Polka Dot Tights

I didn't realize it when I bought these tights, that they were more than just fabric that would cover my legs, they became a doorway into a few lessons of honoring my journey. 

Lesson 1: Shop with friends! They see beyond limitations.

I haven't always enjoyed shopping with others. I felt embarressed or undeserving, so I'd fly solo for most trips. After meeting a dear friend for dinner at the mall, I wanted to grab a pair of tights. This friend came with me and encouraged me to buy my first pair "fancy tights." As I stood debating on what to choose, in one hand I the more Plain Jane pair and in the other the Polka Dot pair. One brought me safety, while the other made me smile. There is nothing safe about a pair of polka dots tights and for me, it was outside of my comfort zone. Thankfully the friend encouraged me to by the Polka Dot pair and I didn't realize it then, how thankful I am that she was there to see beyond the boundaries I had with clothing.

Lesson 2: Love the curves! If it doesn't come from within, it cannot be found.

Somewhere (and I don't know when) I thought a "plus-size" gal like me cannot wear fancy tights (or a lot of other things for that matter). I didn't want to draw attention to myself, let alone my legs. Though throughout my life, I enjoyed shopping and liked having clothes that I felt pretty in, while trying to dress for my figure. I'll admit that wasn't always fun or easy, especially in the last few years before my body transformation. And even while I believe in loving my curves, I reached a point where I could no longer see the curves, let alone love them. 

Transforming 90+ pounds from a body peels away layers and allows the curves to be revealed. I discovered, (along with a lot of other things,) that I have a body shape I enjoy and am proud of. Clothes that used to fit (even sometimes snugly) now fall to the floor. And in my transformation, my clothing has also transformed. Though there was something more important that was transformed, I began opening to the idea that if I could love myself, where I am at, the weight or pant size really doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel about myself. If I felt confident about my outfit, I felt loved. If I wasn't, I felt that too!

Lesson 3: Permission to be Beautiful! I can list a handful of things I'd like to change about my body, but what about what I love?

I'm not sure anyone ever told me not to wear something. Well, maybe when I was younger and kids would tease me? Because I know something happened that causes me to stop myself from really feeling beautiful. And I know this place is deeper than I am ready to explore right now and when I am, I'll be ready. Others have been providing me with compliments and sometimes I am able to accept them fully and sometimes, I have a hard time with it. I keep wondering why I can't see what they see. There is a part of me that believed(s) that maybe I don't deserve to be beautiful. That somewhere I stopped giving myself permission to be beautiful and to be me.

Lesson 4: Make a choice. And trust that each choice will lead you where you need to be.

I'm glad I made the choice to wear the Polka Dot Tights! The permission to be happy, to feel beautiful and to wear what I love, is more important than me trying to guess at what others may think of me. Maybe it took me a few years to begin loving what I wear? And maybe I'm just opening to how I can make the choice to really feel beautiful? And maybe, this journey is just beginning? I made a choice and as I continue on the road of self-acceptance and love, I'll travel with fears, honor them and begin to heal another layer. 

A Change in Perspective

Last Saturday I celebrated my 31st year of life

My 30th year of life was beautiful, challenging and amazing. I did things I only ever dreamed about and as I've become more intentional with my life purpose and healing, I find a willingness to listen and trust my intuition, all of which has allowed me to venture further into my journey of self-discovery. 

I began taking care of myself, ate foods that worked for me, chose to avoid foods that didn't and took supplements that provided me with additional nutrition. I found support with a holistic healthcare professional, Dr. Margaret and each of these pieces, allowed me to blog, explore my healing and transform 99 pounds of my body weight by my 1 year anniversary.

I've taken steps towards my healing and began building a foundation for growth. I've begun honoring my patterns, acknowledging memories and emotions that were set aside until I was ready to uncover, embrace and learn from them and began taking ownership of my process. I acknowledged the part of me that wanted to shine my light and in this realized that I do not need to fit into someone else's idea of who or what I need to be.

I began my journey somewhere. Was it 3 years ago in the Power of Purpose training course at work? Was it a year and a half ago when I began this blog? Was it a year ago when I began seeing Dr. Margaret? Or was it in a conversation with a dear friend this week? While I'm not certain of the exact moment, they all rocked me in to a space of acceptance. Allowing me to travel further into the sea of my own identify and away from the land of what I think I need to be for others to accept me.

