speak about the quietness, to examine the part of my life that has me pausing and to willingly share what's been going on. Introspection isn't always easy for me, though truth be told, I don't think it is easy for anyone. It requires energy, willingness and courage and an awareness of the self. 

I'd like to talk about my journey with infertility and how I'd like to start calling this my journey with motherhood. I'd also like to talk about the Power of Purpose training course I'm taking at work. When I took the course nearly 3 years ago, I was at a very challenging time in my life. For the first time I was facing my depression, my desire to have children and my relationship with myself. Something happened during the 5 week course and through conversations and activities, I discovered hope, breaths of fresh air and a knowing that I would be journeying forward with this knowledge as a foundation for my growth. 

One of the activities in the course is to talk about our WANTS. The big things we want, what we are doing (or not doing) to get them and the roadblocks we place in our way, mostly out of fear and self-worth that stop us from getting them.

Motherhood was one of my big wants. There were times it was all I could think about. Yet all I seemed to focus on was my envy for other's pregnancy's and the struggles within my own infertility. In a state of depression, I floated further from my real want and essential self and began living like a robot, doing what I could to get through the day. Until I took this course. Somewhere deep inside, I was willing to unearth what was going on and became willing to learn from it. Reflecting back, I see that me and my body were so disconnected, that no baby could have been brought in to this experience, nor did I really want that for them or me. I wanted a baby so that I didn't have to be sad anymore. And in some way, I believed that a baby would save me from having to save myself. 

Fortunately,

(and I say that now, 5 years later,) 

my infertility 
was my doorway 
into my own healing. 

Motherhood remains a want for me. Though I'll be honest, as I was reengaging in the activities in this training course, I realized that I had other wants. And these wants weren't all about motherhood, they were about me living more fully in my life. I began to see how our wants can shift, that what is really important will ask you to fight for it a little bit harder and that we all have a choice.

Maybe someday I'll be a mommy?

Maybe someday our child will be created in my body?

Or maybe, someday, my husband and I will open our home (because our hearts are already there) to a child that doesn't have a mommy and daddy and love them, because we were meant to be together?

And even with the dreams of motherhood, I recognize that the reasons I thought I needed to be a mommy are fears that aren't true (though sometimes they feel like they are). So to reclaim, I'm rephrasing these lies into truths.

I am love. I am healing. I love children.

I am accepted for who I am.

I'm learning to live in the now,

I trust, with faith like never before, that I am exactly where I am meant to me. 

This Morning

On my way in to work, I realized that my late night blogging was my celebration of my essential self. That in my willingness to explore my want for motherhood, my day-to-day choices in how I live are mine to honor. I cannot change what comes my way, though I can feel and learn and acknowledge all of it.This journey is enjoyable (and more fun) if I pay attention and when truth pours from my heart, I begin to self-forgive and course correct that which is no longer needed. I don't know the future, though as I head into life, if there is doubt, I ask,

"What is best for my essential self?" 

Then & Now

Sometimes I forget how far I've come. (And if you've been following my story or knew me before I started this blog, you may be asking "how can that be?") But really, sometimes, in the day to day, I don't put much thought into my journey. It's not because I don't care or because it's been easy. Rather I really care and there are moments where I struggle to make the best choice for myself. It's just that I see myself in the mirror each day and though I've noticed, the changes have been gradual. 

13 months have passed since I began transforming myself, including my physical presence and today I express my gratitude for this journey. 

For the 99 pounds transformed and if a picture is worth a thousand words, here they are.

The Black Dress

The Purple Dress

Now

I Lost My Voice

You may think as a blogger that I have the ability to write and speak into my truth with ease. That self-expression comes naturally and that more often than not, I am willing to share my truth. Though, if I'm really being honest here, sometimes it is a struggle to write what is on my heart and in my mind. That I can come up with a million other things to do. Like cleaning, rearranging my living room or sorting my DVD's alphabetically (yep, did all of those before I could write this blog!) Sometimes in the moments of time and breaths of silence, the best choice of action is to be still. So as I sit writing this in my newly arranged living space, I find that my courage to write has grown, that my willingness is a trust of exploration and that as I share this new layer will unfold before me. 

I Lost My Voice

Voicelessness doesn't suit me, in fact I thoroughly enjoy communicating verbally and when left without words, I feel lost. So when I lost my voice last week, I had to appreciate the doorway into healing. Sure, some may say the voice loss was from a cold or because I've been stressed. Though, I believe it wasn't something anyone could catch, rather it was my physical body representing an emotional block of my holistic self.