At first, the little waves seemed devastating. Then I'd find strength from somewhere deep inside, courage to trust my path and I’d continue forward, moving away from the person I thought I had to be, closer towards the person I truly am. It was slow and steady, there were rays of sunshine and storms of dark. There were pieces I’d brought with me that needed to be lovingly let go and things that laid before me I need to face. It is my adventure, my self-discovery and only I could do the journey. I am the one who has to face the waves, who gets to bask in the rays and who truly knows what it feels like in the waves of infertility, family relationships and with my eating habits. It is up to me to do the work, learn the lessons and if I halt along the way, it is my opportunity to acknowledge it and love myself even more. 

As I move into my 31st year of living and loving and learning, I find trust and willingness are on my mind and in my heart. My spirit and physical self are eager to align and as I continue to trust my intuition, finding that the more often I make choices from this place, I shine a little brighter and feel a lot better. I'm on a healing path, I'm healing in the breaths I take, in the clicks of my computer keyboard and in this I am finding safety. I've began writing in to this healing space. And on my birthday made the connection that today is a rebirth of my journey. That all the work I've done, all the pieces I've integrated and all the parts I've begun healing, travel forward with me.

A New Healing Layer

There is something missing in the words I wrote earlier this week. A piece of my journey that was hidden, even from all of me, until I was ready to see its truth and was willing to be vulnerable into the space. And if I were not to write or blog in to this, I would be ignoring the beautiful lessons that came forward and the embrace of a new layer of healing. 

I've felt my journey leading me into approaching a new layer of healing, preparing me to go into a deeper level. I began noticing it in July and trusted that when I was ready I'd start receiving more signs. Introspection and a sense of cocooning became consuming and I knew at some point what was will need to fall away, in order for what will be to become what is. I'd need to recommit to my healing journey, deeper and with more trust than ever before. To reconnect with my intentions and that I'd begin to see why I’m taking the time and putting forth the energy to heal. I'd need to let go of certainty and trying to predict outcomes. And that my heroine (also known as the ego) would need to take a supporting role, rather than the lead. 

I couldn't articulate that when I first noticed it, it has taken months of writing, conversations, halts and prayer to acknowledge that I am working at a much deeper level than I'd ever been and all parts of me need time to embrace or fight to survive in this new layer. It’s an odd place to be - the limbo between all that has been - which seems long since forgotten and all that will be - which seems just out of arms reach. And somewhere in the middle, I sat, contemplating, trying to figure out what I really wanted. What was going on and why I was having such a hard time with this phase of my healing. 

I kept asking for signs from the universe about the next steps, hoping I’d be able to predict what was next, so that I could find safety. Once I began asking, I received many signs. The thing is I didn't think they were big enough and the part of me that was trying to resist this new layer, had me doubting that they were even real. So I'd disregarded them and then go, "hey, wait a second, where's my sign?!?"

Cocooned into the wants I have for my life and purpose, while old patterns and old self-identifies were fighting for survival. I struggled with the willingness to travel into the darkness to see the truth. I was trying to honor the new layer, while let go of the old patterns. And somewhere in the middle, I felt stuck.

 

The 2 Weeks

 

Somewhere between my 1 year anniversary and my birthday the idea of, "no one would know if I ate this or felt this way about that," crawled forward and rather than follow my intuition, I gave in. I didn't confess this to Dr. Margaret or even let my best cleanse friend know - both of whom I'd previously trusted with so much, especially around food. I see now that I couldn't have been honest with them, because I wasn't able to be honest with myself. My closet eating habits pulled me in and I found comfort at first and then shame. Food and eating wasn't giving me the same feelings I used to get, I was feeling bloated, though mostly, any emotion I had tried to stuff down didn't get stuffed down and I added guilt on top of that. Who was I really hurting in this? It wasn’t Dr. Margaret, or you, my family, friends and supporters. No, it was me and me alone.

So while all of this was going on, I kept asking for more signs, trying to sort through and write into that which was affecting me and my actions. And as time progressed, the signs grew larger in size.

When my husband and I travel, we like to experience new places and enjoy new food. Though, since I began my dietary changes, it has become less enjoyable and I feel much better if I know everything that is in the meal. For my birthday, we headed to Bayfield, WI and on the way, stopped in Duluth at Blackwoods (a restaurant that offers gluten-free food). As we were seated and browsed the menu, some options sounded great. Then I got a sign, this time louder than a whisper, my intuition, heart and body said, “Let’s have a supplemental shake tonight.” At first I struggled to accept it, I was here at a restaurant that could make something work for me. This time though I listened and I honored what I really wanted. I had a choice and made it. It wasn’t a “have to” or “should-be”, it was a “want to” and “need to”. It was the start to embracing the new healing layer.  

Wednesday

I weighted myself for the first time in 2 weeks. I’d been avoiding it, knowing that I had been eating too much. So when I got on the scale, the weight increase of 4 pounds reverberated to my soul. For the last year, I’d successfully maintained my weight or transformed at least 1.9 - 2.6 pounds a week. The increase was a physical manifestation that I'd been running from something and that this pattern wasn't working for me, it was working against me and my healthy lifestyle goals.

And just in case that sign wasn't enough, I received a flashing, neon lights, larger than life sign that simply couldn't be ignored. As I attended an offsite professional development meeting with my coworkers, I ordered a meal that was to be gluten-free and dairy-free. I set the little special meal card at my place setting and when the server brought over my food, I felt confident to enjoy the meal. The presentation was great, as well as the networking. As my coworkers and I were leaving, a mere 45 minutes since eating, I noticed that lights were too bright and the right side of my forehead began throbbing.

We made it back downtown and I noticed the pain was increasing. I started talking and noticed that my speech was slightly slurred, my eyesight was starting to blur and the sound of my heals on the granite floor was pounding in my ears. I was having a full on migraine attack - my form of an allergic reaction to gluten. I made it into the comfort of a dark room and thoughts began running through my head. It has been at least 8 months since I've had a migraine (compared to my usual 1-2 a week) and part of me forgot how painful they are. While the other part of me tried to power through it. I began a list in my head of all the things I needed to do, but they were just excuses. Then I felt it, “none of those things matter, you need to take care of yourself.” As tears streamed down my cheeks, I acknowledged this truth.

Somehow I made it back to my desk, rescheduled my meetings, let my boss know I needed to go home and headed home. I knew taking the train to my car was going to be too much, so I took a taxi. I arrived home safely and got sick, everything was expelled from my body. And as I stood in the shower, I felt the pain begin to slowly fade. I crawled in to bed, covered my head and wept. It was all I could do. My body was sending me a sign. And if there had been any shadow of a doubt of how important my dietary choices are, they were gone. I recommitted, stopped wavering and stopped worrying about me eating like a "normal person." I've seen how my body operates when I feel normal. Having a migraine, being sick and curling up is no longer my body's normal. Migraines are signs I’ve eaten gluten or nitrates. Stomach and digestive issues are signs I've eaten dairy. My sensitivities are real and in fact are my body's normal.

A Change In Perspective Came...

For a while (longer than I care to admit) I allowed my choices to be in the hands of others or outside of my ownership. After those sign, I trust that my ability to listen to myself and make the best choice for me is wisdom that I will and do learn from. I need to take care of myself and no one knows what is best for me, besides myself, my higher power, God and my angels. And when I ask for and receive signs, I'm going to do a better job of paying attention. And as I continue to explore and heal, I trust that each piece is meant to bring me closer to a piece of myself that deserves love.

I don’t know where this will lead me. Especially with baking. I enjoy baking gluten-free, dairy-free and refined sugar-free, though I also enjoy baking with traditional ingredients. I just don't eat the traditional ingredient items and for now, when I bake, I do not experience any reactions to the traditional ingredients.

There is no way that I could keep doing this if I wasn’t committed to my healing, but there is a part of me, (maybe my heroine (ego)?) that really doubted why I needed to. The part that brought me into my closet eating habits and pushed the boundaries of my healthy lifestyle choices. And that’s ok, I needed to go through it and I’m sure there will be more opportunities for me to recommit, to really claim and take care of myself. Because through all of this, through the pounds I’ve put on and the pounds I’ve transformed and the healing I've found, I was born to do this. To explore, to heal, to share, to blog and that my experience isn’t just about my relationship with food, it’s about my relationship with myself.

With loving intentions, Jan

"Some people are working on liking themselves well enough to allow healing. 

It can take time for them to achieve sufficient self-love." 