The Pattern

 

The situation(s) and person(s) involved need not be mentioned, in fact the details don't really make up how I came to recognize this pattern. Through therapy, healing and this blog, the last few years have allowed me to practice speaking my truth. And yes, I do really mean practice. For years before that (actually as far back as I can remember) I often felt my best choice to confront conflicts in relationships was to listen to what others wanted, set aside what was in my best interest and justify this course of action with, "if the other person is happy, I'll be happy." 

Coping

Though in this pattern, I find that when the pain and hurt become too much, I give in to my silence. I retreated and one of the things I ran to was food. And even though sometimes I still do, food doesn't work the way it used to. It no longer has the ability to cover over what I'd like to ignore. So this weekend, as I was trying to avoid this blog, I leaned into another escape: cleaning and organizing. And though that felt good to get rid of what no longer belongs, it was just another way to try and avoid what really needed to be said.

Retreats are a powerful ally for protection and save me from having to confront a situation I'm uncomfortable in, a coping mechanism I learned early on. But what really happens (and this is a new realization, so please send a little extra love here) in my retreat, there is confusion and this leads to hurt. I don't even provide the opportunity for the other person to be involved in my experience or to understand my perspective, let alone accept or love it. I figure, if I end it first, then I don't have to sit around and wait to be hurt. The self-sabotage bathed me in doubt and this all happened before I could honor my feelings. 

I've functioned (sometimes barely) with this pattern. In fact, by denying the freedom to express, my repression would build up underground, until one day it would all become too much and explode lava of hurt and all the pent up energy would cause destruction. The thing was, I wasn't aware of it. And even though it hurt, I'd keep doing it, because in some way it provided safety. In fact it was so familiar that when it most recently happened, I thought maybe this was how I was meant to live in response to challenging moments in relationships. 

"There's a better way of doing this"

It came as a whisper from my heart, but I didn't listen right away. I wasn't ready to see the destruction, not able to understand what came from my actions and certainly not willing to identify that it wasn't the other person (or persons) that were causing me to feel this way, that it was me. That something inside was needing to be healed and loved and that there could be another way of living and doing this. A shadow in my light and internal knowing allowed this pattern to come forward for me to learn from.

It took time to see that this pattern was indeed something that needed to be healed. In the breaths of silence, I sat still and uncertain. I was so afraid of potential outcomes that may come from me expressing my true feelings that I retreated. Within a few days, I realized my silence was speaking louder my words and it was clear that I reached a point in my journey and I needed to make a choice. (I admit that I am uncomfortable with this, that is sharing a pattern I've held so closely to and known for so long. I admist I'd rather put down the keyboard and walk away. Call it a night, check Facebook or do something, anything than talk about this.)

Even Without Words, There is Hurt

If all things happen for a reason, then this voicelessness is one of them. In the days leading up to it, I kept trying to express myself, though no matter how hard I tried, it didn't feel right. There was a part of me that wanted to provide each detail as to what happened that had me feeling this way. While the other part kept asking for patience and love. And somewhere in the middle I sat.

In the beginning, I made a choice, I chose: SILENCE and so did my body. My unwillingness to express what was as the heart of the matter was actually hurting me and this relationship, more than if I had just been truthful earlier. Frustrated and concerned, I began exploring and praying, hoping to begin somewhere. When I was able to pick up a pen and journal, I realized that my act of silence hurts too. That in fact my wordlessness was creating a situation more complex than before.

 

What I needed was time and patience. Yes, I needed to speak my truth. Yes, I needed to trust that the foundation of mutual respect and love could continue to be built upon. And yes, I needed to learn how to share my feelings, especially in this uncomfortable situation. And that by making the choice to express myself, rather than pushing down the hurt, I realized that no volcano of destruction would errupt.

It became clear to me that what I wanted, more than ever before, was to lead with love in self-expression and to involve the person(s) in this exchange. My silence was the representation of me being careful and intentional. I wanted to protect what had been built. And I wanted to honor my pattern, while allowing myself to release the holds and safety of this out-of-date pattern. And that the only way I would know what outcome would come forward was for me to give it a try. To speak my truth and trust it would be surrounded with love. That only by honoring my pattern would I be able to learn from this experience. And in my act of honesty, I found my voice of self-expression and vulnerability. I found that even with the discomfort, being truthful felt better than being silent.