- Echo Bodine

Moments of Time

A month since my last blog post

On August 18th, I posted: Let Me Tell You About This Gal. An honest conversation about the woman I saw myself as a year ago and the woman I see myself as today. In the most logical sense I am the same, however, there are areas that have transformed. Physically, the changes can be seen. Those connected with my journey know the emotional, spiritual and mental transformations are felt. It has been amazing and saying so only dances on the surface on the depth of this journey.

Making choices to live healthily are coming easier for me. Though there are times when I face walls and in those moments, I find myself in non-movement. I may choose to eat "too much" of something (even if it is on my O.M.I. List) and my tummy aches. I then find myself left with eater's remorse and any feelings I was trying to avoid end up resurfacing. And while there are less of those "too much" moments now, they do exist and are a reminder to be mindful and ask myself what is really going on. And because I want permission/approval (there, I admit it), my current moments of "too much" would have been considered a "good day" a year ago.

Sometimes my mind wonders into the idea of donuts; of fast food and Mountain Dew; of all the things that I thought would be devastating to give up and I wonder what it would be like to eat or drink those things. Then I remember the signs my body sends me; the migraines, stomach aches and lack of energy and the desire wears off. Physically I don't need the foods that hurt my body, yet I need(ed) them for some reason and I've been exploring the reasons why.

3 Months

The last 3 months have brought forward opportunities for contemplation and healing. My father-in-law was diagnosed with a rare form of kidney cancer. In July he had surgery to remove one of his kidneys and has since begun chemotherapy. My husband and I have spent time helping out around my in-laws house and cherishing conversations. In the same week of my father-in-law's surgery, my mother and I had a conversation. In this conversation I needed to be honest about where I was with my healing journey. In this honesty I found myself not wanting to hurt the progress we've made, yet I knew by me being truthful, feelings would surface. We both did our best to be in this honesty and as we navigated more came forward and a shift occurred, which resulted in a pause on our relationship. We are both trying and sometimes space and time are the only ways to allow for healing. I've also been exploring my feelings towards pregnancy and my own infertility. There have been many announcements of expecting families and I was both happy for them and wishing for my own  announcement of family creation. 

And in the final month before I celebrated my one-year anniversary with my O.M.I. Life, I found myself in a world of should be's and self-sabotage. "You should be into your "one-derland" by your one year anniversary." "You should go on a quick diet to lose the 7 pounds to get there." "You should be..." While I wanted to reach 100 pounds in 1 year, I knew my intentions to get there were not coming from the right place. There was suddenly this pressure to be something different and to reach that goal outside of my healthy choices. It shifted from honoring my body, to doing the quick and easy. And so I found myself paused.

I began exploring the space that pauses can bring and the willingness to travel into exploring beyond the details. Yes, I am scared of losing my father-in-law. I am trying to support my husband with this life journey, while realizing that I cannot fix or take any of the hurt away. That the pause with my mother and my feelings towards my infertility brought forward doubts of my self-worth. And that my reaction to all of those, was to eat. Yet behind the details, there was something more, I was afraid and sad and scared and overwhelmed, all while having moments of pure joy and bliss and love. And my willingness to feel (or not feel) was linked to how I honored my body. When Dr. Margaret and I connected on this I acknowledged that my weight was my protection. That it wasn't just the food that helped me to momentarily feel better, but my physical mass helped shield me from what I may not be able to handle. I felt into that as far as I could and trust there is more for me to explore.

One-Year Anniversary, 99 Pounds Transformed and Healing

Life has been busy and soon I will share more, however, for now, I'd like to honor that the last few months and the last year have opened doorways of healing. That in my body transformation, I've discovered wells of new life and parts of myself that only want to be accepted for what they are. And I'm learning how to be with all of this. To be in all the moments and though I tend to gravitate towards the more joyous and celebratory times, I'm learning how to be in the moments of sadness and fear. Because neither is right or wrong or good or bad - they are moments and I have feelings in all of them. 

I reflect on where I was last year, not just the physical part (though being 99 pounds lighter has certainly made a difference), but also how I approached my healing. I was scared to even begin, afraid what it would mean to take action. But I knew that this was my time to start taking care of myself, to begin healing and to travel into the darkness to see the light. And as I sat in the park last Sunday, on the first day of fall, I was still and wrote a letter to honor all of this. In a year from now I will open that letter, read it in the same park and reflect on what this year has brought me. 

Celebrating Happiness & Birthday Party

On September 22, 2013 I celebrated my 31st birthday (a few weeks early) and my 1 year anniversary with my dietary choices. 

It had been years since I hosted a party and honestly the last one I did I expected so many people, yet only 3 people came and I was a little nervous this could happen again. Through my past year of healing, I acknowledged this fear, while honoring my love for hostessing. Growing up, I was always throwing parties, whether they were birthdays, New Years, End of the School Year, my house was the spot and I loved doing it.

The Venue

I love the outdoors and the Thompson Park Pavilion in West St. Paul has a beautiful rental facility, park and pond. This was the perfect setting for this celebration.

The Decorations and Activities

While this party was in honor of me, I believe a good hostess creates memorable experiences. As I approached the activities, I wanted to support this in many ways.

Welcome Table Guest Sign In

I used the colors purple and orange. Purple represents the intuitive color in the aura, and reveals psychic power of attunement with self and supports transformation. Orange represents the beautiful fall colors, vibrant health and supports creativity. 

Make a Wish for the Birthday Girl.
I had pieces of paper with a "J" cut out for my name.
Guests used pens to write a wish and placed the wishes in the white container.
The white container is something I've had on display in my house for years, though it always sat empty.
Now it is filled with beautiful wishes for me.

 Take a Wish for Me to You
I had beautiful pieces of paper with inspirational affirmations hand written on them.
Each slip of paper had a different message.
I encouraged guests to take a deep breath, set their intention and select a slip of paper.
Trusting that this message inside was just for them.

Connecting Cards
I love to write and recognize how beautifully healing it can be.
Last year I did this activity and shared it here: Letter To Myself 
On this day, I encouraged guests to write a letter to themselves a year from now.
When finished they sealed the envelopes and placed it in the pink metal mailbox.
I still have the letters in there and when September 22, 2014 arrives, 
my guests will find their letters in their mailboxes. 

The Traveling Signs Table & Shutterfly Book
This honors my passion for inspirational signs.
As well as honoring my 1 year anniversary with my food transformation.
This book can be found in my earlier post:  Jan's Shutterfly Book 

Brunch
Purple and orange!

Brunch
We served pancakes, sausage, eggs and hash browns,
 all of the items we served were gluten-free and dairy-free options.
The rest of the food was brought in by guests as a potluck brunch.

Caramel Apple Bar
This was one of those treats that while I couldn't eat it, 
I enjoyed setting it up and seeing how others enjoyed their time with it.

Caramel Apple Bar
These are dessert glasses that have been in my family for generations. 
They made the perfect mini serving dishes for all of the caramel apple toppings.
Including a variety of crushed candies, cookies, nuts and sprinkles.

I had such a great day, seeing so many wonderful friends,
celebrating my 1 year anniversary and my 31st birthday!

Let Me Tell You About This Gal

11 months ago (or 334 days to be precise) I set out on a journey of discovery. I began trusting heart whispers of "Give It A Try" and now awe and gratitude have become beautiful companions. And today, as I head into the final month before I reach a year with my dietary choices, I want to honor what was, what is and what will be. 

Let me tell you about this gal, the woman that I was and will always be. The gal on the left side of the screen is still me and I am still her. We share the same history. Live in the same home, love the same spouse and have the same cuddly cats. Movies from the 80's make us laugh and quoting each line from Dirty Dancing is easy. Baking is a joy and the desire to make a difference in the world brightens are soul. And sometimes we both wilt into this place where we feel unworthy and unloved. 

But this gal and I don't always see eye to eye. And honestly we haven't been on speaking terms for a while. Maybe (well, mostly) because the Jan of Now wasn't ready to have a conversation of truth with the Jan of Then? Because I know going back there, to the place where she lives, might just be a little painful. And maybe I haven't been ready to go there? But today it occurred to me to try. Here and now, I'll approach the place where the Jan of Then was left behind, knowing that I will go in or down or as deep as I can. 

The Beginning of a Conversation

The woman I see standing in the mirror today or writing this blog sees the difference between who I am now and who I was then. The Jan of Now kept thinking "I'm not that gal anymore. I've grown! I've changed! I'm better!" And yes, there are things I am proud of and I'll tell you about those too, but it seems if I said them here they would only distract me from what I really need to say. And today, on the 11th month of transformation, I realized that I left her (The Jan of Then, the gal on the left hand side of the screen) in the past and said, "I don't need you anymore."

Discarded like yesterday's paper, tossed out as if to lessen the value of her existence. There seemed to be too much pain, too much anger, too much sadness there in that place. And I found it incredibly painful to look into her eyes, knowing that underneath the smile, something deeper was really going on.

The Jan of Then

A million people could have told her they loved her (many tried) and that they were proud of her (again, many did), but it didn't fill the space inside where she felt unlovable, unwanted and undeserving. She doubted why anyone could love her, because she didn't love herself. She couldn't see beyond her issues or see what others saw in her.

She cringed at pictures of herself. Her physical mass scared her and after the scale registered over 300 pounds, she stopped weighing herself. Her size 28 pants and 3x tops fit snugly. She  often thought about how the last few years leading up to her 30th birthday were challenging. How her life had changed the day she made the choice to create a boundary with her mother. Only now, after a year of healing, to realize it wasn't a boundary after all, it was a wall.

Her desire to have children often weighed heavy on her heart. It seemed so easy for others to conceive, why couldn't she? Doubt and fear lead her into a place where she couldn't talk about it and this place was called: depression. That feeling of "too much" often reached in, grabbed her by the arm and threw her overboard to swim in a sea of silence. And there were times, in the deepest of darkest waters, where an answer of how to end the pain would present itself. 

She tried to numb away the pain, not with alcohol or drugs, but with food and shopping. Permission was always granted: had a bad day, grab fast food. Bored: go find a great deal.

And the physical reactions to foods she ate, somehow received permission to exist. The stomach aches and frequent restroom breaks were tolerated. Even the migraines that were a weekly occurrence and would sometimes require 3 prescription pills to eliminate (along with lots of dark and quiet space), were excused. But really, she let them exist because they felt like a just punishment.

Somewhere courage broke the silence of unexpressed pain and trying to "do the right thing" took its toll and her envy of others' lives gnarled at her belly. And a glimmer came in. She saw the willing heart and followed where it lead. Repeatedly, she kept seeing moments where she saw how her life could be.

When the darker days began to lift, she knew where to ask for support and assistance and love. And so began the journey with Dr. Margaret, her supportive chiropractor, nutritionist, healer and counselor. She knew (even if it was buried beneath a lot of STUFF) that she was worthy of being loved and actually loved herself enough to do this. That she was ready to embark on the life transformation of the heart. And what once got buried beneath Food | Blame | Patterns began coming forward. And as she stood before the world (and herself), the layers of unspoken scars began to heal. 

The Jan of Now

Even as I wrote the above, I separated myself. Maybe that was the only way I could venture into the woods? Into the space where more wisdom, more lessons and more truth live. There is more hiding behind the words and details and for now, this is as far as I can go. But I know that my decision to leave her behind, for whatever the reason Fear  |  Doubt  |  Sadness didn't actually stop the pain in my life. It only meant one day, when I was ready, I'd have to go back there, to the place she was abandoned and say, "Let's journey together."

A Reflection on Healing

The last 11 months have been an amazing journey, awakening me to parts of myself that have longed to be loved, accepted and integrated into my life. And the more I do this, the more I glow.

I wanted to feel better and do. Migraines only occur if I have gluten, dairy or corn and overall my health has improved greatly. I have more energy and have transformed 94 pounds. 

I wanted to discover patterns that I use to need for protection, but now only cause hurt. Throwing up a wall between myself and someone often happened if it got "too real". I also wanted to be more compassionate with the part of myself that does this and to feel into the things I tried to stuff down or run away from.  

I've been able to have wonderful connections with so many wonderful people. (Seriously, thank you for all of the love you send my way! Know that I love and appreciate you too!) And what's great about these connections is that it isn't just about the weight transformation (though it usually starts there). Often, we are both able to go to this real space inside of ourselves. A place where we are connected with our hopes and dreams and our fears and doubts. A place where we can be the real us, wall free.

In sharing this story, I see where I could have gone, words I could have written and stories I could have shared, but I'm not ready. My heart whispered for me to "Give It A Try" and I did. And in this space I trusted that I'd be supported, that the words to express what I wanted to share would come and that love would surround all of it.